Bill H Practice Log

OK - New log starting, not because of any shift but to start over fresh and be true to how I want to practice right now deep down inside.

- Apparently I am incapable of taking advice for now. Fine. Acceptance.

Plan is anapana on the cushion and continuous mindfulness using noting or other during the day. This feels right to me. I want to be able to give 100% to my practice when I do it and this seems to be the only way right now. If I get pulled in one direction or the other I will follow it. No more trying to force something that doesnt feel right. If I am totally wrong on this approach then I will adjust. It may just be that I need to work in a certain way to deal with this personality. That may change in time. Feels like I need to let myself out to do what I need to do.

Hi Bill,

Sounds a bit like me for the last few months.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am off to do an anapanasati retreat in couple of weeks. So I read buddhadasas book and launched in. For a few days it was great and I felt really concentrated when I sat. But following external agrivations, my distractions went up. I found that it was almost impossible to stay with the breath for any signifigant lenghth of time. It was as if the energy of the distractions was just too powerful.

It took me about two weeks of sitting like this to realise that, this was the great strength of noting....you know your getting your moneys worth, every sit and with every accurate note.

So now im back on the noting, however once I get a bit concentrated I start to find the noting a bit irksome and think oh, ill drop it now and rest on the breath. However, I just note this as doubt. Doubting the practice and thinking I know better. I think its just a way for my ego to hang on, to remain important and to stick in its two penneth every now and again.

However, I dont think this is a phase I have really shaken off, so im not saying its easy, but as long as you keep mindful of how your getting on im sure you will get there in the end. I still try and do some metta everyday, as it makes me feel happier and also reduces striving when I sit.

Good luck

Yes - not sure where this detour will lead.
55 min anapana. Difficult, after getting a bit concentrated it is easier to see just how unstable the mind is - also my hold was a bit loose and it felt like I was bouncing up and down from nanas 1-3(maybe lower 4), like 3 or 4 times, which was an extra distraction. Not really sure how to do concentration without moving up the maps, but it was interesting to see things that I usually almost jump over come up strongly when trying to concentrate - a storm surge of self-doubts, fearful images related to this, although able to stay with the object... I feel different this morning as I am used to crossing A&P in the morning and now I feel simpler, a bit grounded and not 'charged with awareness' like crossing A&P seems to leave me... Will try to anchor in the breath off cushion here....

I think I am going to actively try this one for a while since my intuition tells me this is about as old school as it gets:

thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/...-go-approach-to.html

I have a feeling that approaching concentration in that way leads to insight into how we grasp and hold onto things and should integrate more fully into insight practice when I do it than just drilling into an object for a hundred hours. Anyway the idea 'feels' right to me even if it seems to be off the beaten path. It is also very similar to the body approach to MM which I find curious.

55 min LG (letting go) - pretty wild practice actually. Have never really tried that before. Did as Nick instructs near the end, gently on the breath and then looking for and relaxing around and into tensions in the body, broad body awareness.. It will take some practice but amazingly produced some periods of very strong concentration after only 15 minutes, felt like I was popping in and out of being absorbed, some bliss, some interesting insights into what the mind is doing with tension (creating self images and tension images and holding the duality in the mind while resisting feeling the tension directly)... After a while I realized that I must have travelled up the maps because I suddenly found myself in what I think is re-ob, for me very unpleasant, bubbling tensions all over the head area and shaking observer, the sense of self flipping on and off like a lightswitch and this odd feeling of not being stable on any object.. Felt pretty raw afterwards, still some tension left. I did get the sense that this way is a direct way to learn how to really be with the sensations in the body, instead of avoiding them. At least thats my take on it for now. It was interesting how I felt very concentrated without trying to really concentrate - like a number of times I would release a tension and sort of fall into a more concentrated state...

tons of samadhi pain still - unpleasant creepy crawlies and tensions from the neck up...

