Russell's Practice III

Loud "Pop, flash" fruition that freaked me out during my sit last night. Like a loud bang and visual field was like a lightbulb bursting. I don't remember what happened before that. But afterwards, strong emotional reaction, so I got up and read. Wild stuff.

Still cruising along. Lot's of crown pressure in my sit last night. It feels difficult to do witness practice (kind of has for a while, it's not stable) so I am just sitting or trying to take awareness as an object. Inclination keeps growing to do self-inquiry off cushion. Was driving through fog yesterday morning and today and it seemed like a perfect metaphor for all of this. No way to know what is ahead, etc...

Just sitting here embracing the unknown, or trying to.

Still seem to be cycling rather quickly. Can be quite a roller coaster as the day goes on. Had another long period of very calm again even though nothing felt like it changed. Was rather fun to just watch anxiety arise and ground it.

So, earlier today I was climbing around on top of my roof putting Christmas lights up and the neighbors were very worried about me. Then it started to rain and the roof got a bit slippery. Yet somehow I have no fear of being up there at all. But if I am on solid ground and I feel a bit dizzy, I nearly have a panic attack. How does that make sense?

So there I was up there on the wet roof laughing to myself about this.

I think sometimes when we're in situations where we have to pay attention to stuff other than our own internal chit chat (like helping someone else, keeping our balance in difficult terrain, assembling something, etc), we forget our mental habits more easily. The difference seems to me particularly noticeable as ones insight deepens. When one can just be in the moment doing whatever one is doing it's much more pleasant and gets done more productively than when one is chattering nervously away inside, imagining all sorts of catastrophic scenarios.

"I think sometimes when we're in situations where we have to pay attention to stuff other than our own internal chit chat (like helping someone else, keeping our balance in difficult terrain, assembling something, etc), we forget our mental habits more easily. The difference seems to me particularly noticeable as ones insight deepens. When one can just be in the moment doing whatever one is doing it's much more pleasant and gets done more productively than when one is chattering nervously away inside, imagining all sorts of catastrophic scenarios."

Spot on.

"Still seem to be cycling rather quickly. Can be quite a roller coaster as the day goes on. Had another long period of very calm again even though nothing felt like it changed. Was rather fun to just watch anxiety arise and ground it. "

Having fun with anxiety--good stuff!

Well I don't have much to say other than I am really noticing more and more detail about thoughts and physical anxiety symptoms and how they manifest and what from. Of course I have seen this process unfold many many times, but as the path unfolds it seems you keep getting deeper and deeper into the details of what is going on in the mind. I have been out of town for the last 3 days on business so I have not gotten much practice in, mainly right before bed. My whole body was vibrating last night while trying to sleep, and it kept me up for over an hour even though I was exhausted after a 15 hour work day.

That's the trouble with meditating before bed. It depends on what practice you use, of course. But I've had the same thing happen to me. Now if I do any sitting before bed, it's a really basic practice of watching the breath in and out of the body.

That's a good point Laurel. I will be on the plane tonight. I find turbulence on the plane an awesome time for practice in letting go. I can watch myself tense up when the bumps start like I can actually do something to control the plane. It is silly and really shows resistance and self inflicted suffering. I look forward to the bumpy ride.

Tomorrow marks 1 year since I first chatted with Ron and started noting. Wow, how time flies! I have come a long way but at the same time, in a way, I feel like I am right where I started. Very strange feeling. Thanks to everyone, especially Ron, who hashelped me along the way so far. Many more posts to come.

Last night on the plane, after tinkering with my iPad for an hour (in flight Wifi) I tried to meditate and it was more like lucid dreaming. I remember visualizing doing all the things that I had done that day but from the perspective of awareness, like I was everyone and everything. It kept making me smile and get little mini kriyas. Just kind of jolts of energy. I "woke up" and just watched the clear night sky as we landed and realized how small the 'self' is in the big picture. When I got home (aound midnight) I still couldnt sleep. Lots of energetic stuff happening. I was having more visualizations, this time of a woman talking to me although i cant remember what she was saying. Had more energy blast little twitches and then finally went to sleep.

