Loco's journal 1

Hi, there. a lot of interesting journals here!
I had some time to practise these weeks (2 x 50mins a day). I simply write the things down that I don't want to forget. Maybe someone knows what is going on in me. if not also fine

If I focus in practise on my throat, feeling the awareness descend from the brain to the adams apple, the inner dialogue stops and the bones of my head seem to dissolve or open up to a kind of big theater. It feels like I am in a warm lake and just my nose and the eyes are out of the water. it is not possible to seperate feelings from the legs or arms or body, it is all the same, not here. but the upper part of the head is completely different, kind of gone or transformed into a vast hemisphere of autumnlight. it is filled with an exciting atmosphere, a kind of an cosmic amusement park or a spiritual las vegas, something "allwaysnew" and drenched in the possibility of wonders. lol. man, it sounds so dramatic when I write it down. but in reality it feels natural and easy like maybe the feelings of a child. it feels like a big cosmic cinema or theater over and around my head. it looks like the sun is shining from everywhere. Sometimes I fall into a dream.

Wonder if I should go into that state in meditation or just do my normal sitting. the relaxation in the "cinema" seems deeper and the focus is all-over but there is not so much realitycontact. reality seems kind of more liquid or soft.

have a nice evening everybody in austria the sun is shining also in the night at the moment

"Just sitting" the last days (2x45min). Nothing special. Just recharging the batteries, feeling refreshed and clear. One day i was aggressive after sitting, trying to will the world. Next day normal. Felt a little adventurous so instead of noting it, I ve been an outlaw and tried something new, the witness. The description on KFD didn't ring the bell, so i tried it out. 1st day: feeling of a ball inside the head, also that it could be removed and than there would be a kind of hollow me. 2nd day: only 30mins: no ball, lot of ants on the top of the head, afterwards feeling creative and surprisingly self confident and humorous.
feeling also very grateful for the informations on the KFD-HP. After nearly 18 years of puzzling there seems to be someone who knows and tells. Thank you.

Nice descriptions Loco! It would be interesting to hear what types of meditation you have done in the past.

Welcome on board,
Antero.

Thank you, Antero. I 've done mainly Zen and a Tibetan practice called "tummo" (skrt. chandali).

I am happy to be on board

Todays witness-protection-plan-results: The ball in the head is now a ball outside the head in front of the forehead maybe 1-1,5 inch over the eyeline, feels like a black hole or a baby-eclipse. density/gravity is high there. so there are two bubbles now, one is my body and one is that black hole, both are connected. this witnessthing seems to charge up the prefrontal cortex. i am very interested in the world now.

while yesterday i felt a bit like Mr.spock (untouchable), today I feel more like captain picard.

Had to stop sitting, yesterday I slipped a disc while doing sports; problems I 've had since I started riding (15 yrs ago), and which already costed me some months in hospital.

Honestly I thought it would be impossible to take that kind of extreme pain as an object but interestingly enough, because it is extreme, it is easier to use. it is clear that this is not you.

a headache for example or toothache is much more difficult for me cause it is more in me, i am unable to do that. don't exspect the pain to get better, but it changes somehow the quality of the pain or better said your reaction to the pain. Have to stay in bed and the medication has a big impact on my state of mind, difficult to concentrate. hm.

Tried Who am I in bed. results not strong.
Recognised an uplifting, flying quality in it. it is so selfish and narzistic. life is just a beautiful game. lovely, playful but unconnected with the real world of pain. therefore strong and energetic ego.

the results show more after the meditation, in the 2-3 hours afterwards, then vanish (especially when you eat, or drink alcohol or energy drinks). one feels weak again. reality comes back and sucks the energy, vampire.

had that feeling very often in my past, without knowing to where it belongs. this is a kind of healthy version of pubertal hybris. it could be that this energy has something to do with manic-depressive disorders (i worked with bipolar patients when i worked in the hospital). its invincible quality is quite childish. but of course feels good.

read the case study of monica that moment. happy i tried the method before reading it. tells me i am on the right way. interesting. we are all the same.

Now I know why I wake up refreshed in the morning when I meditate. Bought an app on itunes(1$). it wakes you when you are in light sleep. result: refreshed and warm feeling, like having meditated the night before. app is called: "sleep cycle".

diving in my one-man-submarine through the egocean. it is equipped with a little "whoami"beam that makes everything it hits transparent, things vanish in front of me. tip: go the places where are contractions like your i when you where a shy/ashamed/hurt little boy

Loving your choice of words to describe this stuff, excellent wordplay and approach which, in my opinion, make it clear what you're pointing at.

No idea where you are in terms of paths and stuff, but going by your first posting you're getting into 4th jhana with all that spaciousness and the "cosmic cinema", dreaminess and softness of experience. Looking forward to seeing how you get on with thes techniques 'cause you'll definitely make progress!

Good luck!

