Andy's practice journal

So, after having seemingly cycled several times through familiar territory, I re-read 'The Yogi Toolbox: The Benefits of Noting,' on the Hamilton Project.
( thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/04/...efits-of-noting.html )

I was surprised that Nick had added my comments on noting to the testimonies. I was even more surprised by how much I'd fallen away from some good habits on noting.

I also re-read 'The Yogi Toolbox: Detailed Noting'
( thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/02/...detailed-noting.html )

I ended up making a few changes to my noting, by going back to things I used to do but somehow have fallen away from. Mostly, I slowed down noting, trying hard to notice as much about each sensation as I could. I also moved back to using out-loud noting whenever I found myself drifting (which seems to happen a lot to me). The out-loud noting will provide me the feedback I need when I'm not paying attention to what's happening now.

Then, I re-read 'The Progress of Insight,' by Mahasi Sayadaw.
( www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/mahasi/progress.html )
Seems good for me to go back to original sources.

We'll see what happens.

Thursday, 2/23

Woke up again feeling like I didn't get enough sleep, and was still having a subtle 10hz vibration in my chest. The noting on the drive in was difficult to sustain, and I kept drifting away in thought. I couldn't really note mindstates or thoughts, and even vedana was difficult, so I stayed with body sensations.

However, my motivation was up a little bit at work, but I still had vaguely unpleasant energy sensations in the morning. I didn't sit at lunch, but my motivation, energy, concentration all increased and were pretty strong by the end of the day. I'm still having some pressure in my head, and am getting off track at times, but it's better than the last few days.

I did slow noting on the ride home, which brought up confusion initially. This settled down into calmness, peace, and a pleasant body glow, though.

Later, I lay in bed, noting slowly and precisely, while listening to traffic noises, clocks ticking, the feel of my body on the bed, my family moving around and talking. 35 minutes went by very quickly. Very pleasant, very peaceful, very non-goal oriented. Lots of concentration, with long mental silences.

Monday, 2/28

So, after having gone back and taken another look at my noting practice, I'm now finding that there were gaps. Specifically, I'd been getting embedded in noting mindstates and thoughts, and had also been heavily oriented to body sensations (which were the easiest to note).

Now, after re-reading a number of posts and articles, and making some simple changes, I'm finding that mindstates are coming along very nicely. More interestingly, they seem to be clearly separate from both vedana and thoughts, something that always seemed like a mixed up bag '˜o crap. Which it actually was.

Mumuwu's comments in a thread started by GuilioB were helpful in sorting out the differences between the two:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/48...+questions+on+noting ...

Noting more cleanly, precisely, and accurately doesn't go as fast as the noting I'd been doing, but the noting I'd been doing wasn't helping me clearly see all the stuff I needed to see. I still seem to be progressing through the nyanas, so maybe it's fast enough.

However, noting still stops when I get into dreaminess, and picks back up on it's own when clarity returns. Out-loud noting helps a little, but doesn't seem to eliminate the problem. I've been doing extra work with concentration to see if that makes a difference.

2/29 Tuesday

I came down with a sinus infection early last week, apparently. I didn't realize it until Sunday. The physical sensations of the infection seem to be similar to some Dark Night sensations. Nice.

Today's lunch sit was very energetic, with lots of focus. My body felt very energetic, and I was watching sensation in (mostly) a continuous flow. My eyes started twitching very regularly if I raised them even slightly upward. The twitching/flashing got very regular, but nothing ended up coming of it. Later in the afternoon, however, bliss grew and grew, and by the time I started on my way home, it was almost sickeningly strong. My concentration was very strong as well, and it only took a few breaths to lock onto the breath, or only a few steps to lock onto the soles of my feet. The bliss faded by later in the evening, but the concentration seemed to stay high.

Monday, 3/5
Been sick over the last week. First a sinus infection, then the flu. '˜Nuff said about that. Sat every day, even though it was only 15 minute on that one particular day. Didn't feel like writing up any practice notes.

One thing seems to have changed over this past week: I can now clearly see the difference between when I want to eat because I feel hunger sensations, vs. when I just want to eat. It seems so OBVIOUS now. Hopefully should be helpful in changing my behavior so that I eat only when I'm actually hungry.

