Russell's Practice III

Neat -- and not surprising given the previous posts! Wishing you the best!!! Got my fingers crossed for you, but it kinda seems you don't need it!

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Keep us updated, Russell.

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Keep us updated, Russell.

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Thanks guys. You know I will.

This is very strange. It feels like something changed and nothing changed at the same time. Very hard to put my finger on it. I feel calmer in a way, but still feel all the same stuff coming up. I guess I just have to sit back and see what to make of all this.

When I sit. I just keep getting expanding and inclusive awareness. Feel like 5th jhana, but space inst the only thing there, everything is there.

Oh, that sounds good.

Do you still see any mysteries?

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Do you still see any mysteries?

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Depends when you ask me. I don't even know if I can answer that. Hrmm

My personal experience: one of the biggest changes at 4th path transition was resolution. Something became absolutely crystal clear. One minute I was the way I'd always been and the next minute I knew exactly what that being was, and what I'd been fooling myself about.

Good point Chris. I'll try to explain. 2 days ago it was crystal clear. Now, it feels like there is no way that it is possible that this was it. Either way. I'm just going to keep doing what I am doing, see what pans out. If that wasn't it, another layer just peeled back and I will keep looking. I'm luckily having a chat with Ron in a couple days so that will be good.

Yeah, there's some nuance to this, and there are two different and distinct but related experiences: 1) a no-self experience, where the sense self is absent and which can be had without a permanent shift and 2) the baseline shift that comes during the 4th path transition that permanently resolves the mystery that folks carry around with them regarding what they always had assumed about the self.

Some turbulence yesterday but pretty deeply calm today. Calmest since I can last remember. It's like I don't feel like I have been needing to check into how Russell is doing as much. Does that even make sense?

Nice! Keep us posted, please.

Had a good chat with Ron last night.

I keep wavering between truly calm and flow-like to having rough conditioned patches. This really does feel like something switched, but it's a gradual unfolding process where the calm moments get longer and the embedded moments get shorter. If I sit, I think I am going to start up some simple metta practice and see where that takes me.

How's the anxiety, Russell? Of course you know I'm going to ask you that, as an interested party! If I hadn't been on planet Laurel for the past month or more I'd have weighed in sooner.

It's been pretty wicked since late August. Lots of dissatisfaction with everything during that phase. That pull or dissatisfaction with the path is gone now, however anxiety remains. Well everything really remains. The sensations arise, and they are unpleasant, but not as effective. I am wavering in out between a very calm phase where sensations just arise, even anxiety, but they aren't happening to Russell. I actually don't even need to check in to how "I" am doing during those times. However, this is mixed with some unpleasant ego fighting where I seem to get embedded again. Really strange to watch, but I realized I just do my thing while this is going on too, even if it is unpleasant. I don't have a pity party and sit there and ask "Why is this happeneing to me?"

Whatever problems arise will be related to the dissonance between what is happening and what you think SHOULD be happening. The first is real, the second imaginary. Embrace the first and let the other go. Anxiety is happening? Fine, let it happen. You get embedded again? Fine, get embedded. There is "ego fighting"? Fine, there is ego fighting.

My wife and I like to tease each other by occasionally shouting out "Calcified idea alert!"

You know so much. You are practically an expert on meditation and its results. And yet this knowledge is causing you nothing but pain. Notice how often your expectations are at odds with the reality of your experience. What can you learn form that? Your models are wrong. Just notice. And forgive. You are not in charge. Renounce your enlightenment and see what's next. You can be an unhappy pundit or a happy idiot. I recommend idiocy.

"You can be an unhappy pundit or a happy idiot. I recommend idiocy."

Now we're talking. Love the punch of that.

Thank you Kenneth. Very, very helpful.

Sitting notes: Have not been sitting much. Maybe 20-30 mins a day. Had all kinds of energy stuff any time I closed my eyes yesterday. Almost like review cycling. I could just sit and close my eyes and I would get strobing and rapid eye movement and expansion right away. My sit last night started like that and cycled to expansion/quiet and then flashes of light again. Over and over. Then just for fun I tried Kenneth's ships in the harbor technique and immediately upon listening for it, I got expansion and joy arising.

Meant to post off-cushion notes too: Not nearly as much activity in the 3rd eye anymore but its seems shifted to the solar plexus all day yesterday. Taking Kenneth's post to heart today and it has really made a difference off-cushion. Thanks again Kenneth.

Had some great practice using Kenneth's tips off cushion yesterday. Some really beautiful moments shone through. In particular I was sitting with my wife watching my kids play and she looked up and said "Do you like the color of the sky better with your sunglasses on or off?" I was just blown away with how relevant that question was in the moment. So perfect, and she didn't even know it. We look at everything through a lens, but is the sky's color actually changed?

Anyways, later that evening I was finally in a very desire for deliverance mode where I was literally saying " F{1}amp;@ this path, I am done". Just wanted to go to sleep.

I don't have much to say lately so for journaling sake:

blah blah blah suffering...blah blah sitting...blah blah ohh calm....blah blah blah

Sorry about that last update. Seems I am cycling through some bad stuff again. Very fearful, and unnerving. My sitting practice last night consisted of an automatic self-inquiry type practice where I only noted 'Not Mine', I have never done this, but it just started on it's own somehow.

Off cushion. A constant stream of questioning about my experience is happening. "Who is this happening to?", "Who is aware?", "There is only this moment", "there is no way to tell what the next moment will bring" and many more...

I realize now that I was originally using this to try to change my experience, or at least expecting it to change my experience. Now I just note that when I am seeing that thought arise too.

This is great, Russell. I like the way you are letting the questions arise spontaneously to guide your practice, and the fact that you seem to be questioning everything. Here is another one I find helpful:

Is it even possible to meditate? Is it possible to direct the attention in any way?

Keep us posted.

Don't apologize. It's only refreshing with unpolished posts that don't try to keep any "perfect yogi" or any other self image in place.

Thank you for being honest of where you where at that point in time