Marc's practice notes

Yesterday morning I sat for 50 minutes. It was a difficult sit, with a lot of aversion and impatience.

This morning I sat a bit longer than 50 minutes. At first, there were many thoughts and a lot of itches. After 5 to 10 minutes there was a tingling wave through my upper body, and I saw some flickering light. I noticed surprise and relief. Then noting became more difficult, and I noticed coolness in my hands. After a few minutes I noticed some planning thoughts. Then I noticed tension in my stomach and worrying thoughts. Not long after that there was some remembering, sadness, regret, a bit of nausea (could have been because I hadn't eaten yet), mapping thoughts, tension in my chest, self-judgments, doubt, confusion. Then my mind seemed to get more chaotic, and there was fear, aversion, regret, waiting, impatience, pain in my back and tension. Then all of a sudden I noticed that there was no aversion anymore, and I just observed everything in a kind of detached way. Gradually a feeling of calm and peace became dominant. I saw some mild and fine strobing, and when there was tension in my stomach or chest, I noticed that it wasn't solid, but sort of vibrating. Now and then there was some fine tingling. After about 10 minutes I noticed some boredom and impatience. I checked the timer, but stayed on the cushion. After that I stopped noting, and the vibrating became more noticeable. I spaced out a few times and there were some meandering thoughts, so I said to myself: I wonder what my next thought will be. This seemed to help a bit, as my mind I didn't really wander off anymore. Eventually I noticed boredom and impatience again, as well as some restlessness, and I decided to get up.

Thursday I didn't meditate at all, and yesterday morning I sat for 45 minutes.
This morning I sat for 60 minutes. First I counted my breath for 5 minutes, and then I started noting. In the beginning there were a lot of thoughts and itches, and after about 10 minutes there was a mild tingling wave. Then my concentration became much weaker andI wandered off a few times. There was some heaviness. Then some worrying, remembering thoughts, regret, sadness, impatience. Then everything became a bit overwhelming, there was a lot of aversion, restlessness, discomfort and waiting. Then all of a sudden it all seemed more bearable, and nothing much was happening. There was some boredom and still a bit of impatience, I didn't feel concentrated at all, and I spaced out many times. I noticed impatience and urges to get up, checked the timer, and saw that I had 15 minutes left. I decided to change my position. My new position was very passive, and the remaining time I noted half-heartedly and spaced out most of the time.

Try noting aloud, Marc. It's impossible to space out when you are noting aloud. This can save you a lot of years. If possible, note aloud with a partner, ping pong style. If no partner is available, try noting into a recorder, about once a second. This will keep you on task. Worrying, impatience, boredom, aversion, etc. are great things to note; co-opt your enemies and turn them into allies in your awakening.

Keep going. Your diligence will pay dividends beyond imaging.

Kenneth

Thanks for the advice, Kenneth! I just had a Skype chat with Ron, and he suggested me to try noting out loud whenever I'm spacing out, so I'll try doing that. We also did some ping pong noting, which was fun (first time for me).

I just sat for 60 minutes. Yesterday Ron advised me to do 15-20 minutes of concentration meditation at the beginning of each sit, so I did that. I felt pretty concentrated, although I lost count several times. After this, I started noting. In the beginning there was a lot of pressure, tension, pain in my back, some itches, and a lot of thoughts, mainly remembering and planning. After 5-10 minutes, there was a tingling wave, and I noticed mapping thoughts. Then noting became more difficult, and I felt less concentrated. Then there was some anxiety, along with worrying thoughts. The rest of the sit there was a lot of restlessness, impatience, aversion, tension, pressure, doubt and confusion. Near the end I noticed some back ache, and I changed my position.
About 3 times I noticed mysels starting to space out, so I noted out loud to pull myself out of it. This helped each time, and then I switched to silent noting again.
I think I've lost some momentum last week. I sat less often and was pretty stressed. I'll try to sit twice a day again, and do more concentration practice at the beginning of each sit.

I just sat for almost 60 minutes. First counted my breath for about 15 minutes: forgot to count several times, but eventually got pretty concentrated. Just before I stopped counting my breath, there was some quite pleasant tingling.
I started noting and again there was a tingling wave, and I saw some light. Then I noticed coolness, pressure, and slowing down. Then I noticed anxiety, worrying thoughts and tension in my stomach. Then some remembering thoughts, sadness, regret, guilt.
The last 20 minutes or so there was a lot of aversion, restlessness, impatience. I stretched my arms a few times, hoping that the restlessness would subside, but it became even more intense.

Can you note the restlessness, impatience and aversion?

Yes, I do note these emotions, but somehow they've got a pretty firm grip on me, and at the same time I kind of resist them (because, paradoxically, I want to be more 'equanimous'...). Perhaps I can try to be more accepting of these 'undesirable' sensations.