Anyway, all of the talk in fr. Jackha's thread about 'Do Nothing' got me interested in trying 'Do Nothing' again. So, I sat and did nothing at lunch. I seemed to get concentrated quickly enough, and then moved into dreaminess, and occasionally found myself back in clarity with eyelid lights flaring up briefly, then back to dreaminess/spaciness. As time went on, the spaciness seemed to predominate. Found it very hard to note when I was spacy and dreamy.

So, I ended up in the same state as if I had gotten there with noting. If I'm going to end up in the same place, then doing nothing seems a whole lot easier than expending effort to note.

Haven't felt much motivation to write recently. I'm still sitting, though, and managed to get 3+ hrs. of practice in yesterday.

There are variations, but most formal sits have been similar lately: I close my eyes and start noting, (or I don't note, doesn't seem to matter most times) and then fairly quickly the restlessness settles down, general tingling builds, then some strong itches might come up and stay. At some point I'll have strong, obvious energy sensations. Later, the tingling smooths out and gets fine. I might get some more itches, and then dreaminess sets in. All this may take as long as 15-20 minutes. Then, I usually cycle from dreaminess to clarity for a while.

At some point (30-40 minutes), the dreaminess fades, things get clearer, and I pass into a solid-feeling state that slowly deepens. The state is pleasant, calm, peaceful, equanimous, no hurries, no worries, and time passes quickly. Occasionally, I'll make slow passes through bliss in this state. If I stay with this long enough, I'll start slowly getting dreaminess again until the end of the sit. Nothing else happens once I get to this state. Occasionally, most often if I 'Do Nothing' from the start, I'll start in this state and continue it through out the sit.

Other stuff: working on on concentration with a kasina seems to bring about strong sleepiness after about 10 minutes or so. I keep at it, but I'm not sure how much good it's actually doing when my eyes close on their own.

The last few nights I've woken up with some fairly disgusting dreams, and my neck pain and stiffness (which started in early January), has gotten slowly worse over the last month. I'm also feeling less motivation at home and work, and some frustration from not really understanding where I'm at, and from wanting to get yet another path. The urges to comfort myself with food and distractions are harder to resist.

[edited to improve description of the stable state]

What's new:
I've been doing more Mahasi-style noting, since I'm finding that it's easier to note in this style off-cushion. Also, the crankiness and lack of motivation seems to be abating a bit, but it's hard to tell if this has anything to do with meditation. My neck pain and stiffness seems to be fading back a bit, too

On the cushion, I seem to head for sleepiness, even when I get plenty of sleep. Sometimes, though, the sleepiness will fade, and I'll get to a calm, peaceful, state that's very easy to stay in. This will occasionally get dreamy/spacey. Occasionally, I'll have a fruition that will kick me back to clarity and will sometimes produce a barely noticeable bliss wave.

Here's something unusual though:
On Saturday morning, I had a sit that felt very much like review: up to equanimity, spaciness, then a sudden transition to clarity, eyelid lights, and a bliss wave. This happened over and over, maybe 10-15 times. I felt a bit blissed out after the sit, but this soon passed. Nothing else seems to indicate a new path, so this may be yet another 12th path cycle.

Monday, 3/12

Over the last few days, I've noticed that one-pointed concentration seems more solid, and most of the time, if I breath out slowly, it generates tingling and pleasure along the bottoms of my arms, thighs, and legs. I'm also finding that I'm remembering to do noting off the cushion much more often, and that it's easier to sustain. Doubt doesn't seem to be as noticeable, and I'm motivated to sit more. If I don't get sleepy (like at my lunch sits), then formal meditation seems to stabilize fairly rapidly (about 10 minutes) and then time passes very quickly and easily.

I've waited a few days to post this. Something interesting happened on Tuesday, 3/13.

Sat at lunch and noted. The sit started with a slow deepening of focus and several noticeable shifts. Ended up in a wide-open soundspace listening to the sounds of traffic outside. Drifted gently between clarity and dreaminess, remembering to note out-loud(most of the time) whenever I got lost in thought. Out of nowhere, I was surprised by a very obvious fruition with a drawn-out entrance. The fruition itself felt like my body accelerated sideways for a bit. It moved me from dreaminess to sharper clarity and into a strong focus on overall body sensations of tingling. Later in the afternoon, I had fairly noticeable bliss in the afternoon, along with fullness in my head, excitement, and a little bit of vertigo/disorientation.