Thank you, Tommy. Even better than there is a map (what i didn't know a few months ago) is that there is other human life on this treasure/mystery island Thank you!

Today got some tightness/tight focus in the way. hm.
The "who am i" nearly became a concentration homework. solution: mix some "situation" to the cocktail to get the long island taste back. for example: "who am i, who is lying in my bed thinking around", "who am i, sitting on this playground smiling moderately intelligent to that very beautiful girl over there" this one will pay off, "who am i, sleeping with ..." (dont confuse with "who is that, that i am sleeping ...")
Tommorow I will try a 4h all-in-one-witness-session. brrrrrrrrrr.

Lost the duel

one glass of wine yesterday and the witnesslike-feeling disappeared the whole night. it is not coming back easily today. is it really possible that it is that sensitive and does it stay so fragile, when developed? or am i experiencing something else...

could do some finetuning. contact again. trying to establish the feeling like it was, an idea that is like a chewing gum on my shoe. every moment is different, so witness has to learn to swim. to float with what is. even to drift and loose contact. accept that. no! fear arises. of giving in to the moment. moments are changing too fast, they are unreliable persons. i am not crazy. i will not. try to trick that. accept myself even if i have that fear of giving in. result: lost the fear. lost the fine witnessweb. sh§$%t. relaxed animal again. just pleasant. but stupid. give me back that overtonemusic. please. time goes by like nothing. try again later.

staying in the answer, without asking the question (as a text). right eye is dark, left eye is bright. got a big idea. not an "idea of", only idea.

but i can't give in to that. i am afraid. this narrows the door. (but funny even through this eye of a needle one can walk, awareness is also in (or behind) narrowness)

i go back to my stable, do my homework, noting fear and shoveling s%&$t. may the gods keep their fire, i take care of my liver myself. writing that, i get a feeling that giving up is the highway to hell. emotions arising. hi guys. take a seat anger, some patatoe chips for fear? still heineken frustration? yes, the boat is full, but come in guys. you came all the way from my past, so make yourself comfortable.

oh man, i am leaving this house. sitting.

but honestly spoken: my life is better than before

2 x 30. In Sphinx-mode again.
Unfortunately I seem to be in strabismus-mode too.
right eye is kind of stuck (think the eyemuscels and their antagonists are activated at the same time, giving some downwardpressurefeeling) while the left one feels like dancing around and seems to be free.
there is definitely something that looks like an eclipse before the front. it looks a bit like that horizontal expanding gloriole at the hight of the eyes. 2 light circles, one vertical, one horizontal.

By the way, I found out that while sleeping there is a way to look up(!)wards, through the top of the skull, into a very, very black and very, very starry night and no i don't care that Gray's Anatomy has a different opinion.

Got some problems with stiffness in my mind these days, could be a result of a painmedication. makes things more diffcult. So I am writing as an emotional katatonic (or maybe i am like this ). doesn't matter.
somedays a body transforms from a bike to a tank filled with flowers and fruits. if the stargate appears, go where you came from and don't care about the fat chicken, it will keep working for you without you.
wonder if I still understand that tomorrow. Probably not. even now that i read it again it seems quite foolish. 'll c.

Yep, not very good.

Today start of a 4x4x45min program. I keep me in the loop

First minutes talking with an Internal Kenneth, explaining him how to meditate. very clever

Getting into the mode very quickly. Big atmosphere around me appears,tingling under the roof. On the superficial layer of the "ball" appears the lightgame. Knowing I am. Thinking that this could be a skin to contact the black universe of the not existing. but isn't at the moment.
Later I am doubtful. Even if there is no suffering in this mode, I am insecure if I am doing right, because it is so easy to access. Why would people sit 20 years 12 hours a day to achieve something that is so easy to access?
There is no suffering in that mode because I am bigger than myself. So even if I suffer, there is only a part of me suffering. Just a character on the stage. Just one player on the field. This awareness of the whole functions as a kind of audience, pure audience-only. the audience is always safe whatever happens on the stage. murder, corruption, death or pain, they will enjoy it.

3rd gear. No motivation to sit. Zero. It is too easy to access that "state" and get all the good feelings for free. If you do it 3 or 4 times a day, while staring in the computer, driving, shoping, etc. you already have something in the soup and it will be a great day. watch a footballgame, it's fun!
I wonder what would happen if one would stay in that state ...

It is uneasy for me to access it while doing sports. Talking works and is very funny. Also difficult: in a beautiful landscape, the beauty of nature sucks out somehow the beauty of awareness, the beauty glues then on the inventory and doesn't like to come back to its home which is awareness itself

With the suffering the motivation to practice comes back. at least one can count on that.

"in a beautiful landscape, the beauty of nature sucks out somehow the beauty of awareness, the beauty glues then on the inventory and doesn't like to come back to its home which is awareness itself
"

Lovely poetry. And full of truth as a rosebud.

Is it possible to see awareness?