Loco's journal 1

You just gave me a sprinkle. Thank you.

The mind is so quick in making a safetycopy of the real thing, that it is fooling me 80% of the time. I am loosing most of my life in the inner archives as an administration official arranging yellowed fotos.
But even the safetycopies/screenshots are drenched in pleasant feelings. I don't know if I should laugh or cry on that. it makes it even more difficult. to leave and get out into fresh air.
giving the drug of the known away will .... I don't know

"The mind is so quick in making a safetycopy of the real thing, that it is fooling me 80% of the time. I am loosing most of my life in the inner archives as an administration official arranging yellowed fotos.
But even the safetycopies/screenshots are drenched in pleasant feelings. I don't know if I should laugh or cry on that. it makes it even more difficult. to leave and get out into fresh air.
giving the drug of the known away will .... I don't know

"

Hey everybody...

Don't miss LocoAustriaco's journal. It's a must-read.

Kenneth

Loco: I really identify with your post #22. It will be interesting to see how both of our practices progress.

I've also noticed the sports thing - the mind is too aloof to be focused and in the flow, so its not a traditional flow state, thats for sure.

It's nice to have a clock next to your cushion. I 've thrown it out of the window that moment. (the sound that came back didn't make me feel like it hurt somebody.)

There is only (your) experience.
The clock will measure the experience of the clock.

"Loco: I really identify with your post #22. It will be interesting to see how both of our practices progress."

Hi orasis,
I am looking forward to it. And sideward
At the moment I am rehumanising and de-technologising my "concept" of the whole thing. If it is what I think, I am not sure if there is something like a progress in the sense of going forward. Every direction is forward, if you walk it. Not because the direction is right.
Because no matter what, you can not be prepared for this experience.
The experience is being unprepared .

Hm, I should/shouldn't write more about that. It will be really interesting for me too to follow your thread.

The human kind seems to have a VIP-Gold-Membership-Card for the cosmic game. But most of the time I am to arrogant to use it.

No matter what you do, you will not be prepared for this experience. you will be that same lonely naked child in a snowy landscape that you always were. life and death will rip your heart right open. but what else can you do? everything you tried led you to this point. take that step from the top of the mountain into the dark.

"The clock will measure the experience of the clock.
"

Love it!!
Thanks.

The mental openness generates some deep resonances with my psyche. They are somehow integrating. On the other side: The more open in meditation, the more vulnerable, the more defensive and shy in life. Hm. ???
What to do. Looking into the dusty box in the attic: Oh how wonderful, an A-bomb: Tummo.
Let's burn the whole stable down und see what happens with the horses.

Later: After 2 years of abstinence, good old tummo. long time no see. woaha.
Ask a rocketscientist who won a boat full of plutonium what he will do with his compulsion to handicraft and you know how it feels to mix KFD 3rd gear instructions with tummo. fukushimalike sex drive, no need to sleep (why would one sleep?), divine al-pacino-in-scarface-like attitude. don't worry, what goes up, will come down...

... but when?

Slept perfect but completely unconscious. If I review my last posts it seems I have to work on my capacity for suffering to avoid this up and down movements after mental earthquakes and stay with the vibrations.

The dark side of the moon needs space to keep on turning.
.

Hi technical question! There is the mind and beyond that, there is what they name awareness. which is, if you remember the trueman-show, when JC swims to the border of his world and comes to a spherical barrier. the real, nonfilm version is like a hollow ball of glass, very transparent, pure, clean, consisting of nothing but transparency itself. you wouldn't know that it is there, if you couldn't step into it and notice the change. nothing that happens within that immaterial sphere will ever scratch it. ok. get into the "glass" or awareness or whatever and a kind of juice comes into your life. a very fruitful quality. ok. if you stay there you will probably get enlightened soon (seems to have some strong physical connection to the chest and changes something in my energyhousehold). ok.

inside the glass layer you can feel that this was and will always be, it will never change, it is unchangeable. but i can feel that outside or behind or beyond that "glass" there is something absolute incredible, something open, something that will kill me. a big yes. or a no. or i don't know.
when i come back it makes me crazy, that i can not touch that or take it, or even a very microscopic piece, or even think about it. it runs like sand through your fingers, fingers that do not exist. kenneth knows the "monster" , because he can ask questions, that throw you into it. but the moment i am there, i don't ask. and when i ask, i am not there. what is this? what is it made of? and yes it must be controllable otherwise you couldn't ask a questions to untie it.

