Dan's Practice Journal

Going to start a practice journal and see what happens.

My name is Dan. I am in my mid thirties and have a family (wife and 3 young children). Life is pretty busy. I took my first Goenka 10-day course about 10 years ago. Overall, I sat 4 courses and a weekend short course. I experienced some highs and some pretty intense lows which made me stop about six years ago. For the past six years I have been meditating off and on (in the Goenka style). Why would I keep getting drawn back? Did I cross the A&P? Why did meditating always make me feel like crap after restarting the practice? Was my cutting edge in the dark night? I don't know the answers to these questions yet and may not ever definitively know. And that is ok with me. However, for whatever the reason I keep coming back. So, started sitting regularly back in November, got exposed to the pragmatic dharma scene in December, and started working with Ron Crouch about a month ago. Practicing about an hour a day.

Anyway, although somewhat shy and reticent to bring my practice online, I am motivated to be part of a sangha. More specifically a place where I can receive feedback on my practice and hopefully, with more experience, help others with theirs. I have been journaling my practice for several months and just started to do it blog style the past couple of weeks. You are welcome to view it <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href=" dangpracticelog.blogspot.com/ "> dangpracticelog.blogspot.com/ . It is somewhat of a scrapbook. Let me pass along a heartfelt thanks to folks who already share their practice or have shared in the past. It has been very motivating and inspiring and I have benefited greatly. Looking forward to connecting. Dan

Edit: added text from welcome thred

3.17.2013
9:10 9:50 UU Church
15 mins sitting - 10 walking - 15 sitting

Becoming de facto leader of the sunday morning group. seriously changes the experience and confuses people when I say &quot;welcome to the Zen buddhist group, I don't really know anything about zen, but welcome anyway.&quot; Probably not a good way to build a sangha. Should probably talk to some of the leadership folks about this.

Anyway, first fifteen minutes seemed to flow. Sensations coming and going. Felt solid pain and itching and then dissolving quickly once investigated. Walking meditation was challenging and thoughts flew. Once back to sitting, pleasant tingling in the nether regions (not sexual, just pleasant). third eye pressure emerged. Tensions in the chest. Visuals catching my attention, nothing dramatic, somewhat tv static looking. No dramatic ups and downs. Things were becoming more vibratory and interesting as the session ended. Tried to sit longer (during the actual church service, but the church elders were itching to start their moneyless yard sale - did score a nice tool belt!)

Off cushion:
during the church service: up-welling of tears. did not feel sad but emotions started to move. noted and paid attention. Came and went a couple of times.

As we were leaving, and elderly gentlemen was walking up to the building and tripped and fell. I saw it happening in slow motion but could not move fast enough to help him before falling. Seems like he was ok. Moments after it happened, sadness emerged again. Wanted to cry again. Felt vulnerability of life and age. Was wondering if he was feeling embarrassed, hurt, frail, etc. As I write this now I can't quite bring up the same feelings but they were strong at the time. Anyway, noticed just last evening that fear has been noticeably absent recently.

Good report, Dan. Welcome.

thanks Kenneth.

3.18.2013
6:15 - 7:15 am

Challenging sit. Started similar to most sits recently. Settling in. Minor tensions, tuning into vibrations. Started to realize I was having a hard time noting. Anxiety thoughts related to work and communications. Kept trying to come back to noting. Sit was boring for a bit but strong negative thoughts kept coming. This is out of the ordinary for most sits over the past couple of months. I have been rolling with noting and there was no rolling. Clunky and rookie-like. Vibrations were becoming harsh, felt like mild electric shock. Several times wanted to end sit and just ge up and do something else. Curiosity to see it through and examine. Third eye pressure/pulsing present most sit, sometimes foreground, sometimes in the background. One time 3rd eye sensation dominated and started to move out negativity but got pulled back in. Really could see more clearly than ever how these harsh sensations have been a backdrop of my life. Could see in a way the countless time I was acting out. I actually laughed for a moment because at a distance it was kind of funny. I guess I was laughing at the simplicity of it. Started applying Ron's teaching of having metta for these sensations. I was not actively reciting metta but just a shift in heart as I was aware of them.

Off cushion yesterday:

uneasy this afternoon. anxiety. hard to concentrate on tasks. when i pay attention it seems that the sensations from this morning are still lingering. 3rd eye pressure still prevalent.

having real doubt about practice. blaming it for making me feel bad. feelings of wanting to quit. angry at vipassana.

third eye pressure present most of the day. seem to be cruising through various emotions. while lying in bed before falling asleep, pressure was building behind my eye balls. almost like sinus pressure. jaw tensions seemed to move inward as well and converge on this spot. not sure if scripting and putting too much emphasis on this area.

