Owen's Practice Journal, Part II

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Hi Jake,

With the arising of sensation, there is cognizing and evaulating of them. They are percieved as either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. But taking the approach I have recently, (seeing only nama and rupa and noting all arising and passing away as such) the evaluations are nothing but nama. The physical sensations are nothing but rupa.

Nothing has to stop from arising to be free from stress, in my opinion, including the so called "self-contraction" and even the "phenomena" of the three poisons which are nothing but partcular sensations and mental phenomena arising and passing and being misread. Previously I would see it as soemthing that needed to stop and drop away. But what really needs to be done, in my opinion, is to see what was previously percieved as some sort of movement or twisting within the brain to create some sort of warping in perception and thus create an illusory sense of "I AM", as nothing but what it is....nama and rupa. That goes for the three poisons too.

There is no actual self-contraction. That seems to be a sublter illusion to see through, in my opinion. It seems to be a process of analysing and seeing in real time what is percieved...is it a self?....is it a self contracting?.....is it some mechanism in the brain that creates the illusion?....who cares! It's all illusion. There is no self to contract. Stop fixating on it as a problem. You are misreading it!! ......it's just an interaction of mind and matter, nama and rupa. (This is how I would analysie and see it in real time) This is the same for craving aversion and indifference. What are they? What are they made up of? They are nothing but compounded impermanent phenomena. And as I practice in this way, the mind is seemingly ceasing to misread it all as something that it really is not. It's just nama and rupa. No being, no self, no self contraction, no craving, no aversion, no stress. Just phenomena.

Yes, I'm just calling pleasant, unpleasant and neutral as the tones of sensations. The aversion, craving and indifference come after the evaluation in the mind moments sequence as it currently seems to me. Those, too, are nothing but combinations of nama and rupa. Seeing any occurrence of the three poisons like this, seems to break them up and they cease to be "craving", "aversion" and "indifference" as they seem to untangle in the process of being noted as just nama and rupa and cease being compounded suffering. The sum parts are seen as just that: "parts" and they cease to be read as "one thing". They are not. Craving, aversion and indifference are nothing but the interaction of nama and rupa...and if not seen as such, the nama part of reaction (4th skhanda- sankhara) continues. If the sum parts are seen in real time, craving, aversion and indifference cease to be. That seems to be how to end suffering. Suffering is born of craving aversion and indifference. If those phenomena are seen as nothing but compounded , and they are pulled apart by the analytical and wise mind, they cease being a compounded thing, and thus cease being, period.

I would characterize aversion, craving and indifference as the volitional reaction towards the evaluation of phenomena as either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. That volitional reaction seems to be triggered after the sensations are given given their evaluation. That is when stress results. The evaluation of feelings alone doesn't seem to bring stress. I seem to be able to note the evaluation as just nama, and as this is done, the sensations can at times seem unevaluated....if that makes sense. They are just experienced as bare raw sensation without a tone. But this seems to flip back and forth in the sequence of feeling and evalutaing.....the noting seems to influence this. So yeh, I think the 2nd skhanda by itself is not the cause of stress. When the suposed "self-contraction" is seen as nothing but a combination and interplay of nama and rupa, even though the sum parts are seen as either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral feeling, there is no self-contraction being misread as such...it has now "dropped away"...or to be more precise ...it is being read correctly as nama and rupa and nothing else.

I think the 4th skhanda of sankhara (mental volitions/impulses/compulsions) is the cause of stress. Ultimately, with whatever skhanda a yogi is dealing with in the very moment, it can be classified as either nama and rupa. That includes any perceived "self-contraction" or aversion or craving or indifference. This seems to re-train the mind/body organism to stop misreading things thus giving rise to volition intentions and impulses which cause the stress of aversion, craving and indifference to arise.

Am I making sense? I was basically explaining what I think to myself.

Disclaimer: My views are subject to change at the drop of a hat.