This is exactly what I've been doing, for the past 8 months or so. What feels right, following my intuition, etc.
I don't know if I'm getting the "best" results I could, but my practice feels real and I'm much happier then when I began. The breath, the letting go, full body awareness, it's all been working for me. I've even been playing around with some AF practice lately, and with good results.
In any spiritual practice I think it's important to stay true to yourself and allow your curiosity and intuition to be your guide. Although not to the point where it's a new practice every week, but my experience has been that "I" know when to adjust my practice. Sometimes I'm more focused on the breath, sometimes the body. Staying open to what feels right seems to have eased a lot of tension that I was feeling about practice, which has been hugely beneficial.
After all that babbling what I really wanted to say was congrats on having the courage to trust yourself, and good luck!

Sorry, wetpaint seemed to be a little slow for my previous post.

Thanks - I will see where this goes.

Low mindfulness all day until now, played with a number of things and see that noting off-cushion seems to be the most effective thing.. PLain ole 4F's, mostly sensory stuff, some mind, etc. I felt like I was unable to enjoy anything going on in the day until I started to note...Anything else seems to be too constrictive and interferes with functioning, but I can note for hours during the day without any problems.

55 min 4F's. All I can do is laugh at where I got caught and move on.

started out with harsh vibrations, had a number of episodes of seeing anatta of mental objects and tensions in the head which would trigger a strong rush of a thousand tingles throughout the body and head, this happened probably 5-6 times I think, after the second episode things got much calmer, all the harsh stuff was gone, then would enter this calm space with very wide inclusive awareness, sometimes including the sense of the observer and everything, with this soft vibration everywhere, sort of in the background and not just in the body but seemingly in everything. Then I would fall out of this, and get caught in a daydream or something and start some soft verbal noting again, at which point I would start to look again for things I wasn't noting, switch to non verbal noting and end up in that more all inclusive space again, none of it having anything to do with me, a sort of dispassion developing, been there before but seemed to be deeper this time, more getting caught in some daydreams and then hearing, hearing, as the bell rang.

55 min 4F's last night, similar to Saturday...

55 min 4F's this AM, started out calm, then some tensions, a subtle release of energy after a while, then more calm, eventually some unstable bubbly/shaky stuff in the head/unpleasant, then more calm, a couple episodes after that of anatta/energy surge, calm, random tensions, tensions in the head, seeing how the observer is empty, void of any possible content yet the mind is constantly referencing it, trying to insert substance there...

55 min 4F's - mind not very strong, hard to keep on task although there seems to be a fine line between noticing and spacing out at times... Tension initially, calm then some energy rushing, tingles all over, some weird shaking/bubbly/observer shaking stuff and more calm, did have some moments of less duality but not accompanied by any energy, some shooting pains in the back of the neck up into the head for a bit, mostly just calm and wide open, not very clear though, somewhat fuzzy, a few daydreams.

55 min 4F's, some MM thrown in after the midpoint to keep awareness wide...
tensions immediately, some neck twisting, calm after a bit then a few episodes of energy rushing, some calm, more tension, then a larger episode of energy tingles, a billion flashing pinpricks all over, then calm again, a quick fearful moment or three, just sitting there, wide, noting lots of observer thoughts and self images, then near the end that tension rising up the front of the face, twisting the mouth up, an emotion of despair at the same time, although mild and very little aversion seen, and the bell.

-near the end started to wonder what would happen if I just continued for hours and hours, if it was possible. Perhaps Thursday I will try and see what happens.

The fear, the twisting face, the despair... sounds like dukkha nanas to me...

yes whatever it is I've been through it hundreds of times...its starting to get old hat.

55 min 4F's...
sort of plain, calm, normal the whole time, not very much going on, some daydreams, then ~40 min in or so hit some energy rushing, tingles and less duality, lots of energy, then more calm, near the end got into more mouth twisting tension.
Felt to me that time like the noting has become a bit soft, need to tighten up the form I think, keep slipping into a sort of lazy noticing but progress seems to wane until I pick out some objects and slap that note on them, like observer thoughts. Had some episodes of the mind doing some second gear like it usually does at some point, coming up empty as always, seeing everything as anatta. Funny this stuff - The truth of reality turns out to be wilder and more mysterious than anything that could be put down on paper.