This is the sequel of the "not well phrased because completely unknown"-project. poor but sexy. It is darkening and we have a beautiful thunderstorm. The horses are going wild. Lying in bed with backpain, morphins and myself, I 'm not responsible for anything, I 'm in the mood for molding:


Yesterday i was driving on a highway, resting in the awareness of the whole scene. a river flowing through an ocean.

I forgot what it means that something exists. What does it mean: "something is"?

Born in the same moment, one half of the apple says to the other, "the whole apple is real" and by saying that cutting the apple in two halves, loosing what it tried to win. is enlightenment real?

What happens when something arises in my mind? It is a lie that it arises, because the mind arises in the same moment. and the moment itself arises with them. so who can tell whom?

The 2headed snake is watching, what it is most fascinated by, itself. It loves to bring one head in opposition to the other to double the joy. Of being one.

What happens if one of them looks into their common source? It sees his opponent disappear. And in the same moment fades away.

What is you and what is your reflection? who is looking into your eyes?

mirror, mirror on the wall, who is existing at all.

-

experiences happened to me. now I am happening to the experiences (2-3 times a day)

accompanied by unusual perfect sleep. reality is frayed at the seams and tangible in the middle. it is easy to loosen it up, get connection, and dissolve into the web.

around the throat and the whole head is a nice streaming (no more tingling on the surface, the streaming is around, maybe 10cm above the surface) that gets stronger when you relax or lay down to sleep.

Completely off the track. painkillersideeffects, tired, lazy. but honestly it seems to be easier to be not embedded in the experience if the experience is painful. gives you a kind of extra combustion chamber. i didn't utilise it, just tried if it would work. don't like to feel guilty because of my laziness, i am too old for that.

recovered. disgust for medications and all that kitsch.
sitting 4 x 45min.
perfect inside weather.

Where have I been before I was born? Do animals cry? From where do the dreams come? If you die, can I come with you? Questions from my 2,5 year old girl. Perfect for inquiry. I-am-ness is the answer to all of them.

From the point of I-am-ness and even before, it happens that I can see copies of reality arise in a kind of goldversion, but still they are copies (often there arises nothing, cause the energy of the copyprocess is melted into reality).
There are gaps between this copies. I noticed a tendency to put the gap in the crosshairs.
But that fixes the mind to the gap or narrows the focus or better brings a kind of wish into it, which disturbs the naturality/instinctiveness/nativeness of the whole thing (very shy deer!) and leads more into what guys here would probably call a jhanic direction, which seems to be the longer way, cause later you have to thin it out again)

So instead of slipping through the gap, I become the gap.

It avoids the negative pleasant sideeffects of concentration. But of course if you are the gap, you disappear. your psyche will not be enthusiastic about it. When coming back I have the feeling that a huge pile driver (the method) caused an earthquake in my emotional body/psyche and everything is shaky and unsecure but very alive. Normally I am deeply touched and get a bit emotional (the center is the heart area) and I don't know anymore how seriously I want it all. But that's just coquetting around.

I can eat through my skin.

Tarantino. Beginning to understand a little why the witness could be a useful state 4 somebody. It feels like: I don't react to your games or your psyche or your emotions or your whatever you come along with. in 100years all of this will have vanished, in fact it will never have happened and I am in contact with the this truth. What will stay is the vanishing, that I am in contact with. I have already died out of your world of games, of likes and dislikes. I am here because the energies of my body are not used up, and they carry me through this world. It would cost something to interrupt that natural flow. I only react to you because your body is part of my experience, it is part of the truth. your personality is somehow irrelevant and I see through that beautiful, boring, hysteric, overdone, acute, colourful hyperbole. I am a person but the dough is thin, as thin as can be, reduced to the essential biological beeing. It lets some light through. i live on that. I don't live on betting on relationships. This is more healthy. You can see it when you look in the mirror in this state. or the face of somebody who will die soon. There is the beauty of eternity shining through the skin. The profane knock-off of the whitness is coolness and we find that attractive. Tarantino knows that. He expands the feeling over his whole world. You can do what you want, because it doesn't change a lot. You will live and die anyway. Coolness drinks from the same dwell, without knowing about the overwhelming hugeness of the lake behind it.

I wouldn't even say there is a use for compassion. Everything is already one.

I wander how long it will take me to understand that nothing is not a picture of nothing.

Find my Tarantino-Witness a bit drastic today. But there is that kind of quality in my meditation. A realising of the antisocial idea of getting happy alone. Noting: guilt, wish to delete my narcistic/sociopathic part, wish that reality woul be more romantic/human

2x45min concentration/breath.
dullness then a bit of easing and alertness. should have done "whoami"