"I have noticed over the course of practice different "kinds" of equanimity, one being clearly related to a sort of balance of the 2nd skandha in which (seemingly) neutral feelings predominate, another being deeper in that it can (seemingly) be fully manifest even simultaneously with strong attachment and aversion, although in this case the latter are seen as adventitious attentional distortions rather than a "solid self". In fact, it seems almost as if "solid self" is only an assumption which is *enacted* as attraction, aversion and indifference but that the 2nd skandha can function in a very different way when not in reference to such a fiction. Any feedback?
-jake "

Yeh, my experience is as you describe. The real equanimity is the latter. It doesn't matter what arises, and the phenomena that would usually be compounded and read as craving, aversion or indifference are able to be seen as just compounded phenomena of their the sum parts. Not something that an illusory "self" need identify with. This is where stress ends in my opinion. See what stress is (compounded misread phenomena), see it's arising as compounded misread phenomena. Take it apart by seeing the separate parts that are misread and compounded together and see that by doing this they cease to be and thus there is no more stress. Noble truths right there.

The former is not really equanimity, in my opinion, but may be more like what is felt in absorption where the hinderances have been subdued temporarily. There is a temporary reprieve where it feels like the mind is equanimous. But if a something unpleasant arises, it could easily rock the boat.

Nick thanks for your considered reply, I always appreciate the way you articulate your experience. Yes, this issue of real equanimity seems key to the whole thing to me in some way, and I have had too many moments of non-suffering while suffering when it (authentic EQ) was activated to easily swallow notions of freedom that involve removing something from experience.

On the other hand, it does seem that when noticing the sheer arising and passing of sensations and descriptions/representations, and seeing clearly that all experiences are compounded of these, and that ultimately looking at sensations and descriptions they resolve as the "same" kind of thing (just phenomena arising and passing) does seem to change the way that process (suffering) occurs in that the conditions required for its arising can "dry up" in the light of such inquiry.

My working hypotheses now, not yet 4th path (and making no claim of attainment), is that continued saturation of the process of experiencing with mindfulness and authentic equanimity will sort of exhaust the habit of mis-reading namarupa as self and therefore unbind that kind of suffering. I can find no good reason to suffer like that (attachment, aversion, indifference), although I can see a causal process which generates it-- but evidently with not high enough resolution yet to evaporate that distortion permanently. Thanks again for your feedback!
--Jake

Something has shifted over the last few days. I went through what was in retrospect a dark night, though it was different in flavor. Something is gone, some kind of selfing. It is starkly obvious now that dealing with the emotions (or rather, proto-emotions) as simply physical phenomena is the right and sane way of going about things.
My concentration is also way up lately, though that might be a side-effect of constant grounding. I'm also noticing sleep issues as fairly large energy waves/movements go though the body.

Hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, seeing and thinking. That's it. Everything I was previously dealing with as real are simply conglomerates of these. As I move my attention from the illusory conglomerates to these sense bases, the process of selfing at an emotional level is ending. I highly recommend it.

Nama/ Rupa!

If I have kids, they will be called Nama and Rupa.

Better than Rahula. That was kind of a douche move on the Buddha's part.

It's true though when you think about it. Emotions are just compounded phenomena. A combination of sensations , mind states, thought and maybe some images in there. The sensations arise to influence the thoughts and mind, the thoughts arises to influence the sensations felt. Mind and body, body and mind. Craving is but nama and rupa and its interplay. But it is read as being part of some illusory sense of being, of self. And thus the compounded phenomena blobs together to support the incessant "need" to be soemthing, to exists as "I AM". Break it down into the aggregates and it ceases being a compounded thing. Break up craving, break up aversion, break up any emotions and it all ceases to be an craving, aversion and "emotion". Same for the supposed "self-contraction"...just nama and rupa. All part of the weird-arse illusion we all got our "selves" in. Nama and Rupa...nothing else.

Disclaimer: My opinion is subject to change at the drop of the hat. No absolutes

P.S. Yeh, That was pretty screwed up. What's your name? Um....well....Impediment (Or fetter), My dad is the Buddha ;(

Is that the 6th out of Kenneth's 7 stage model?

6th stage is a change in the emotional life
7th stage is a change in the relationship to self

Yeah, my current goal is the 6th stage in the 7 stage model. Full disclosure, getting this attainment is a bastard.

A BASTARD!!!!

I would question that statement, owen. Mindsets can rule the day. The difficutlies are canbe bolied down to nama rupa. Nothing needs to be a "bastard" in my current (subject to change) opinion.

