Giulio B. re-start

"The whole thing was particularly uncomfortable, and after 5 minutes I thought "this is useless" so I gave up and went straight to bed. I still have to sort out what do to in those cases..." -GiulioB

This is a problem that vipassana is uniquely qualified to solve, Giulio, and why vipassana is the practice you should be emphasizing over samatha. The trick is to make "the problem" into the object. When you think "this is useless," find the associated mind state and note it. Is it frustration? Note it. Despair? Note it. Anger? Note it. Injustice? Note it. World-weariness? Note it. Become the world's foremost authority on your own mind states. Find out which body sensations are associated with which mind states. Write it down, make a catalog. You may find that interest, curiosity, and a sense of purpose begin to replace the frustration. You have a project now, and you can succeed at this project of understanding and cataloging your mind states. Later on, you may become a teacher and help others unlock their own minds.

As you deconstruct the mind states into their constituent parts, you may find that the mind states become less like scary monsters and more like waves. Unpleasant, yes, at times, but tolerable... and always impermanent, discontinuous, ephemeral. Don't expect to always be able to banish unpleasant mind states in this way and say goodbye to them forever... that's not the point. But you can get a wedge in, a way to be OK with whatever happens. This is one of the main benefits of this practice and it is available to you if you keep at it and make a priority of noting at the exact moment when you most feel like giving up; the desire to give up is itself a mind state that can be noted. Good luck! Keep us posted.

Thanks!!!!!

Sat with the plan of going through everything for that bunch of minutes. The unpleasant sensations were similar to those of yesterday evening but the reactions (i think) to them have been milder. During the concentration part there has been a sort of shift in perception concerning my trunk, where it felt like 'one piece', and its mechanical movements became a little clearer from that point. During the noting part another similar perception, it felt like being on a space shuttle launching. It's quality (speed, precision) perhaps varied in cycles... went up and down to a point where the thoughts were: "noting has degraded to a point it won't recover for this evening", "frustration", etc. but then i just started to note again speeding up and then down again. I could spot fear concerning my throat.

I'm continuing with the "evening package", 15 minutes of concentration and 15 of noting, as a constitution or a statute of some sort, it can't be changed (i'd lose a precious fixed point). The extras are up to me.

KF: "You may find that interest, curiosity, and a sense of purpose begin to replace the frustration"

I already suspected this would happen as a first waypoint, it's good to hear it from an external source...
An evening of months ago I have started a classification of emotions (all of which, in it, stem from a sort of movement towards or away with respect to an object) which is completely different from any classification I've read before. I'm saying this just to boost my self-esteem.

"went up and down to a point where the thoughts were: "noting has degraded to a point it won't recover for this evening", "frustration", etc. but then i just started to note again speeding up and then down again. I could spot fear concerning my throat." -GiulioB.

Yes! I believe you are beginning to let this in, Giulio. You see, it simply isn't possible for noting to degrade to a point to a point where it won't recover... unless you believe that there is some particular experience that you must have in order to note... which would be a mistaken understanding of the noting instructions! No one said anything about noting when it feels good and stopping when it feels bad. The instruction is to note whatever arises, good, bad, or indifferent.

With this latest entry, you seem to be internalizing the correct interpretation of the instructions. So keep on in this way! Think in terms of co-opting your enemies. If you find yourself about to abandon a noting session, find out which mind state or sensation you are experiencing *in this moment* and note it. Don't miss anxiety, frustration, despair, rage, aversion, hatred, self-loathing, or annoyance. All of those are mind states! They are only a problem when the lurk in the background, coloring your experience without themselves being seen as simply more experience, without any special status whatsoever. Don't let them sneak by. Put them "in the hopper" and they will immediately become nuclear fuel to power your awakening. Keep on keepin' on, Giulio. This is the way to freedom in the long run. In the short run, just keep noting. And keep posting.

Way to go Giulio! Good to see you back.

Thank you.

The last report was 12 days ago. It happened that the frequency of med. (full name sounds bad) has been 1 out of 2/3 days on average until two days ago, due to a big drop in motivation. I basically played chess and surfed the Internet in place. I'm just puzzled about the whole thing of motivation, or the priority scale, why it shifts so much and is so out of hand, who is who when, and how the most mature part of me can guide the others, in a way that is super-tricky. Since yesterday it is flowing again. Yesterday i had an unusually good concentration, but noting was of bad quality. This night concentration was bad (also because of a full stomach) and noting was good. I had again a perceptual distorsion about my body, which was funny, i tried to note through it. Since it's the n-th time it happens i think it has probably started a new cycle of motivation-up that will last a few days to 7-10 days.

Glad to see you are sticking with it. In time (for me it was some months of regular practice, even when I didn't want to) the motivation gains its own momentum.

Thanks gira. There's often a little embarrassment to write here but, i should remember than i'm doing this for me.
As usual things proceed in a way i start, put-out and then restart the fire. A (superficial?) layer of interest is always as high as it could be, but it is fueled by desire to escape, so the latter sometimes switches its means to discharge. Last report was 9 days ago, during this period the practice package (15 samatha + 15 choiceless noting) have been distributed so: 1 1 1 0 0 2 (double) 0.5 (half) 0 0
Today the fire is meditation-directed so this evening and tomorrow's there's going to be a hit (or two) each. For tuesday... basing on experience, sadly i must admit i have no control of what will happen tuesday.
Thanks again for hosting me here, for everything.

thanks for posting. this spurs me to remember my promise also to post...

Thank you Jackyie... I hope to see you updating your journal sooner or later...

Yesterday done nothing. Idc, there was a heavy attractor for the discharging of tension.

Today done both counting and noting. As a self-something decision I decide that there will be no more gaps in daily practice until the day of my death. Thus has been said!

Starting from the day after my last post (20 Nov.) my house has gone through a radical renovation, which was mostly unpredicted in the extent, and I decided to stop to follow and work everything out... the most amazing outcome is that I managed to fully empty a room. As useless as it could be in practical terms, i love the idea of having a "vipassana&co -only" room. I took It from Thich Nhat Hanh, who talked about the benefits of having a "Breathing room" in your house, if affordable.

Until the place doesn't get cleared up, which I think will be in 7 to 10 days, I have an excuse to abstain from terryifing practices.

I have just moved to a new apartment and am slowly putting together a proper meditation zone in an extra room. I haven't ever had one, and I am really looking forward to it.