Andy's practice journal

Mar 25 40 minutes

Work up before the alarm and meditated. Nothing seemed to happen for a while, then suddenly I noticed body bliss and started seeing moving lights and blue speckles. This faded for a while and I noticed several shifts. Got some itches, yawns, needing to take a deep breath, and some urges to swallow. Eventually got to a calm, quiet state and then noticed some dream images and nonsensical thoughts. Immediately after this, I noticed body bliss, eyelid lights, much more clarity, and a little bit of excitement. This cycle repeated for me four times before the alarm went off. I never really noticed the transitions, but suddenly I'd find myself with the eyelid lights and completely different body sensations and mental state.

Mar 25 12+60 Minutes

In car at lunch. Noted for 12 minutes while driving to warm up the car. Felt mostly focused while noting/driving and was feeling some floatyness and very light bliss. Parked and started closed-eye meditation, and it seems like it took a while to get eyelid lights and rising bliss. After this the sensations seemed to cool off and fade, and I felt unsettled, breathing was noticeable, neck felt stiff, and I had a tiny bit of nausea. After a while this passed, and I calmed down and sensations seemed to move off into the distance. I started trying the 'I wonder what my next thought' technique to stay focused, this worked for a while, but eventually, I did start to get dreamlike thoughts and images and immediately after that, I noticed that I was thinking clearly again, feeling rising bliss, and was getting the eyelid lights again. This cycle repeated over and over. I'd feel the clarity, bliss, eyelid lights, this would fade, eventually I'd get dreamy, and suddenly, I'd get the clarity-bliss-lights thing again. I lost count after about 10 times, and it went on for a while after that.

Eventually, I tried this with my eyes open, and it got hard to keep my eyes open when things got dreamy. By this time, I was feeling pretty blissed out, tired, sleepy, and I ended the session.

Mar 26: 4 hours, 50 minutes total, Part 1

30 minutes in bed
Woke before the alarm to my phone playing music. The cat had sat on it and turned it on. Played with jhana jumping 1,3,2,4,3,2,1. Able to detect 1,2,3 better than 4, but could still sense changes between states. Tried to tour the arc and was able to start with shifting and moving light patterns and blue speckles. Was able to feel some of the shifts between stages on the way up and down, but it was hard to stay focused at times and the states themselves were sometimes hard to tell apart.

90 minutes noting while on a 100 mile freeway drive.
Started with following breath to establish concentration, then shifted to noting. Able to note consistently for long periods of time. Felt various sensations: floatyness, tightness/pain in my chest, wide-open panoramic awareness, tight focus, fear, sadness, equanimity. Had several cycles of floaty sensations, then fear, sadness, wide-open awareness, then dreaminess/sleepiness.

Mar 26: 4 hours, 50 minutes total, Part 2

60 minutes in the car.
Started with following my breath to establish mindfulness, and to sense bliss, then played with jhana jumping 1, 3, 4, 2, etc. The first few passes through were more clear. The transitions seemed pretty noticeable as did the fullness of the states themselves. Tried to concentrate on staying in each state until I wanted to change and seemed to be able to do that.

At around the 25 minute mark, I stopped, opened my eyes, drank some water and restarted with intentionally move up and down the jhanic arc. Paid special attention to transitions and kept the name of the nana in mind. Then, tried to be open to whatever came up. I remember the following things: upwelling of energy, joy, excitement, cooling off, slowing, tightness in breathing, chills, heavy vibrations, shakiness, lots of saliva and swallowing, intestinal tightness, waves of unpleasant vibrations smoothing out, calmness, outside sounds, wider attention. I then tried to go back down, trying again to see, feel, hear, sense whatever came up. The first pass was sort-of clear, and definitely clearer than the second.

Suddenly found myself having more energy, visual artifacts, bliss, and then quickly this faded into coolness and a reduction of body sensations. Eventually this got into dreamyness, and then once again lights, energy, bliss, etc. This happened maybe 5 or 6 times and each time I tried to get closer to the moment when things would suddenly change, but was not able to tell before it happened. Tried to ask 'Who am I?, who is thinking?, who is here?' Tried to focus on the three characteristics when things got calm and attention got wide. Tried to sense the entire field of awareness and how sensations were happening in it. The chime went off and I stopped.

Mar 26: 4 hours, 50 minutes total, Part 3

81 minutes Noting while on a 100 mile freeway drive back home.
Was able to note for long stretches at a time. Noting felt easy, comfortable and I felt very settled and open to whatever was happening. It was actually a bit hard to stop once I got into traffic near the end of the drive.