55 min mahasi/choiceless, sticking with rising and falling and sometimes running off to note chains of events like inadequacy thought/ambition/tension/tingling/vibration/rushing/tingling/etc...rising/falling. STarted out with tensions, had 3-4 rushing energetic events preceded by seeing some aspect of anatta or emptyness of observer, a number of episodes out of order of twisting mouth tension, once in the beginning, a few times later, about a ten minute period of what felt like low grade digust/nauseating energy in the body and openness/acceptance/mild joy near the end, Bell. GF walked in to join me half way through.

55 min mahasi/some MM and choiceless at times. Sort of floating between tensions, energy release and mouth twisting tension, calmer and calmer near the end but daydreamy and sort of drifting, hard to stay on rising and falling, mind wandering off. Having thoughts of wanting to do long sits, like 4 hours or something, if thats possible. May be a week or so before I get a chance to try that.

have been noticing off the cushion again that there is something special for me about the mahasi method - not sure why/how but after doing it off the cushion in a gentle way after a while the whole mind just clears up and I start to feel the area from the navel to the bottom of the breastbone in a way that is direct and somehow cuts off a certain amount of the flow of thinking, and the C's become far more evident. Also seems to be a reduction in hindrances as well - its like some running ego process gets interrupted by attention to the clear reality of the sensations down there, moreso than if I placed my attention elsewhere. Not sure if anyone else has experienced this?

90 min this AM, started mahasi switched to choiceless, Funny more up and down stuff maybe - seemed like tensions in the beginning, energy rush after a bit then calm, mouth twisting sadness and then losing steam and after a while another energy rush, rinse and repeat several times, thoughts of self judgement, more settling and simplicity near the end but many thoughts of failure and sadness. Investigating this belief that seems to wedge down there, belief that somehow I cant do it. Thoughts and sensations. Negative self images. Funny how this stuff keeps coming back, although each time it does so it seems to be easier to deal with.
note - switched to choiceless after a while because mahasi seemed to be holding me back somehow...

Hmm - 40 min choiceless. Had done some off cushion anapana and this noting sit was quite intense, tension initially, bubbly rushing energy, a few times then some wide open calm, very very still, then some random stuff I missed but very clearly then landed smack in full body vibratory pain/nausea, not much aversion, felt a shift to some kind of exaggerated despair, again a full body feel to it, then back to nausea, just being there with it, noting losing steam, near the end felt like I had gone back down to tensions/neck twisty stuff...

lately my noting has been very lazy, hard to keep a good rhythm and not very good concentration at all. Sort of makes me wonder if I might be oscillating around the 5th nana...

55 min choiceless noting, started out sort of plain, nothing relly going on, random tensions, thoughts, sounds, rising and falling, then rushing of energy/tingles twice, a few minutes apart, calm, stillness, unclear but then landed in mild nausea and unpleasant tingling energy all over, after a bit rising tension up the face twisting the mouth, a tension then rising up the very center of the head, painful and dissipating then 'plop' suddenly found myself in a wide open absorbed state, no duality or maybe almost none, lasted for not very long, maybe 10 seconds but not sure, then back to some mild nausea/tension/unpleasant tingling sensations then a choppy vibration in the core of the body, and the bell. Overall tone even with unpleasant stuff tends to be ho-hum, not really reacting much although there is always a faint sense of striving to achieve that needs to be noticed more.

55 min choiceless - again almost identical to the morning, sans the absorbed state. Think next time I do a 55 it will be 15/40 anapana/noting instead. Feels to me like the brain is getting mushy and unable to do the work well, feels like I am just bobbling up and down the arc, not pushing any kind of edge. Too bad the next retreat for me is a ways off.

brief -

3x30 min, first was noting , got up to about where I think 5th nana is and lost steam, mush-mind.
Second sit was pure anapana, has some short periods of 'lock-on',
Third sit was noting, even though ten minutes had elapsed the concentration of the second sit did its job and I clearly felt distinct shifts occuring from tensionland through energy rushing and quiet/calm then fear and the ~4Hz beat, a few other things - dont remember much but did get to a point very quickly where the mind was fairly clear, calm, and I was here in a simple way, thoughts not very sticky.

I'm really feeling this half samatha / half insight thing - seems to make all the difference for me right now.