MuMuWu's Practice Journal

Stick with it Mu, this stuff is just as important as the lighter stuff. You're on a ride, make sure not to miss anything.

Did you notice you were top contributor on here last week? You might not feel like it right now, but you're part of what makes this place great.

Mu I think you're in a class of your own as far as brilliance and compassion! It's a real pleasure getting to know you.

Thanks guys, you made things much easier to bear. I tried to sleep after my last post, spent a good time watching thoughts, feeling miserable for myself, lots of aches, bad aches in the head, lots of tension, etc. I kept reminding myself that this would pass and from time to time there came a brief calm and then I would feel the emotions come up again along with suitable thoughts.

I took a bath around 7 I noted pulses in my finger tips. I began to feel a bit better. I ate supper at this point. I then decided to meditate formally.

I set a timer for 10 minutes and did kasina practice to start. After about 2 minutes I got distracted by some thought, then the dog knocked the door open and came in, and eventually I found myself doing something at my computer and then was like "what?" and I went over and sat down again. I sat for probably 5 more minutes. I began feeling moisture and warmth (kind of icky) all over the skin and felt very warm inside as well, there was also uncomfortable pressure and overall I still felt kinda crappy, but I was feeling a lot more concentrated (which also emphasized certain bad feelings such as pressure but did make it more manageable emotionally.

I noted, paying particular attention to pulses. I remember the miserableness coming to an end after about 20 minutes of noting various thoughts, sensations and emotions mainly of a negative/uncomfortable nature. I was feeling somewhat sleepy at this point, but I felt much more equanimous.

I laid down with my dog. I tried doing witness practice and then slept. I awoke several times and fell back to sleep shortly after. Felt much more content when I woke up. I feel quite good now.

Welcome to heaven! I'm passing thru right now too

LOL

This would be an apt metaphor:

Amazing.

Hey mumu, It's great that you're being so honest with yourself and sharing it with us. Actually it's all quite recognizable to me. Noting helped me a lot through periods like these, not only to see the negative self-talk and somatics for what they are (not such a big deal as I'd sometimes believe) but also to see that they are not the only things that are going on. For example there's also "relaxation, warmth, music, walking" in between the "worrying, doubting, ...".
You're doing just fine!

Thanks Omni, yeah I noticed that. Occasionally I was still noting positive things in between and that really helped. Doing a bit of questioning of the thoughts helped too, especially with doing a meta practice directed at myself as per Owen's suggestion.

Before bed last night I sat for about a half hour and during the sitting I began to experience very pronounced, steady, somewhat fast pulsing in my lip. As I stayed with this the visual field started to strobe likewise. I noticed a cessation that was very clear and the after effect was quite pronounced in the way of being sort of out of it and feeling happy afterwards. There was a good bit going on in this sitting in the way of shifting pressures in the head (not very uncomfortable, more like energy symptoms I guess - forehead, middle of head, top of head, back of head). It was wonderful and today I woke up noticeably positive. I said to my girlfriend, "I feel really good this morning."

Not even an iota of nausea today!

Ha! Nice!

Hi Mumuwu!

You sure are one cool guy!

Quick update.

Been feeling great since Friday. Witness is once again easy and I seem to be able to move up and down the arc, clearly perceiving the motion up and down.

Again, still seem to be experiencing a bunch of stuff that has to do with pressure at the front of the head, crown, etc. after the 4 formless Jhanas.

Meeting with Kenneth tonight, I'd like to talk to him about this some more.

1/2 hour meeting with Kenneth.

I had mentioned that I have been feeling anxious whenever we have a meeting. I also mentioned that of the 4 foundations, I have the most trouble picking out mind states. I wondered if there was a connection between the two (anxiety and inability to sense emotions/mind states).

Kenneth suggested we do that in real time (note mind states). He started and then he passed the baton over to me.

Initially I was just noting anxiety, then began to note dullness, impatience, aversion, anxiety, anxiety, searching, dullness, anxiety, etc.

The anxiety began to deepen, it was eventually replaced with sadness. I began to weep momentarily as I noted it.

I noted some more searching and dullness, but eventually began to note joy and relief amongst the searching and dullness. I actually felt like laughing a few times.

Still was noting anxiety occasionally.

This will be the main focus of my practice for the next couple of weeks.


THANK YOU KENNETH!

Thank you, Mu, for having the courage to look your own mind square in the face without flinching. This is the way forward!

Been noting mindstates throughout the day (out loud when possible). This feels so freeing. I am feeling a lot (A LOT) more joy today then I have had in a while. I am seeing (I think) how I had just tuned out my emotional life a lot of the time, probably as an escape from anxiety. I feel very open today, and I think by being open emotionally, I am reacting less to things that threaten me on that level. Driving around today there were a couple of things I may have gotten mad at before but I was noting on the level of mindstates so it never really got beyond annoyance.

I also seem to be a lot more tuned into other people, probably because I am not closing off emotionally, so conversations are more in depth and I am enjoying the interaction a lot more.