30 minutes of candle-flame kasina practice on the couch.
Able to pay attention better at some times than others. Got sleepy once and closed my eyes. Tried to use Nick's technique of paying attention to the color, shape, movement, and my attention itself successively, but will probably have to use a timer set to intervals to get better of this.

Mar 27 45 minutes in bed immediately after waking.

Initially, it seemed pretty easy to get concentrated on bliss, but it was hard to stay focused after second jhana. Eventually gave up on this when I noticed that I had spent a fair amount of time lost in thought. Tried noting, but kept finding myself lost in thought. Had several cycles of dreamyness-then-clarity-bliss-and-energy. Pretty sure I spent a lot of this time basically drifting around. Sometimes par for the course when I meditate after waking but not getting out of bed.

Mar 27 30 minutes on the couch.

Candle-flame kasina practice. Had a moment about half-way through where I felt some kind of a state-shift and then was able to lock on to the flame for a few good minutes. Most of the rest of it had some distractions, but I was able to stay with the flame better near the end.

Mar 28

15 minutes kasina practice with a tennis ball. I was trying to use something less bright than the candle, but brighter than my gray cardboard disk. How did it go? Chickens everywhere. '˜Nuff said.

20 minutes concentration practice with breath counting. Was feeling fairly focused, didn't spontaneously get eyelid lights and bliss, and was locked onto the breath by the time I made it into the 50s. Made it all the way into the 140s before losing my place. Things got a bit fuzzy and I noticed some dream like thinking several times before completely losing it.

Mar 28 15 minutes

Concentration practice in the car. Got sleepy and drifted off.

Mar 29 10+40 minutes

Ten minutes of noting/driving while warming up the car. I seemed mostly focused during this. Then, parked, and started with breath counting, but it was clear after a short while that I was not able to get concentrated. Tried to switch to noting, but kept losing track of it and ended up just sitting there. I just sat for a total of 40 minutes, during which time I basically listened to traffic noises and outside sounds. I got some minor eyelid lights, but they passed pretty quickly. Nothing really much seemed to happen. I didn't get itches or urges to move, or pain or fear or nausea or anything like that. Basically, it seemed like time passes, I'd get sleepy once in a while, or find myself lost in thought, or just sort of drifting. The chime eventually went off.

Not really sure what to make of this sit other than I've been feeling pretty tired and out of sorts. Maybe this sit directly reflects that. I haven't been feeling energetic, have not had a great big urge to sit. I'll get some extra sleep tonight and see what tomorrow brings.

Mar 30, 30 minutes.

Breath-counting in bed before sleep. Started okay, felt a shift or two, then next thing I know, I'm waking up a half-hour after the chime had rung.

Mar 27-31

Not doing much formal closed-eye practice for various reasons. When I do, I'm tending to fall asleep.

However, I am still doing the freeway driving noting practice I talked about in post #1 (I set a timer to chime every two minutes, and I then switch between noting sensations, vedana, feelings/mindstates, and thoughts. I usually get an hour of this in a day during my commute.) This practice has been pretty difficult for me since the weekend. Even if I start with some closed-eye noting to get the ball rolling, it's been pretty difficult to stay on task, and I'm finding I'm usually lost in thought by the time the two-minute chime rings.

Verbal noting seem pretty difficult to sustain. The effort seems huge to note out loud. When I note feelings/mindstates, I'm noting a lot of fear, frustration, anxiety, dullness, discouragement, irritation, confusion. I'm not noticing much joy, wonder, excitement, which had started and had been prevalent since somewhere around the middle of January.

Hi Andy.
Your comment that "the effort seems huge to note out loud" is familiar. I felt the same way and had a lot of resistance when Kenneth urged me to note out loud for an hour every day. However, Kenneth pointed out that we are addicted to being embedded, and that as a consequence we can have a lot of resistance to exerting the effort required to note out loud. It definitely is a difficult practice at times, but like eveything else this is cyclical in nature: sometimes, it is relatively effortless; other times, it is a joyless, gut-it-out fest. Probably this has everything to do with the nyanas, though I'm not great at recognizing 'em.
Anyway, don't accidentally cross the A&P when you're on the freeway, man! Best of luck with your practice.

Mar 31 40 minutes.

In car after work. Tried to note out loud, but was not able to note continuously, but was able to note silently better than out loud. Mostly, the out-loud issues have to do with breath control and the amount of attention that seems to require. It feels distracting to have to watch my breath and to have to time the noting to coincide with breathing.