3.19.2013
6:40 - 7:30 am

Interesting sit. Especially compared to yesterday. Totally calm and pleasant. vibrations more pleasant. Wanted to just sit and felt the desire to sit for a long time. Concentrated was poor. Did not feel desire to note but tried a few times and it puttered out. This is in stark contrast to the last several weeks where I felt I was shooting aliens for an hour at a time. This was more day-dreamy However, I was seeing some things really clearly. Mind - body connection seemed super sharp. Thought arises..boom...sensations. Noted sensations, dispassionately investigating, then another thought, repeat. What made it more profound was the clarity of seeing the process, the clarity of the investigation, and then the passing away. Third eye pressure was prevalent. Would investigate and dissipate upon investigation. It was like it was more prevalent in the periphery and when under investigation it passed away. I realized that I was giving this area special status because this is happening to most sensations these days anyway. As I was starting to build momentum in the sit, I hear my 1 year old crying in the other room, and then exhausted mom comes out and says &quot;here! she's yours.&quot; And went back to bed. Now typing with sleeping 1 year old.

3.20.2013
6:40 - 7:40 am


Some general thoughts about the sit. No solidity, no itching. No real unpleasant physical sensations. Third eye sensation present throughout. Investigated third eye area much more this sit. Became very interested in it . Simply because it was consistently the most dominant sensation. Some fear arose at the beginning of the sit especially when sound became very vibratory. Some anxiety and nervousness arose in spurts throughout sit regarding life responsibilities but would dissolve once noted and physical sensations investigated. Realized I was perceiving third eye sensations as if they were at a distance. Started to investigate and asked questions, i.e. more curious about them. How large of an area? How deep was I feeling the sensation?

did about 10 minutes of metta at the end of sit which felt nice.

note on sleeping. I have an awareness that my mind is actively thinking all night long. Not very restful. This has been going on for a week or so.

Is there any aversion at hitting a different cutting edge every day? Is there a desire to control it? A desire to have it progress more linearly? Any clinging to the recent stays at the higher ñanas?

Can you see a process of clinging/aversion like that, in real time, during your sits? And off the cushion?

Thanks for the well timed questions Nick. I think these are important questions for me to reflect on right now.

To answer your first question, yeah, I think there is. But is much more interesting than I have ever experienced.
I do feel I am more balanced and have more equanimity towards it. I am trying to have a more inquisitive approach to my daily sits, like, &quot;that was interesting, I wonder what it will be like tomorrow.&quot; I am trying to have a somewhat scientific approach, like I am performing this experiment, and just impersonally and dispassionately gathering data. For some reason this approach is working for me right now.

Second question. I have no idea. This is a good one and need to investigate. To your third, I think there is desire to progress more linearly. But this is where I am starting to see the value of a Sangha. If I had not read the multitude of times people reported bouncing around, and felt like they had no idea what was going on with their practice, and where they felt like they were on the maps, I probably would have more negative feelings associated with this. But being able to take a peak into another's practice, I am less inclined to spin off and create mental &quot;woe is me&quot; drama about this and just keep working.

What is interesting about this question: &quot;Any clinging to the recent stays at the higher ñanas?&quot; is that I have both clinging and aversion to it. The latest cutting edge was both exhilarating and scary.

I think I am starting to see it a little more clearly in real time on the cushion. Off the cushion? don't know?

again, thanks for asking. I have found it useful to reflect on these questions and an aid for further investigation.

3.21.2013
5:55 - 6:50 am

Lots of restlessness Vibrations throughout body can be best described as restless. This is a very familiar sensation. I am having this experience of seeing sensations, such as these, in a very new light. This group sensation has been a constant companion. I can see how I have been reacting to it throughout my life in so many ways. How it has been the source of so much mental angst. It is the &quot;I can't sit still and I am going to try a bunch of different things to try to satisfied myself&quot; sensation. Check internet, drink coffee, procrastinate task at hand, check email, read magazine, eat a snack, procrastinate task at hand, call friend, blah, blah, blah... Now the task at hand was mindfulness, so it was interesting to watch this play. Reminding myself to relax was very helpful. Just relax and observe. When those urges arose to get up and make a cup of coffee, just relax and observe.

anyway, back to sit. restless, electric-shocky sensation. similar to a couple of days ago. third eye pressure and pulsing still evident. concentration really crappy. it is interesting that there is no real solid sensation, no itching, pain.