So far, so good. This has happened before. Usually there would be this big WOW! factor but then that would start fade away, and things would go back to normal.

However, the body bliss, the fullness in my head, and especially the disorientation increased all afternoon. Something felt different. The best way I can describe it is that I felt very aware of the physicality of my body, of how it moved, and very aware of all the different touch sensations and feelings. It got to the point where I felt a bit self-conscious about it, wondering if anyone else could notice if there was anything different about me.

When I went to bed, I watched my breath for a minute or two, and then dropped into a very physical second jhana. I'd sit up and move around, and then lie back again. Just as I was starting to relax, the jhana would pop up again. It was a bit frustrating, because I had taken a long bike ride earlier, and needed the sleep. I wasn't able to fall asleep for a long time -- whenever I'd start to drift off, I'd notice my body start to tingle, I'd get some rising energy and pleasure, and I'd wake up.

[cont...]

[...cont]

Even though I had gotten much less sleep than I wanted, on Wednesday I woke up before the alarm. One of the first things I noticed was that I was able to note/notice fairly easily. Also, concentration on almost anything felt like it 'locked on' fairly well.

Before my lunch sit, I took a short walk. Noticing/noting felt very easy and natural. Little effort seemed to be needed -- I just inclined my mind to sensations, and their flickering seemed to be not only obvious, but very normal and nothing special.

Lunch sit:
Noting moved me to dreaminess fairly quickly, and then back down with a fruition that felt very similar to yesterday. I was able to repeat this a number of times. Dwelling in the Witness also did this, but it was obvious that I started in A&P: eyelid lights, energy, tingling, excitement. After that, very quick disorientation, then dreaminess, then a fruition. Did this four or five times more times in a row.

Evening sit:
I watched my breath with a very light touch for a short while, then moved to noting. Just like at lunch, I was able to move up to Equanimity very quickly via noting, get a fruition, and pop back into A&P. After doing this a bunch of time, I tried it with the Witness, and got the same result. I felt pretty blissed out after 40 minutes of this.

In general, I seem to feel a sort of mental lightness, and, well, happiness. The things that normally might bother me a bit (having to clean the catbox, take time to do chores, get to bed early) didn't seem so important, and I get them done without the subtle inner resistance I normally have.

I know it hasn't been very long, but practice also feels lighter and easier. Over the last six weeks, it's gotten to be a bit of a grind, but there seems to be this freshness. Sensations seem fairly obvious, and I'm starting to notice some subtleties that I haven't seen before. I seem to be more curious about things.

Wow, sounds promising! Keep us updated.

Thursday, 3/15

Things are still feeling different this morning

20 minute sit before driving in. Started noting, and there seemed to be a short time before things start to happen, but then I was in A&P, having eyelid lights. Cycled up and down for a bit and had a few subtle fruitions before I started the car and drove. Noted on the drive in, working on four foundations and on pairs. There seems to be a different feel to this now -- deeper, more obvious, not so much resistance to doing the work. I can get used to this.

Walked for 40 minutes at lunch. Initially, started following the sensations in my feet, and then moved to noting. After a bit, noting felt heavy, and I experimented with maintaining a very light touch on whatever was happening. Got to a point where it was very easy to maintain this mindfulness with whatever was happening. My senses felt heightened, and thoughts were down in the mix, mostly short, vague, and not very formed. I felt very calm, very settled, and very equanimous. I was able to remain mindful even after walking back to work, getting in the car, and going back out to pick up some lunch.

On the drive home, I was able to get settled fairly quickly, and noted until it felt heavy. There seemed to be a sort of letting go that happened, and after that, pleasantness, contentedness, expansiveness, smooth vibrations.

So, I just drove. Thoughts came and went, but primarily driving seemed to be a sensory thing, and attention contracted when it needed to, and widened out when nothing pressing was going on. I watched automatic responses happen and flow when necessary. Some part of me strongly insists that I must have been in control, yet here was all this stuff happening on it's own. Curious.

Curious indeed!!!

