Owen's Practice Journal, Part II

Hey everybody,
So this is my new practice journal. I'm starting this because, due to everything that has happened recently, my practice is going to be different. Feel free to hijack anytime you like. I'll just keep posting what's up with me in hope that it is of some benefit and service.

So, on to the sitting.
Began sit with the intention of simply doing samatha practice. Feels like this is a good time start ramping that up. Made it up to equanimity via breath counting, then merged it with vipassana. It seems as though after 4th jhana that almost has to be done. The appearance of all the jhanas were as usual. Noticing lately a fluttering of energy around my throat before fruitions and NS. It is associated with the color green. Interesting. Trying to figure out how to do the long duration pre-sleep NS that Kenneth keeps talking about. The shutdown seems to last longer now, and is more pronounced. I'm beginning to think that NS is another style of fruition, where the other three have a theme. Suffering shows up as kind of a wrenching cessation, impermanence presents as a drum beat continuos chain, and non-self is just one that kinda happens. NS appears to be almost a cultivated surrender to the lack of objects in awareness. Maybe. Still figuring this one out. More will be revealed.

One other thing. Kenneth asked me to write this down before it gets forgotten in the wake of the new normal.

What it felt like before:
I was a traffic cop between an imaginary version of myself and the rest of the world. When a painful sensation came in, I tried to shepard this imaginary self away from it. When pleasure came, I tried to keep the imaginary self soaked in it as long as possible.

What it feels like now:
I have dropped the idea that the sensations that made up this imaginary version of me are anything other than sensations. There is absolutely nothing to protect. Because that new understanding is now in my body, nothing is really a problem. Pain is pain. It hurts. Pleasure is pleasure. It feels good. It is all constantly changing, not me, and frustrating as hell to try and hold onto.
Once I got that, I was no longer being continuously dragged behind the dharma truck. The chains were cut, and I got dropped off right when I started. Freedom.

"Once I got that, I was no longer being continuously dragged behind the dharma truck. The chains were cut, and I got dropped off right when I started. Freedom."-OwenBecker

I love your descriptions, Owen. "Traffic cop for an imaginary self." No longer "dragged behind the dharma truck." Excellent!

Kenneth

I just read the end of your last thread Owen. It makes me so happy...

"I just read the end of your last thread Owen. It makes me so happy... "

Thanks Clayton. You are a big part of why I got to write that. Much love dude.

The trick to getting this is not to be smart, but to be dumb in a really systematic way.

EDIT - Can't remember if that was me or if I heard that somewhere... hmm. Kids, don't do drugs, they catch up with you.

"I was a traffic cop between an imaginary version of myself and the rest of the world. When a painful sensation came in, I tried to shepard this imaginary self away from it. When pleasure came, I tried to keep the imaginary self soaked in it as long as possible.
"

Oh man oh man, way to go Owen! And this traffic cop description is great, I can see myself doing this even as I read it.

Looking forward to seeing how this unfolds.

Thanks Ian!

Anyway, so how this is unfolding, at least for today is that I'm sitting at my desk at the office and seriously wondering what all the fuss was about. This new perspective is very rapidly becoming normal. There is a bit of a lingering disappointment that it isn't a "permanent cosmic bliss out," but on further reflection it is amazingly perfect. A permanent bliss out would very quickly burn out the desire that makes it pleasant, and then it would become a frozen hell.

It seems to be a lot more about release than pleasure. In a bizarre way, the thing enlightenment solves more than anything is the desire for enlightenment. Looking back, that was what was torturing me the most. There aren't any real conclusions to be had, just a trusting intimacy with the mystery of it all.

You are gonna need a project. Siddhis? 3rd gear? 2nd gear? The 4 bramhaviharas? Write a book? Help all the masses? Be normal? Learn salsa?

My project at the moment is be normal with a dash of siddhi and salsa. Hehe! Welcome to getting off the ride and figuring out what else there is to do with your life. Congrats once again!

Nick

Thanks Nick. Yeah, I've actually been looking for a project. My dharma project is to get really good at NS so I can pull off Kenneth's sleep trick. I'm also pondering the teaching thing. It would be good for my ego to make an ass out of myself in public from time to time.

But being normal sounds really fun, and there is a first time for everything. Long term goals (anything outside of this moment) seem difficult to picture. I just hope I can be of some service after the amazing support I've had the grace to get over all these years.