3.22.2013
7:15 - 8:00 am

Last night at a class was zoning out of content and wanted to mediate. Crown was tingling, forehead pressure. Could not feel the pen that I was holding in my hand.

Seems to be some sort of back and forth with the daily sits these days. A more calm sit. More concentraion. Visual field much more actice. Lots of whispy cloud like stuff. Visuals would change, or maybe just become more clear and intense, once investigate. Sounds were very vibratory. Sound was buzzing and when I investigated my ears and ear drums they seemed to be vibrating as well. Sound seemed to going through my head. No physical unpleasant sensation or itching. At one point crown started tingling and a rush of fear arose. I began noting the fear, feeling the rush and the sensation and it quickly came and went. At one point, while exploring the visual field, intense itching came at the third eye area, the itches were like rapid fire machine gun, bam, bam, bam. Took me off guard, might have flinched a little. They reduced in intensity after a few moments. I have not been paying attention to nanas lately so this caught my attention and started noting &quot;mapping&quot;.

3.23.2013
Did not sit today. Third eye area and jaw still active off cushion. Also some tingling on the crown that caught my attention.

3.24.2013
9:00 -9:50
10:00 10:45

Sunday morning sit with the Zen group at the UU church. Good group this morning. Overall, sitting was somewhat boring. Especially the first sit. Working hard to concentrate. 3rd eye and jaw tension. No itching or pain. Was hungry and constantly noting it. The second sit as a little more interesting. Started noting out loud (for the first time) because I was losing focus. After about 10 minutes had a quick flash of light, a rush of fear, felt adrenalated for a few moments and that was that. Working to note things like clinging for progress and aversions to pain and negative emotions.

Off the cushion: considerably less anxious. Fairly content. Less anger arising, especially in dealing with kids. Much more optimism associated with work even though going through a challenging time.

[quote:11dmtxhr]Overall, sitting was somewhat [b:11dmtxhr]boring[/b:11dmtxhr]. Especially the first sit. [b:11dmtxhr]Working hard[/b:11dmtxhr] to concentrate. 3rd eye and jaw tension. No itching or pain. Was [b:11dmtxhr]hungry[/b:11dmtxhr] and constantly noting it. The second sit as a little more [b:11dmtxhr]interesting[/b:11dmtxhr][/quote:11dmtxhr]

Keep at noting the clinging and aversion found there, and see if you can perceive in real time, the feeling tone of experiences like those marked in bold. Remember that when you catch the mind clinging to or moving away from an object, that opens you to the possibility of gently dropping that. You are hungry, you find aversion in that, you can drop the aversion. You note that the sit is interesting, you find clinging to that, you can drop that clinging.

Keep practicing well, I'm seeing some good progress in your reports.

You can use some life hack to keep yourself accountable so you sit every day despite aversion, and avoid backsliding. I use chains, and this app ([url:11dmtxhr]https&#58;//play&#46;google&#46;com/store/apps/details?id=com&#46;nwalex&#46;meditation&amp;hl=en[/url:11dmtxhr]) to keep track of them. Obviously, it doesn't have to be [i:11dmtxhr]that[/i:11dmtxhr] high tech. This is most useful during the Dark Night, as aversion to sitting can become lack of practice, and therefore more Dark Night.

Thanks for the advice Nick. Was applying some of your suggestions in my sit this morning. The challenge of noting these subtle mind states is engaging. God I feel like I am peeling an onion.

I checked out the app. It was interesting to read the back story on Jerry Seinfeld. I may use his approach of the calendar and the red X.

3.25.2013
6:45 - 7:50

Sit similar to others the past few days. Just a side not before going ahead with this journal entry. I feeling like I may be scripting my experience and am trying hard in my notes to just report the news.

In general, no real solid stuff happening. Especially from the neck down. Checked in with the breath, which I have not been doing in any on my sits of late, and it was really subtle. Very calm. Overall I felt very calm. Several times thoughts of work and the worries and negative thoughts associated with it would arise. But what was interesting is that they did not last. Just came and went as I kept practicing.

Sounds seemed really vibratory. The wispy cloud-like visuals seemed to be broken down into individual &quot;thingys&quot;. Like tv snow.

Several times a little rush in the head, tingly at the crown, breathing quickens and then settling back down.

Off-cushion: seemed like I was being more mindful off the cushion several weeks ago and significantly less now. Would like to see if I can increase that again.

In your last journal entry, what experiences and which of your reactions to them did you [i:1ulro9l9]not[/i:1ulro9l9] note as they were happening?