Andy: That sounds like great stuff. I would highly recommend reading Nirmala's "Nothing Personal" at this point. If you're like me, then there will be a natural backsliding, but the conceptual mind will be clinging to your already past/fictitious high. Nirmala does a great job of explaining how we should get really really curious about the experience of these post-high contracted states.

Thanks for the suggestion, Justin. I'd already downloaded the free first chapter of the book, and started reading it over the weekend.

Because my everyday experience has undergone a very noticeable change since last Tuesday (post #508), I've tried to notice what's changed, and I've done a lot of experimenting:

Off-cushion:
- It's much, much, much easier to be more mindful and aware throughout the day - this is probably the single biggest and most noticeable change. It's also easier to sustain noting in various situations during the day.

- In general, I feel great. I'm noticeably more content, calm, settled, peaceful, joyful, and empathic. There's this peaceful, calm, stillness whenever and wherever I listen for it.

- When I wake up in the morning, I'm very quickly awake, alert, and mindful.

- I've had a few incidents where anger came up, but I was able to see it as a long-practiced, habitual, hot-button reaction, and it soon settled down.


[cont...]

[...cont]

- Fruitions are ocurring often during formal (and sometimes informal) practice

- On the cushion, noting will lead to a fruition, which jumps me back down to A&P, and I can repeat this lots of times. After a number of these cycles, I can sense when I get close to a fruition, and then incline to it to get it to occur.

- I've had difficulty falling asleep because I've found myself involuntary in A&P, and then start getting fruitions

- Jhanas are again easily attainable when concentrated. Eighth jhana is now very noticeable with a lot of bubbly/popping sensations everywhere. Shifting to ninth jhana now produces a distinctly different body sensation completely different than either eighth or seventh.

- Previously, mindfulness of breath would lead me to eventually rise up through the nyanas, just like noting. Now, it causes me to get more concentrated.

- Concentration practices, noting, Witness now all produce distinctly different results, instead of all leading to vipassana and going up the arc.
- Concentration quickly leads to stable concentrated states.
- Noting will lead to a fruition and jumps me back down to A&P.
- Witness causes jhanas to appear one after the other, up and down and will eventually stabilize in a clear, pleasant, wide-open, receptive state.

- I occasionally find myself in that clear, pleasant, wide-open, receptive state at various times during the day.


[cont...]

[...cont]

One of the more interesting things, though has been what comes up when I've been working on being present using HAIETMOBA. I ask myself the question, 'How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?' I then pay attention to and let go into whatever sensations are happening. I suspect that doing it this way is a third gear practice.

It leads to a stable, wide-open, body-sensation rich state with a quiet mind, much listening, and much calmness, and pleasantness. Initially, the state lasts for a few seconds, and then thoughts start to come back up. The more I do it, the longer the state lasts. Continuing to do HAIETMOBA will sustain the state indefinitely, unless I get interrupted by something that demands a lot of my undivided attention.

The important part of this practice is not in the specifics question, but in the letting go and opening myself experience, and the open, attentive, listening that I do after I let go. After I do this for a while, I can simply incline to that state to keep it going.

Other things I've notice with this practice:
- Witness eventually softens and opens up into the same stable, wide-open, sense-rich, quiet state as HAIETMOBA does.
- I can do HAITEMOBA for extended periods while cycling (and it leads to the wide-open state). Previously, it was difficult to do any practice for more than a few minutes on the bike.

I think a congrats is officially in order!

Wow--this is great, Andy! Wonderful reporting. Thanks for your detailed descriptions.

Thanks, Russell and Laurel. I appreciate the comments.

Yeah, I'm still not quite sure how these things will shake out, and I expect that the clarity that I'm having now will start settling down. (noting anticipation, inevitability, pre-disappointment).

However, I've had some really intriguing glimpses of new territory. More on this later, when I have a bit of time to write it up.

Wednesday, 3/21

Things are finally starting to cool down a bit from the peaks of last week. I'm not as automatically mindful, and the sense of being present and aware is not so constant. The sense of newness and freshness is fading, but I can still call these things up fairly easily, and often do.