The gratitude is all mine Russell! Thanks so much for letting me be a part of your path.

I've been asking myself a lot lately when I have anxiety about anything "does the self want to be anxious?"

It seems like this is a way for the self to check in on itself. It is almost like it has to check in and see if it can 'feel deeply' and also check if it is still there. When things flow, it jumps and and says 'hey, I'm still here, see! Feel this!'

Watching this pattern is very revealing.

Seems these insights integrate rather quickly lately. It is like you see something, and then it becomes the new norm so quickly that its easy to just wonder how you didn't see something as clearly before.

Deep calm settling in again, at least for the moment. More and more flow moments, with twinges of anxiety in between that can be grounded fairly easily for now.

The desire/need to sit is fading to the point where I don't even think about it until bedtime.

Who knows what the next moment with bring?

Calmer mode is still here. Still have moments of anxiety but they are not as powerful. Having more non-dual type experiences where I see the big Self as everything in awareness.

Surrender is all I can do at this point. There is only this moment and that is all there is to it. It really is that simple. Been spending some time looking for those little resistances that are still hiding.

Went through a little self-induced frustration in attempting to over anaylze things. In a miserable attempt to surrender I was watching the mind latch on and objectify things and it was very frustrating. The ego latches on and makes a story about everything (ohh this is pain, this is a thought, etc). Now the mind sees this and gets frustrated. Have to just go back and remember there is just this moment again.

Russell, I'm going to post something in my thread, it might make you feel better about what you're going through here...

Russell, I'm reading your thread as it goes along and the theme I'm getting is of intense seeking, active, looking for something, judgments about not seeing it, not getting it, and that you are just not at all what or where you want to be. My prescription, FWIW, is to chill a bit. Really chill. Drop everything for now, but especially the desire to get somewhere.

I agree Chris. I keep shifting from relaxing into things and then an intense desire to get things done and all that comes with that. More of the latter unfortunately. . Thanks for the tips. I will chill

Follow betawave's thread 'cause what he is saying might help you.

Been a week since I posted here. I have never gone that long before. My practice lately has been non-practice. The goal oriented nature of practice is getting in the way at this point. So, like Chris said above, I have been chilling out. It is a such a relief. This week has really allowed for really noticing how much I am trying to control things. Any time I start to feel strong agencylessness, I notice the mind trying to bring things back into control and that is when I get anxious. So for now, I am just watching this process and giving it some love. Fighting it would not make it stop, it would only make for more controlling. This is very interesting.

Been another week. I think I have sat 2 times. The first time came with a big non-dual experience where the observer and the observed were the same thing. This happened when I was watching the 3rd eye and tried to turn the attention around to who was watching and there was no watcher to be found. This was followed by a massive bliss wave/absorption type thing.

Since then I sat again and just did the 'do nothing', surrender type practice. This seems to bring on NS type states. Hard to explain. Just stating for the record.

Off cushion it seems the feeling of agencylessness is growing every day.

Yeah it was NS. When I am doing 3rd gear type surrender practice I tend to keep rebooting it's keeping me up at night though. Time to not practice again

Weekly update. Very interesting mix of what is going on, as usual. Been sitting a bit more, but still short sessions of 30-35 minutes or so when I can. If I sit at night, I usually cannot sleep for hours afterwards. Lots of energetic stuff. Lack of sleep has been it's weighing on me but finally slept last night. Going through a bit of a rough patch right now off-cushion, but it will pass. Over the last week, I have been having many more moments of agencylessness mixed with interesting moments of seeing objects arise without objectification. Kind of cool.

Also cycling through desire for deliverance type moments where I don't ever feel like awakening can happen. But those pass as well.

So, been a while since I have posted an update. Really, not much to report. My main practice is Inquiry and occasionally sitting and letting go. Reading a lot of Adyashanti and some Koans.

Just being present and engaged in everything I do.