Some examples which may well not apply (because the note is not true or because you did note it) :
- I feeling like I may be scripting my experience --&gt; doubt
- no real solid stuff happening --&gt; expecting
- tingly at the crown --&gt; tingling

Did the touch or thought sense doors become vibratory at any point?

Definitely starting to work on this part more. Noted things like tingling, doubt. Expecting, which i suspect was present, went unnoticed. Sense doors are starting to become more vibratory.

3.26.2013

Did not sit today. Spoke with Ron this evening. Great talk. It is really unbelievable how helpful it is to have someone to talk to about my meditation. I feel as though I am sidestepping lots of traps and potholes on the path. I can see, to some degree, how I would be practicing a lot of trial and error, and have to figure out stuff the hard way (which takes significantly more time). Reminds me of my track record with various DIY projects. Sometimes it is worth it and it works out fine and sometimes it takes 10x as long than if a pro were to do the same job. In the case of the latter, sure I learned something in the process but were those lessons worth all the grief?

Some things we discussed. Work with the third eye area. Investigate while keeping awareness on the periphery. Also, now is the time to continue consistently with practice, don't slack off!

3.27.2013

Holy Crap! Got up at 4:30 to put in some intensive practice. Talked to Ron last night and got motivated to do some work.

Warning: Bitch session ahead.

anyway, my wife decides she can't sleep so she gets up. Instantly I say &quot;oh crap!&quot; internally Why? Because as soon as she decides to get up, my 1 year old daughter will shortly be up. So I decide to sit and sure enough, less than a half hour later i hear my daughter in the other room starting to cry. My wife doesn't hear it because she working in the other room. So I get up and get her. My wife takes her, thankfully, but wife decides to bake bread (part of our family business) an hour before she planned to. So she starts rattling around the kitchen. Then she brings in my daughter to me so that she can free up her hands. So now I am sitting with my sleeping daughter on my lap while my wife is rattling around the kitchen. My daughter soon wakes up and needs soothing so I try walking meditation with her. The thing is that first half hour I was rolling. So I am a little pissed. Whatever. (noting:bitching). Bitch session over.

Later today:
Was with kids at the Children's Museum. Was in the middle of the chaos keeping track of all three doing their thing. I kept taking moments to &quot;check-in&quot; and be aware. Upon doing that body sensations would start vibrating and 3rd eye would activate. I actually was craving meditation (but was not aware of it at the time) and wanting to sit and investigate.

3.28.2013

5:40 - 7:15 am

Sat for 50 mins walking meditation for 15 and then sat for a few more minutes. Worked towards noting some more subtle mind states. Clinging, craving, doubt, mapping, curiosity. 3rd eye prevalent off and on. At one point, towards beginning of sit, I had a thought &quot;hmm, no 3rd eye sensation&quot; and took a moment to investigate. As soon as I inclined my mind toward investigation the sensations appeared full bore. Interesting. With further investigation, at Ron's instruction, noticed much more than pressure in that area. Pulsing, tingling, depth.

Was much more engaged in the walking meditation than as of late. Really feeling sensation of feet and cloth against skin. Noting sensations and mind states. Walking meditation has been recently a place where my mind spins out.

3.29.2013
6:40 - 7:40 am

Concentration seems to be really difficult. Mind is wandering. Noting feels difficult and clunky recently. Tried noting aloud again and then help focus and settle the mind a bit. Being more inclusive and noting more of my field of awareness and including more subtle mind states. Spent 2nd half of practice really focusing on the 3rd eye area once that area started to emerge and become active. Lots of different sensations happening in that area. Noted, tension, pressure, coolness, warmth (almost hot), vibration. At one point the pressure and tension sensations went inward, rather quickly and formed a really tight &quot;knot&quot; somewhere behind my eyes and above the roof of my mouth. It was startling and a rush of fear arose and then quickly passed.

Off cushion: Had my &quot;Parents as Spiritual Guides&quot; class at the UU church last night. Was somewhat socially self conscious Sensations were so strong that I felt like I was zoning out, almost zombie like, and there people perhaps were noticing. Not sure if I was making the instructor uncomfortable.

4.1.2013
6:40-7:20

Felt uncormfortable. Full of doubt, negative sensation in throught chest and solar plexus. Felt pleasant sensation arise from the seat all the way up to the crown. Some thrid eye pressure and pulsing evident. But overall the feeling of unmotivated and unpleasant. tired and groggy.

