Loco's journal 1

Enlightenment is like a dark brother. walking next to me, so familiar, so strange and never me.

every breath i take brings a notion from the horizon and yet, it always stays unreachable, far behind the light.

Watched my right hand close the belt of the childseat while I was driving the car. It's difficult to close the thing with 2 hands if the car is standing stil and one is on the other side of the car, 3 belts have to be linked together and put into a clasp. I would not have believed that it is possible to do it with one hand (it is built to prevent that)
my hand did it without any participation of mine, elegant like the world is letting it happen. like in matrix and it seemed natural to me, just now that i am out it is fascinating, how did it know that it can do it? I tried it today and couldnt do it. its difficult even with 2 hands. feels a bit like one of these zen and martial arts/samurai thing when something impossible happens.

The narrative loop stopped interfering with the processing loops

seems i'm back on track, maybe 80%.

One, seven, three, five.
What you search for cannot be grasped.
As the night deepens,the moon brightens over the ocean.
The black dragon's jewel is found in every wave.
Looking for the moon, it is here in this wave
and the next.

ingredients:

-1. the preciousness comes from beeing still (good to start with) triggers loss of agency

- 2. the golden, warm shimmer comes from enjoying carefully the moment or feeling the body or saying "I", has to do with a gentle sensual love, letting go of time

- 3 the black transparent shimmer comes from dissociation or giving it an overall-after-i-have-died-perspective (has also sometimes been a bit spooky) how would it look if i was not here?, haietmOBA?, what is that? triggers loss of ownership

if one falls out it is possible to let it happen again by using one of this three control dials, trial and error which

hippiestyle enlightened today, if the mind disappears, the body is free, instable but natural, flows easily between yes and no.

sometimes there is an increase in productivity, sometimes a decrease, sometimes dysfunctionality/pleasantpsychosislike.

20%-IN end of suffering, sensual but a somehow sanctimonious quality
80%-IN seems ideal, balance between me and no me, just at the beginning of beauty, the barefoot-version of it, not the glory-glory-hallelujah
100%-iN is strange, complete absorption in bodyperception, slowing down, switching off, no-face, the animal

stuck in the peaceful, harmless, happy, calmed down state. mind doesn't want to practice anything, just goes into relaxation and reality contact all the time. nothing fresh, alive, open, free. endogen opiates ruling the unneurotic world. skin in the face shows the state, makes the colour more pale (like opiates do, blooodpressure decreases)

slow progress, becomes clearer how some things are interconnected; especially witness, 2nd jhanalike and pure body awareness. witness was experienced in an unusual strenght (clearer now how a tension in the neck splits the consciousness from emotions), close to complete psychopathy; yesterday a few minutes of spontaneous arising of E. low intensitiy of experiences at all. method: go to the place where thoughts appear

sitting in between the chairs: in the past i used to practice 3 h a day and had strong effects. now the mind practices when it likes without asking me - results: 20% of what is possible or less, but why should i need results?
so that's the dilemma. i am staying in shallow waters. and if i say: practice! i get the answer: why should i? because you are not enlightened! and, so what? why should i be enlightened? ok, i am out of the these games! and just in that moment getting a shot of the big E, aaaargh....

found a solution to practice without using technique

yesterday: seemed to be a relation between enlightenment and a day of hard bodily work (effortless increase of bodyperception, sleep like a stone, etc)

I dunno, seems like no technique is also a technique

yes probably. but at the moment it seems i found something new to me, i have solid visual hallucinations of lighteffects around dark places and sometimes the world visually disappears, starts with a stream from the windows as if light would be water, then there is something like a very dense fog and the world is pale and paler and plop gone. the sense of me drops deeper and deeper, passes a very exiting place and gives place to a very open/mahamudralike space. what a beautiful practice selfinquiry is without selfinquiry ...

I am an idiot

Me, too! Let's start a club!

(but i am so much, that i should be the president)

- problem: "witness feels not alive". staying in the neutral and empty state leads to fear that has a tendency to become unconscious and morphs then into narratives. out of this fear - if it is allowed to stay conscious - arises the aliveness and vulnerability that is necesary for E to arise.
- staying in the neutral and empty state (probably a version of the witness) until I fall asleep brings the highest deligth (i'll try to recheck that hopefully)
- if mushrooms and E lead to the same state in the brain, it should be possible to verify ones E by taking mushrooms. Thinking about to try that. Because: as far as I hear, mushrooms lead to overwhelming love, which is not my experience of E

Always amusing somehow:

Wait,... you don't want to unleash the power in your life?

LOL

Feeling very "cultivated" and caring for myself today. tendency of fantasies to cling to organisational power

I actually really enjoyed that video. I think because I am particularly sensitive to emotional vibes lately, so seeing a bunch of people really happy makes me feel really happy.

Yes, they are happy zombies

LOL, why?

and now to something completely different (to do some journaling): I am so f**king enlightened today like I haven't been since february. congratulaions welcome.

or is it just the appealing new babysitter and the feeling of freedom she brought with her?

Congratulations! Prepare to eat sh^t.