True, but its a bastard to get to that phase, and its a double bastard falling in and out of it... : ) an empty bastard mind you, but a bastard none the less

Hmmmm I like you guys
You're fun

So the reason I call this particular attainment a bastard is that that it is really, really fraking hard. And it's hard because it is targeting a structure that developed *before* cognitive awareness - transcending the self from a mental level doesn't really help here. At this level it is about feeling, and I don't have anywhere left to hide. In fact, most of the cognitive structures that just got seen through at the last stage were designed so that I wouldn't have to look at any of this material, layers on layers of defense mechanisms.

This practice is bypassing all of that. It's a curious reverse of a spiritual bypass. It's going straight to the body where the feelings are manifesting in real time vs. dealing with the ideas about feelings. Sorting out the difference between the two is easy to point at but harder to do in actual practice.

It's also one of the most rewarding practices I've ever done, so don't get the impression that I knocking it. In direct mode I can't find a single problem, there is only a comfortable, uncomfortable or neutral body and thoughts. It's when they get mixed up and I begin to deal with things that are not real that the suffering arises.

"So the reason I call this particular attainment a bastard is that that it is really, really fraking hard. And it's hard because it is targeting a structure that developed *before* cognitive awareness - transcending the self from a mental level doesn't really help here. At this level it is about feeling, and I don't have anywhere left to hide. In fact, most of the cognitive structures that just got seen through at the last stage were designed so that I wouldn't have to look at any of this material, layers on layers of defense mechanisms.

This practice is bypassing all of that. It's a curious reverse of a spiritual bypass. It's going straight to the body where the feelings are manifesting in real time vs. dealing with the ideas about feelings. Sorting out the difference between the two is easy to point at but harder to do in actual practice.

It's also one of the most rewarding practices I've ever done, so don't get the impression that I knocking it. In direct mode I can't find a single problem, there is only a comfortable, uncomfortable or neutral body and thoughts. It's when they get mixed up and I begin to deal with things that are not real that the suffering arises.

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Well, thank god for my years of Goenka sensations only practice. WoooooT! Hehe!

I discovered this today. It's a good way back into direct mode.

Tilopa's Six Words of Advice:
Don't recall
Don't imagine
Don't think
Don't examine
Don't control
Rest

This about sums up my recent practice experience:

WONDERFUL!

Lately I've been in an interesting space with my practice. I've been grounding like mad for a while now and downshifting to noting when that fails. It seems as though a shift has occurred. The last couple of weeks (perhaps month) have been very challenging for me, but lately has gotten easier. I noticed when I looked back at the last week or so, It's only been my body that's experiencing the emotional content.

Sometimes it's painful, don't get me wrong, but it's only the body that's getting it. I'm fine, it's my physical form that's getting its butt kicked. A ton of energetic movement has been happening.

I've also noticed a very distinct sense that there is no more "inside" inside. It's as if my awareness can't spin back on itself and see anything other than sensations. The idea of a separate inner life is getting rapidly debunked, and this process has some side effects. Trying to do other than allow my actions to be spontaneous and unpremeditated is very confusing.

I went through a period that I would have before called fear, but these days just shows up as a body sensation that gets watched with interest. Spending a lot of time noting questions like "Where did the inside go?" and "How will I function like this?" Also a lot of disorientation that I'm hoping passes soon. The overall sense is that the mirage "self-contraction" that got seen through at 4th is now no longer getting seen as a mirage, but rather getting broken down into the component parts (senses and thoughts) in real time. I can still see how it (self-contraction) was constructed, but I can't bring up the willingness to do it anymore. When I try, it simply hurts. It's as if the interest in the drama of self is going away.
It's really nice.

As always it could get worse, it could get better or it could stay the same.

Nice one Owen

Another musical practice update:

Kriyas. Lots of them. Massive waves of energy have been going through the body over the last few days. If this had happened any earlier, I would not have dealt with it well. They seem to have an emotional resonance of profound suffering, but my thoughts are not geting linked up with them. If I were a psychotherapist, I would call this a dissociated state but it is the furthest thing from it since there is a deep intimacy with the body and mind. I twist and I turn violently and I make faces and feel almost a touch nauseous, but all the while my thought stream is happy-go-lucky.

This feels like second path, but done from a place of profound equanimity. What's fascinating is that when my body is in intense pain it will do what it needs to do to get away from it, following whatever training its been given. Sometimes that is skillful practice, sometimes that is my neurotic crap that was installed during childhood. Keeping it out of the latter requires non-trivial vigilance.