Having a brutal day off the cushion. Flooded with doubt, anger, frustration, pessimism. Really tough stuff. Trying to &quot;co-opt my enemies&quot; as I believe Kenneth once put it using the bystander technique. &quot;see how angry it is&quot; &quot;see how it is full of doubt&quot;, etc. tough but interesting.

Hang in there and don't lose momentum! What you are going through is just a bunch of impermanent sensations that arise according to the momentary state of your neurochemistry. Don't let it take away your motivation.

If you commit to honestly sit with all those sensations, all of them will be easy to note, as the &quot;unpleasant sensation --&gt; aversion --&gt; dukkha&quot; chain is so obvious at this stage. Use this opportunity to do it ruthlessly!

thanks nick!

4.2.2013
5:40 - 7:05 am

Started sit with concentration practice. Concentration felt strong and started noting. Noting was particularly stronger as of late and reinforced the idea of continuing with concentration practice. Practice seemed gross at the beginning, noting pain, itching, stiffness, etc. And then it seemed I was primarily noting more subtle things like mind states. It seemed like practice developed so that most of the attention was being place above the shoulders. At one point this are inside my head got really tight. It is a similar area as before, above the roof of the mouth and behind the eyes. Tension in this area was siginificantly greater than previous. Continued to note it and it gradually dissipated. Towards the end of the sit things got dreamlike and seemed to be losing concentration. However, at times I seemed to drop noting as it felt as if it was keeping from investigating objects as rigously as I wanted to.

Off cushion: yesterday was interesting. miserable start. continued to note periodically throughout the day and ended on a positive note. Same today, really had a difficult challenge with work this morning and just felt the negative energy and anger come flooding in. used the bystander and things moved pretty quickly. Bystander really helps me right now from continual rolling in negative thoughts (which is a favorite pastime of mine).

4.3.2013

5:35-7:00 am

Started with some concentration practice (coutning breaths) for about 10 mins. Farily challenging this morning. Insight practice as a whole just seems so subtle right now. Easy to lose track no strong sensations, no strong emotions. Starting to realize, in retrospect, how easy it seemed to meditate with gross sensation and powerful emotions. I feel ridiculous for even writing this since those periods were so difficult for me. This is definitely feeling like new territory. Had a couple of strong itches towards the beginning of the sit. Some subtle fear arose at one point but quickly went away. 3rd eye pressure and pulsing prevalant through most of sit. Noticing 3rd eye sensations moving slowly inward. Not sure about this. It really is a tricky area to work with when I put my full attention on it. Not sure why. Sound seemed vibratory at times. Contnuing to experience a lot of doubt and confusion.

Off the cushion: do not feel on top of things. spacing-out/forgetting important tasks. multi-tasking seems especially difficult. noting more off the cushion. bystander technique is really working for me in this area. Wish I could sit more these days.

4.4.2013
6:10 - 7:30 am

Was determined to see nanas as best I could this morning. Haven't really cared in a while about mapping my experience recently but for whatever reason the thought entered and wanted to check it out. For the first 15 minutes or so things were definitely changing. Pains in back and knees, to a really nice soothing full body tingling/vibration, then noticing things like itching, nausea, unsettling vibrations in lower abdomen (which are usually associated with anxiety and fear for me), then really vibratory sound. The vibratory sound part was interesting because it couldn't quite tell if I was just hearing it, or feeling it as well. Difficult to pick apart. From there things seemed to fly all over the place. Ron once told me that there is this up and down of the nanas while sitting. I stopped paying attention to mapping and just started noting. Full body vibration with pain in the back and shoulders coming and going. It was interesting to see pain again as it has been very absent lately. Was feeling a lot of mental tension especially around doubt and scripting. What was cool though was that I was feeling the tension. There seemed to be some relaxing associated with this. Almost like the first time watching a painful gross sensation come and go. 3rd eye pressure became prevalent later in the sit. I have been calling it pressure but it seems to be shifting to like a ball of tension. Really tried to investigate and be curious about it. Had an itch on my face emerge and interesting observation occurred. Was unsure where I was actually experiencing the sensation but knew if I gave myself permission to itch my hand would go to exactly the spot where the itch was. This kind of blew my mind. Sounds weird now as I write but felt really profound and not sure why. Anyway, this particular itch I was able to zoom in and see the bubbling/fizziness that made up the itch. I have experienced this before but there was something about this time that felt like I was zooming in with a microscope. As I write this journal entry soon after my sit I feel so relaxed as if some tension got released. Kind of nice. Makes me realize I have turning my practice into a grind as of late.