Yesterday I meditated twice: 30 and 35 minutes. The first sit was very difficult, but in the second sit I went up to my cutting edge pretty fast.
This morning I sat for 50 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for about 15 minutes. Then I started noting, and pretty soon there were tingling sensations through my upper body, and I saw moving lights. Then I noticed coolness, my body felt heavy and my noting slowed down and became less accurate. Then I noticed some anxiety, pressure in my stomach, and a bit of excitement. After some time I noticed remembering thoughts and sadness. Then fantasizing thoughts, annoyance, anger, disgust. The last 10 minutes my body felt very restless, there were a lot of difficult emotions, aversion, impatience, mapping thoughts. At the end there was some more calm, but that didn't last long, and all the aversion, impatience etc was back again. Then I decided to get up.

Last night I sat 35 minutes.
This morning I meditated for 60 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for 10-15 minutes. When I started noting, pretty soon there were some tingling waves, and then I noticed coolness in my arms and hands, slowing down, and noting became more difficult. Then there was some anxiety and tension. After that there was a lot of aversion, impatience, annoyance, sadness, and more difficult mind states. I did succed in disembedding from all these sensations most of the time, and after about 10 minutes I noticed calm and rest, which gradually became stronger. My mind became more still, and then I noticed vibrations through my body. Whenever tension would arise, it seemed to dissolve into vibrations. Meditating felt much more effortless. After about 15 minutes I noticed increasing boredom, and impatience, aversion, restlessness. I checked the timer and saw that there were 5 minutes left. Despite the intense aversion and impatience I waited until the bell rang.

I just sat for 40 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for about 10 minutes. I felt pretty concentrated and I switched to noting. Then there was some tingling, and I saw some light. Then I noticed coolness, slowing down, waiting. Then some anxiety and tension in my stomach. After that there was some nausea, a lot of aversion, impatience, restlessness, urges to get up. It was difficult to disembed from this, and eventually I just gave up. Feeling pretty disappointed in myself right now.

Marc, how closely are you looking at all of the "negative" sensations? The reason I ask is that disembeding happens (paradoxically) by creating distance and/or eliminating distance. So sometimes the approach that works is to sit back and observe objectively, as if you are removed from the situation. Other times, actually going into the sensations and feeling it very closely (allowing that full experience) is how you disembed.

Negative sensations in particular have a kind of "purification" experience when they are felt very closely. In fact, in every situtation that I can personally think of, the flow of negative sensations also contains "releases". These releases are easily overlooked, but they sort of create the possibility of disembeding.

A more cliched way of saying this is "the only way around is through", except meditators are usually better able to see why this is true. The way through occurs at a very fine scale. Moment by moment negative sensations are impermanent and are ultimately purifying.

So if you can simply disembed by creating distance, that's good. Folks that don't at least try this are being an unnecessary martyr. No need to suffer needlessly. But if that doesn't work, usually you need to fully experience the suffering like a martyr to get past certain stages.

Treat it like an experiment and be good to yourself. Don't get locked into one approach or the other, but test them out. It really is a paradox, both approaches are valid. Eventually you get an instinct on when one or the other is the more direct approach, and eventually the difference between the two approaches doesn't seem so big, more like a subtle nuance.

Thanks for the pointers, betawave!

This morning (and in most of my sits lately) I mostly wanted the 'negative' emotions to go away, and I tried to reach that goal by noting them and trying to create distance. Now that I look back at it, that doesn't seem like a very effective approach. I think it's best at this point in my practice to feel these sensations very closely and allow them to be as they are, as you suggest.

There's a lot of stuff to examine for me in your post, so I'll re-read it the next couple of days, and try to play with it in my meditation.

I just sat just over 50 minutes.
First I counted my breath for about 5 minutes. My concentration seemed pretty strong, and after 5 minutes I followed my breath without counting for another 5 minutes. While I was doing that, I noticed very pleasant tingling sensations and flickering light.
When I switched to noting, there was some cool tingling, which also felt pleasant, but in a different way. My concentration seemed to get a bit weaker. Not long after that I noticed planning thoughts, anxiety and tension in my stomach. Then there were some remembering thoughts, regret, jealousy and sadness. Also some tension in the area between my stomach and chest. After a few minutes I noticed some annoyance and judging thoughts. Then there was a diffuse tension on the surface of my skin, which felt unpleasant, and a lot of thoughts, a bit of aversion and impatience.
Then it seemed like the distance between me and all these sensations got bigger. It felt a bit like a helicopter view. Difficult sensations didn't bother me, and there was a growing sense of calm and rest. The next 15 minutes I noticed a lot of vibrating sensations. All body sensations had a very fine vibrational quality. I also noticed that all sensations happened on their own, even moving my fingers or sniffing was seen as conditioned by other sensations. At one moment I heard a sound and instead of just noticing the sound, I became very aware of how the sound was processed by my mind.
Eventually I noticed some boredom, and a growing feeling of impatience, aversion and restlessness. I tried to stay aware of these sensations, and after about 5 minutes I got up.