Got eyelid lights, then eventually dreaminess and would lose verbal noting. Then, more lights, alertness, and energy to note. This repeated more than a few times. (When I noticed I was noting nonsensical dream imagery/thoughts, though, it would help me focus for a little bit longer)

Hoping to get some pure concentration work in over the weekend to help with the clarity issues.

It used to be I'd get a much stronger set of sensations when I'd go back to the eyelid lights stage, and I'd also get a bliss wave. Now, it seems it's mostly just some eyelid lights and clarity. I think I was getting a bit attached to the bliss wave, so this is a good thing.

Apr 1 30 minutes

In MRI machine. I had an MRI done of my knee today, and just for kicks, I tried to see if I could meditate. So, when the slide pulled me into the toroid, I started breath counting. The noises were pretty loud, but I was actually able to focus on my abdomen, and did feel like I got concentrated.

After a while of this, I started noting, and found that to my amusement, the noise of the machine had receded into the distance, and that my body and thoughts seemed more prominent. I did hear and note the machine at times, mostly when the frequency or rate of the noise changed, but I was actually pretty surprised that I could maintain noting most of the time.

It wasn't very clear, but I think I got fairly deep, and did experience a few of the state shifts from the dreamy-loss-of-clarity stage to getting-eyelid-lights-clarity-and-energy state several time. It almost felt like I fell asleep near the end, but I didn't have any problem noticing when the exam stopped, so I'm not sure. It took a few minutes for me to come back into full awareness after it was all over.

Apr 1 30 minutes in the car at lunch.

10 minutes of breath counting to get settled. I could feel several state shifts and got a change in perhaps the focus point of my closed eyes. After ten minutes, started noting, and I didn't seem to have as many issues with breath control and times as I did several posts ago. Did get eyelid lights and did get the hazy-dreamy-fogginess-then-clarity and also did get a bit of bliss when the state shifted. This happened several times and it seems I got more relaxed and sleepy each time it happened. Also started losing track of verbal noting when things got dreamy and regained it when the state shifted. It got harder and harder to keep up the verbal noting.

Apr 3

Have been having a hard time finding time to meditate over the last week, so have been grabbing time whenever I can.

30 minutes. Confusing half-hour in bed immediately after waking. Lots of physical sensations, but pretty hard to tell what, if any, stages I passed through. Pretty sure I felt either second jhana or A&P several times. It used to be that these sessions immediately after waking were fairly clear, but have not been that way in quite a while, maybe a month or two.

15 minutes. Quick sit in the car after working out. Started with breath-counting, then cycled through noting body sensations, vedana, feelings, thoughts, and finished with breath counting. Was able to stay focused and note verbally the entire time I noted.

50 minutes. In bed in the evening. Set timer for 35 minutes, and to chime every 2 minutes. Started with ten minutes of breath counting to get focused. Then, cycled through silently noting body sensations, vedana, feelings, and thoughts every time the chime rang. Seems like it took a little while for things to start changing. Noted some body bliss at one point and rising energy, then sensations moved to just being on the skin, and I felt like I was floating. Had some faint unpleasant vibrations further into the sit, but they weren't very clear. I was able to note fairly well up to this point. Eventually the 35 minute chime rang, and I decided to stay meditating. Things got vague after this point, and I wonder if I fell asleep. Eventually stopped when I realized that I hadn't noted in quite a while. This was actually the first sit in over a week that felt much more normal.

Apr 4 15 minutes

Quick sit in the car at lunch. Started with breath-counting, then cycled through noting body sensations, vedana, feelings, thoughts, and finished with breath counting. Noticed that in the 3 minutes after I stopped noting and switched back to breath counting that I started to space out. I wonder if I'm trying too hard to maintain single-pointed focus on my breath, and maybe I need to have a wider spacious awareness.

Apr 4 25 minutes

In car after work. Set chime to ring every two minutes. I felt like I had a few shifts during the first 8 minutes of breath counting. Switched to noting out loud and did two cycles of sensations, vedana, feelings, thoughts. Definitely had some spaced-out moments, but was able to note out loud most of the time. Finished last three minutes with breath counting, but it was hard to remain focused and I kept drifting off into thought.

Apr 5 20 minutes

In car at lunch. Set chime to ring every two minutes. Started with 4 minutes of breath counting. Switched to noting out loud and did two cycles of sensations, vedana, feelings, thoughts. Definitely had some spaced-out moments, but was able to note out loud maybe half of the time. It was hard sometimes to remain focused and I would notice that I'd stopped noting out loud and had drifted off into thought.

Having a hard time staying focused and getting spaced out seems to be the going thing for me right now.