At a lull at work, sitting at my desk, I closed my eyes and started noting. I quickly found myself aware of sensations flickering, then noticed a deep chest vibration, a strong heartbeat, then some dizziness and confusion. That settled, then I had a touch of the driftyness/dreaminess, and then suddenly felt a strong transition and found myself back in A&P, all in less than 45 seconds. I guess I'm still in review A.

At bedtime, I fell asleep playing with concentration and jhana, then woke up cycling with massive bliss pouring through me. It went on and on, sometimes with fruitions coming immediately one after another non-stop. I was unable to stop it, and couldn't fall asleep for several hours. Getting up and moving around did nothing to stop this. As soon as I lay back down, it restarted. After I finally fell asleep, I had a lot of dreams, and occasional vague awareness that I was dreaming.

Surprisingly, in the morning, I felt contented, and peaceful, and unshakeably calm.

Thursday, 3/22

Usually when I don't get much sleep, I'm cranky and tired the next day. Today, though, I've had an all-day pleasantness, and an open awareness that I could tune in to. Nothing whatsoever was a problem. I didn't meditate at lunch, but simply took a walk, took some pictures, took in the nice weather. I let anything and everything come up. Sometimes strong awareness was present, sometimes thinking, but mostly I just enjoyed being present for whatever came up.

It didn't seem necessary, or even useful, to do a specific, formal practice when I was so present.

That night, when I went to bed, I again did concentration practice. Like yesterday, I woke up and was not able to fall asleep for a long, long time, although I didn't have more than a few fruitions. In the morning, I felt very tired, but I didn't seem to have the typical crabbiness, stay-out-of-my-way attitude that has happened in the past when I've gotten very little sleep.

I haven't experienced much motivation to practice, which is fairly unusual for me. For so long, I've pushed myself to practice and practice some more. Now, that motivation is way, way down, and truth be told, I'm liking it.

I have sat a few times in the last week, but I'm not pushing myself, or going out of my way to practice on the cushion. Off the cushion, multiple opportunities naturally present themselves, so I'm noting, noticing the three characteristics, being mindful of my body and breath, being aware of being aware, etc. Some day I get several hours in, and other, maybe 10 minutes. This feels appropriate, comfortable, and the right thing to be doing right now. For now, I'm letting the latest shift unwind and integrate into my life organically, simply, slowly.

In daily life, I'm happier, often joyful, and rarely reactive. What emotional reactions do come up seem disconnected from their accompanying thought chains, so I can often see the separation between thoughts and feelings and don't get caught up in the feelings. This means that when I do see that embeddedness happening around me, I need to pay close attention so that I not only don't contribute to it, but also seek to help.

Chris said it very well in Loco's thread:
"But, Loco, this is also liberating and can make one more effective as a partner, friend, parent, co-worker and all around human being. When we can see what others are (they're what we are, after all) then it becomes our responsibility ***because we can see*** to have that much more compassion, respect, and to deal with life's experiences as appropriately as our new eyes and perceptions will allow. Doing that is an ethical imperative, IMHO."


Oh, I also seem to be waking up very easily, with little of the crabbiness, fogginess, and leave-me-alone attitude that I very often have had in the mornings. This seems too good to be true, yet there it is.

I'm still not experiencing as much of a drive to do formal sits, although I've done five or six shorter ones over the last week. I'm still practicing when I'm driving, and find it easier to practice at various points during the day.

I suspect I'm at the tail end of review phase A and am edging into B. Early last week, I would start noting, things would settle down, I'd start at A&P, work my way up to Equanimity, and then come back down with a noticeable fruition. Later in the week, though, the fruitions got fainter and harder to spot, although the transition to A&P still took place. This week, I have not had a sit where this has happened.

The recent formal sits I've tried at lunchtime have all ended up sleepy, dreamy, with little consistent noting. Occasionally, I've noticed something that might look like review phase B stuff - object become noticeable, I notice a catch in my breath, hard itches, bright lights, a falling sensation, confusion, dreaminess. Trouble is, it's not consistent, it's hard to spot specific indicators of the nyanas (I've never really had that clarity), and I don't always notice this stuff in the order that I expect it.

When noting off the cushion (mostly when driving), I'm noticing that shortly after I start noting, objects become clear, and I can note the four foundations fairly consistently if I note out loud. Except for mindstates -- these are not clear, come very slowly, and I often drift into thought.