Last night I had a 20 minute sit, to keep the momentum. I just sat for 60 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for 10 minutes. At the end of that there was some intense tingling, along with flickering light. When I started noting, I noticed some cool tingling. Noting accurately was a bit difficult. Then some worrying thoughts and tension in my stomach. The next 30 minutes were filled with aversion, desire to stop, impatience, feeling sorry for myself, difficulty with noting, etc. Eventually I stretched my arms and checked the timer, to find out that I had 15 minutes left. I noted disappointment and aversion, and I changed my position. After about 5 minutes there was a lot less aversion, and the chaos in my mind subsided. There was more calm, and for the rest of the sit, I just sat, and nothing much happened.

Last night I sat 40 minutes. I went to my cutting edge (low equanimity) pretty quickly. In my morning sits it takes a lot more time to get to equanimity. Sometimes I don't even get past re-observation (like yesterday morning).
This morning I sat for 60 minutes. I concentrated on my breath for about 15 minutes. Just before switching to noting, there were tingling sensations through my body. I started noting, and there was a lot of thinking, itches and tension. After a while there was a tingling wave, and after that there was some coolness and I felt less concentrated. Then I noticed some worrying thoughts and anxiety. after a few minutes there was some sadness and melancholia, followed by repulsion, annoyance and judging thoughts. After a while things started to get pretty chaotic: there a lot of restless energy in the back of my head, I noticed anxiety, anger, nausea, pain in my back, impatience, and a lot of resistance and aversion. My body felt very restless and there was a pretty constant urge to change my position or to get up. I tried to feel all these sensations closely, without creating distance, but then I felt overwhelmed by all of it. It pretty much stayed like this until the timer went off. I noticed relief and disappointment.

Hang in there!

You might want to play with your pattern a little. Still make sure you resolve to sit the whole sit, but sit a little shorter and a little longer. Even sitting for 59 or 61 minutes can shake things up.

I'm reminded of an Ajahn Chah story where he was feeling sleepy from the heat. (tropical thailand) and at some point he got so fed up with the pattern that he put on all of his clothes and sat in a hot room. Basically, he was telling his mind it wouldn't be able to run from itself.

Only to be used in small doses! But it can be fun to challenge yourself at times.

Heh, I'm re-reading my advice and it strikes me a little funny.... oh well, take it for what it's worth. The main thing is you are doing great and eventually things will break open. Just remember that big insights can come in the midst of less-than perfect sits, so don't get discouraged. If you sit for the allotted time, you're doing fine. No such thing as a bad sit.

Thanks for the encouragement! There has been a lot of doubt about my practice lately, so it helps to hear that.
Last night I meditated for 30 minutes. I went up to re-observation relatively quickly, but stayed there, feeling pretty frustated.
This morning I sat for 50 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for 10-15 minutes. My concentration was quite strong, and just before I started noting, there were pleasant tingling sensations, and flickering light. I started noting and there was some cool tingling, and I felt less concentrated. Then there were some worrying thoughts and tension in my stomach. After a while I noticed some regret and sadness. Then more thoughts, especially remembering thoughts, and a horror-like image, which made me feel disgusted. I also noticed interpreting and mapping thoughts. Then it seemed like my mind was flooded by negative emotions, my body became restless, I noticed itches, there was more pain in my back, and I noticed aversion, frustration and impatience. Somehow I did manage to accept all this, and I didn't get too overwhelmed by everything. Eventually I noticed that the negative emotions disappeared, and there was a growing distance between me and the restlessness and pain in my body. Gradually the pain disappeared and I noticed relief and mapping thoughts. I noticed that my mind wandered a bit, so I noted out loud for a while. There were tingling vibrations through my body, but other than that, there weasn't much going on. I noticed some boredom and doubt, and after about 10 minutes I noticed that the itches and back ache returned, and there was some restlessness and impatience again. Then I decided to get up, 10 minutes before the timer would have gone off. I'll try to sit a full hour again tomorrow morning.