Apr 7 25 minutes

In car. Schedule still does not give me much time to sit, so I'm catching short sits when I can. Set chime to ring every two minutes. Started with 3 cycles of breath counting. Switched to noting out loud and did two cycles of (sensations, vedana, feelings, thoughts, two minutes each). Did not notice any eyelid lights, uncomfortable vibrations, or unusual calmness. Did notice that I got lots of urges to move, swallow, reposition, etc. These seemed to come up and I'd act on them before I had realized what I'd done. I'm also finding it pretty easy to get distracted.

Have not had strong blissful sits with tingling, floating, vibrations, etc. in a while. I'm realizing that I've missed that, and that I must be somewhat attached to having sits like that. Probably a good thing that they're not happening.

Apr 8 40 minutes Part 1

In car at lunch. I've noticed that with all of the noting I've been doing, I seem to have lost a sense of play, playfulness, curiosity and investigation. On the drive home last night, I started playing with non-verbal noting again, and trying to maintain an attitude of curiosity and investigation, and today I did my first sit in a long time where I intentionally didn't note out loud, or even silently.

I started by paying attention to my breathing, and then started counting my breaths. I did several cycles from 1-10, and the first time I lost track, I simply switched over to investigating phenomena presenting themselves to me. I tried to keep a very light touch and to avoid dwelling on them more than just enough to identify that a particular thing was happening. I noted silently occasionally, when I felt that I was losing track of things, or when I noticed I was getting involved in thinking (which, surprisingly, wasn't happening that much).

I did feel several shifts as I sat, and I did have a subtle but noticeable sense of interest, excitement, anticipation, curiosity. Light tingling arose on my skin as I noticed shifting and moving light patterns and blue speckles. This waxed and waned, as did a sense of brightness and of strobing lights around the periphery of my vision. There wasn't really much bliss, but I did feel energetic, not the usual sleepiness. I heard traffic sounds, voices, birds, cars starting up, but none of this was distracting. It felt pretty easy to be detached from it, and just observe.

Apr 8 40 minutes Part 2

Once this state got here, it stayed. I never got the sense that I was shifting between states or cycling, and I had none of the dreaminess-then-bliss-and-clarity thing that had been occurring for me. I had been noting a lot of doubt and resignation, but today, I noticed excitement, hope, interest, curiosity, calmness, detachedness.

This went on for quite a while and I could have stayed in this state much longer. As it was, the chime had already gone off, and I needed to get back to work, so I stopped.

I definitely seem to have more interest and energy for sitting again, something that seems to have been fading away.

Apr 8 65 minutes in bed, Part 1

Second interesting sit of the day!

I was still feeling a bit enthusiastic from the sit earlier today. Started with breath counting, and after a while (maybe 10-15 minutes) switched to investigating. Instead of noting, I again played with maintaining a very light fast touch on the objects that come into awareness. Sometimes, I'd note silently if it seemed to help the cause, but most of the time I just let things pass in and out of my mind.

I remember feeling some shifts that felt like quick pulses of vertigo and eventually I started getting some itches. These settled down. I had some tinglings on my feet and hands, and things seemed to be moving along. Sensations kept changing, and it didn't feel like I was just hanging out like earlier today.

I started yawning, and things felt calm. Then, the itches started. First, I got one on my nostrils. When I concentrated on it, it seemed to get stronger. Then, a strong on on my right cheek. These went on for what seemed like a long time, and eventually the chime went off to signal 40 minutes. I decided to stay meditating.

A pain started up in the right side of my neck behind my jaw. Then, an itch in my right ear. A muscle in my leg started twitching and then a flareup of some lower back pain. I was smiling by this time, since I hadn't had such a noticeable set of itches (3 characteristics?) in a long while. Eventually, these settled down fairly well, except for the itch in my nostril, but I got to the point where I could feel it had lost the urge to do something about it. I got some faint dream imagery, and then suddenly I was feeling lots of tingling in my hands and face, my clarity was back, I was seeing eyelid lights and I was feeling some rising energy.

Apr 8 65 minutes in bed, Part 2

This cycle happened three times. One of the times through, I didn't get much itching, but definitely felt a strong urge to move, the other time I did get a bit itchy, but also had some dizziness. Each time I ended up getting the dreamyness, then tingling, rising energy and eyelid lights.

I definitely felt that this cycling was happening without me having to do anything to keep it going, but eventually it started vaguer and less clear, and I started getting fairly lost in thought. I ended the sit after what turned out to be 65 minutes, since I still had some things I needed to do.