This is really something else. Initially I seem to note a lot of anxiety which eventually brings up feelings of sadness and then relief and joy. It seems like things can change really fast and I can go from hate to sadness to joy to annoyance to aversion to searching to joy very quickly. Things can also be complex with several things going on at once, almost like a layer of sadness masked by a layer of anxiety (like fresh water floating on salt water). After spending some time walking around down town with my girlfriend and dog I feel a lot of Metta, Karuna, Mudita, and Upekkha! Today I really love the world despite it's faults (or perhaps because of them).

Just did a 20 minute walk at lunch (at work).

Noted mind states out loud

Noted mainly negative mind states
-fear, aversion, anxiety, anger, resentment, blank, searching, annoyed, doubt, self loathing, etc.

Noted occasional postive mind states
-bird tweeted which lead to joy, pleasure, interest, and then quickly faded to anxiety
-relief, ease, openness, happiness

Noticed that I was occasionally spacing out, getting lost on a train of thought much more than if I was noting something more concrete. I think this avoidance of this practice on some level.

Felt much better during second half of walk, noted many more positives on the way back although at first there was a lot of aversion and such to going back to work

During the last couple of minutes I did the nose pinch trick and got a feel for first Jhana and then rose up with it to the highest Jhana I could (I think 8th). After 8th, pressure developed in the forehead. I started noting mind states again, predominantly positive as I made my way back to the office.

Good stuff. I think this is definitely what I need to be doing at this point.

Hey Mu,
Sounds good. Where specifically in the forehead was the pressure? Was it 3rd eye on the surface or a bit further back, like a focus point to which your mind wants to gravitate?

Owen,

It is in the third eye area, it seems a bit deeper than the forehead. The mind very much likes it as well. It seems to eventually move to the top of the head and has a similar feel there as well.

I usually feel some pressure in the face below it for a while (after 8th) and then it moves up there like a hard ball almost and gathers there.

"Owen,

It is in the third eye area, it seems a bit deeper than the forehead. The mind very much likes it as well. It seems to eventually move to the top of the head and has a similar feel there as well.

I usually feel some pressure in the face below it for a while (after 8th) and then it moves up there like a hard ball almost and gathers there.

"

Cool. The mind seems to want to swirl around or focus on one spot deep in the forehead in the 8th jhana. I notice it about 1 inch back from the surface.

So... what happens when the focus moves to the top of the head? Anything after that, or do you start descending the arc back into nothingness?

Seems to go forehead area -> Top of head - > both (emphasis seems to be on forehead first, then maybe back of head) - > neither then this scenario plays out in reverse then back down the rest of the arc.

Top of the head huh? Good times.

Yeah, toward the back/top. I'll do a better description of it at some point.

Right now I'm quite shocked at how well I am handling what is by far the busiest/should be most stressful day of work in a long time. I feel quite unperturbed. I wonder if it has anything to do with that walk at lunch...

Noting is the best

"Yeah, toward the back/top. I'll do a better description of it at some point.

Right now I'm quite shocked at how well I am handling what is by far the busiest/should be most stressful day of work in a long time. I feel quite unperturbed. I wonder if it has anything to do with that walk at lunch...

Noting is the best "

Half of my practice was a 45 minute twice daily walking commute, noting everything that came up in my awareness. I am convinced that's why I moved through the paths as fast as I did. BTW, be careful with playing with arupa jhanas during walking meditation. I have a habit of running into things.

I also noticed stuff around the top of the head in the sits before I was able to get PL 1. Quick question, when you are in that state, what would it feel like if your body were suddenly very light and floaty?

Owen, I definitely need to get the walking practice going again. I meditated while walking all last summer (daily 45 minute walk).

When in the state in question I am quite aware of the body and it feels like a very functional state. But, it's different in that when I let it go and come back down through the Jhanas I notice a lot more negative sensations and things coming back on in layers. So, though I am aware of the body and such in that place, it's not uncomfortable, for example, like it is when I am normally out walking around. The attention feels wide like 4th Jhana.

I'm not quite sure how to approach the question about the light and floaty body. I'm sure it would be a positive experience.

So do you go from 8th jhana where the body is almost gone from awareness suddenly to a new state that is body focused? When I go from 8 to 9 it's like I whoosh up through the top of my head, notice some 3rd eye tingling and feelings of intense gratitude. Also, the body comes back into view.

But the 8th jhana is very much _not_ body focused, the mind has tuned that out. It's almost like the mind is looking away from everything, even nothingness, even itself.

Exactly, the body becomes prevalent again and I also feel much more aware. In 8th the mind seems to want go out to things but never register them, so it's a very blank weird place but it has some odd movement to it.

The energy is felt gathering and then moving up to the third eye area and then that eventually moves up to the top of the head. This process seems to reverse on the way back down. It doesn't seem to have that intense of an emotional content, but it is definitely a positive state.