Last night I sat for 30 minutes, but I didn't have the patience to sit long enough to get to my cutting edge.
This morning I sat for 65 minutes. I started out with concentration on my breath for 15-20 minutes. First I counted my breath, and then I just followed it. I noticed that my concentration was still very poor, so I began counting again. After that I noticed a bit of tingling, and not long after that I started noting. Then there was more tingling through my upper body. It was quite intense and pleasant. Then the tingling became very cool, which was also pleasant. Noting became more difficult. After a few minutes there was a very intense chaotic feeling in my mind. It felt mostly unpleasant, but also exciting. There was some anxiety. After that I noticed some sadness and remembering thoughts. I'm not sure what happened after that, but after a while I heard some sounds, and noticed recognition and a lot of annoyance and anger. Then I noticed pressure in my right leg, which became more intense and turned into pain. There was resistance, impatience, tension, hoping, mapping thoughts, and restlessness. Then the resistance dropped away and I just watched all these sensations. I felt very calm and everything felt okay. The pain in my leg started vibrating, but eventually I did move my leg a bit, and the pressure and pain disappeared. I noticed vibrations through my body, and when tension or pressure arose, I noticed that it was vibrating. I also noticed curiosity, mapping thoughts and investigation. Noticing sensations felt more effortless than before, and I just followed whatever presented itself. Then the timer went off, and after 5 minutes I got up.

I sat for 70 minutes before dinner. First I tried to concentrate on my breath for about 15 minutes. My mind was very scattered while I was counting my breath, and I had to start over several times. Eventually I got a bit more concentrated, and I experienced some tingling sensations. I switched to noting and noticed coolness and slowing down.
The next 30 minutes or so was very difficult and physically painful (the sit was a few hours ago, so I don't remember a lot of details). At a certain point I almost gave up, but I managed to stay on the cushion, and tried to be as accepting as possible. Eventually this payd off and the pain and resistance gradually dropped away. I noticed a lot of vibrations thorugh my entire body, and I noticed relief, excitement, curiosity, investigation and doubt. I kept noting for a while, but eventually stopped noting, because it got a bit in the way. I didn't space out or wander off. Eventually my wife knocked on the door, because dinner was ready, so I didn't have time to write a report (that's why this one isn't very detailed). I felt very calm and a bit slow after I got up.

Sticking with it when it is no fun and going through it with acceptance - wonderful! You are doing really well - keep it up!

I just sat for 75 minutes.
First I concentrated on my breath for about 15 minutes. My concentration was pretty strong and I switched to noting.
There was a lot of physical discomfort: restlessness, pain in my back, annoying itches. Also a lot of remembering and planning thoughts, impatience and aversion. Eventually there was a tingling wave through my upper body, which happened unusually late. Then some cool tingling, and my mind seemed to slow down. What happened after that is a bit blurry in my memory, but I still remember there was a lot of worrying, remembering thoughts, melancholia, regret, annoyance, judging thoughts, anger, restlessness, pain in my back, impatience and aversion. After a while all this subsided a bit, and then the timer went off. I stayed on the cushion, and the next 15 minutes I noticed a lot of vibrating, some curiosity, doubt about what to do, relaxing, relief and some mapping thoughts. Then there was boredom, and a growing restlessness, so I got up.

Last night I meditated for 60 minutes.

This morning I sat for 80 minutes. As usual, first I concentrated on my breath, for about 15 minutes. I didn't feel very concentrated, but decided to switch to noting anyway. I noticed a lot of remembering, fantasizing and planning thoughts. There was some pain in my back, restlessness and impatience. Sfter a pretty long time there was a pleasant tingling wave through my upper body, followed by some more cool tingling. After a while there was some worrying, and I noticed tension and feeling stressed. After that there were a lot of remembering and fantasizing thoughts, some anxiety, dissatisfaction, impatience, restlessness, back aches, itches, and doubts about my practice. Then I noticed that all of a sudden my mind felt kind of empty, compared to a few moments before that. I noticed relief, joy, mapping thoughts, calm, space, and doubt. I started noting out loud. Gradually I started to notice my body sensations vibrating. I noticed curiosity, investigation, remembering advices about meditating, doubt, boredom, contentment, pressure and warmth. After about 20 minutes in this 'state' I started to notice more boredom, restlessness, aches and itches. I waited another 5 minutes and then I got up.
I feel a bit spaced out and very relaxed right now, so it's a bit difficult to accurately describe this sit, especially the last part.

Last night I sat for only 15 minutes, and this morning I sat for 55 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath. I felt fairly concentrated and after about 15 minutes I switched to noting. There was a lot of thinking, impatience, some itches and back aches. After a while I noticed a very short and mild tingling feeling through my upper body. Then there was doubt about and thinking about the maps. After a few minutes I decided to note out loud. There was some anxiety, remembering thoughts, regrets, annoyance, jusging thoughts, shame, guilt, disgust, pain, itches, and a lot of aversion and restlessness. I stretched my arms and 10 minutes before I got up, I changed my position.
It was a very difficult sit, probably because I didn't really succeed in disembedding from all the aversion and resistance.