Owen is right... listen up everyone... you are not going to 'figure this one out' so give that notion up as soon as possible and begin to cultivate your practice diligently

Alright, back on the cushion. Since the event, I have, in retrospect, been rather lazy with the sitting. It's too easy to wander around in total amazement that other people feel as much like you as you do and wind up neglecting your formal meditation time. I was sitting in a meeting this morning and having pretty fast and constant fruitions. I think somebody might have noticed that my eyes kept fluttering around. I need to take care of this on the cushion lest the weird bits start spilling out into other parts of my life.

Anyway, Clayton, I tried your advice and went through the arc a couple times. I'm finding that I like to get up and stand between long sits and stare at the wall for a while. I remembered I loved that part during sesshin, so I'm working it back in instead of dealing with the sleepy feet. I'm also noticing that I can really dig spending long periods of time doing samatha in the 7th jhana. I'm loving the sensations of syrupy and delicious blackness of that space. I also notice that it is the spot to boost the concentration power for the next trip through the arc. First trip up the arc was difficult, I'm exhausted dealing with family stuff, took a while for my mind to quiet down, and I seem to be plagued by aches and pains today. But I'm still playing with NS, so once I got up to J13, I searched around in my mind for the power button. Found it shortly thereafter and, man this was a big one. Total, hard extended blip out. I've got to remember to restrict that to reclining sessions. Keep falling off the damn zafu. Now I get to spend the next day being all mellow and wanting to commune with the squirrels. On the upside, it did wind up getting that song out of my head.

Last night's meditation was reclining, mainly due to my afternoon workout having left my back in an interesting state. I went through the jhanic arc about 3 times, and on the last trip up I took the consciousness in J6 as a kasina. Hung out there for a while then up to J13 and took "knowing" as a kasina. They are really rather different. Witness consciousness is more of a detached after effect, while knowing awareness seems to be inseparable. Followed them up with NS and spent the rest of the night in semi-aware dreaming through a re-observation. Woke up in equanimity feeling totally rested.

www.ehow.com/how_2164887_deal-zen-enlightenment.html

Wow. Just... wow. On ehow?

haha, wow!

That's really neat.

Hahaha fantastic. I would so ask the golden ball of energy if he wanted to play xbox with me or somefen. Haha! Great find!

Lol, what a hilarious mental image. Nick Laughing it up while playing x-box with a golden ball of energy.

I wonder if it could grow an arm and give you a high five.

I want one!

When there is nobody there to accept, everything becomes acceptable.

Quick reminder, if you can see it, it isn't you. If you can see enough things that are not you, you will become enlightened.

Quit with the philosophy, quit wandering around from practice to practice and just NOTE! This is too good not to experience. It is hard to do, but it is simple and if you can be dumb enough to just follow directions, you can do it! GET IT DONE! WAKE UP!

I've been off on too many tangents lately. Thanks Owen, I'm going to go back to basics again.

One other thing. What you note is not in any way important. If your ass falls off, note that. If it turns to gold, note that also. If you are getting obsessed with the sense of the separate self and where is comes from, note "obsessive thoughts". You will die long before you figure out what it all means. You will die long before you find something to note that is in any way special.

Ron had a big insight noting a burp lol. Good stuff Owen, you and Mike come up with some great stuff - I love the way both of you write!

Also, extremely helpful for me right now.

"Quick reminder, if you can see it, it isn't you. If you can see enough things that are not you, you will become enlightened. "

Awesome. Just awesome.

"If your ass falls off, note that. If it turns to gold, note that also. If you are getting obsessed with the sense of the separate self and where it comes from, note "obsessive thoughts". You will die long before you figure out what it all means." -OwenBecker

Owen Becker is going to be a great teacher, an important teacher. You heard it here first, folks.

""If your ass falls off, note that. If it turns to gold, note that also. If you are getting obsessed with the sense of the separate self and where it comes from, note "obsessive thoughts". You will die long before you figure out what it all means." -OwenBecker

Owen Becker is going to be a great teacher, an important teacher. You heard it here first, folks.

"

yes yes yes
I love any advice that makes things less complicated and brings it all back to just what is happening right now.

I think I've been wasting some time and effort on a belief that it is possible to figure out the separate self and that I'm somehow doing it wrong because I can't figure it out. It's good to know I can officially retire from that job too