Marc's practice notes

[b:1ve1s69m]Jan 24 2012, 4:43 PM EST | Post edited: Jan 24 2012, 4:50 PM EST[/b:1ve1s69m]

Just sat for 50 minutes. Noted the entire sit.
Noticed remembering and fantasizing thoughts, and a lot of itches. There was some muscle twitching. I remembered Ron's advice about getting out of the way for the process to unfold. After about 20 minutes I noticed a few tingling waves, and after that I wondered what to note, I spaced out a bit, and noticed coolness. Then some worrying thoughts, waiting, mapping thoughts, regret, sadness. Not much happened, but there was some tension in my back, and thoughts about progress and impatience. Then I noticed that there seemed more distance between these sensations and my awareness, and for the next 15 minutes or so, I just sat, being aware of this distance. I spaced out a few times, and eventually I noticed some boredom and impatience. Then I got up from the cushion.

[b:344nuca3]Jan 25 2012, 3:22 AM EST[/b:344nuca3]

I just sat for 80 minutes.
In the beginning there was a lot of mental activity, pressure, tension and itches. Then I saw some lights, there was some minor tingling, more itches, waiting, still a lot of thinking, and another tingling wave. After that my mind slowed down a bit, I noticed boredom and noting became more difficult. Then some worrying thoughts, and after a while I noticed some thoughts about aging, and I saw myself as an old man. After that there were some thoughts about death, and I saw some mental images of decay.
Then I noticed some impatience, pain in my back, mapping thoughts, wandering off, and suddenly it seemed as if I was watching these sensation from a distance. There was still pressure on my butt, tension in my back and all kinds of thoughts, but it didn't bother me at all. After a few minutes I noticed that the sensations in my body were made up of very fine vibrations, and when for example I noticed tension, I also noticed that this tension was vibrating. There were some mapping thoughts and I spaced out a few times. Noting became less frequent, and I sat like this for about half an hour. At a certain moment there was some pressure in my head, and when I turned my attention to this, it stayed, but became a bit vibratory as well.
Eventually I got a bit bored and decided to get up.

[b:1v1bqx8h]Jan 25 2012, 4:11 PM EST[/b:1v1bqx8h]

I just meditated for 50 minutes.
First, there were a lot of thoughts, mostly fantasizing, and many itches. I felt my mind speeding up, which felt a bit chaotic. I noticed some mapping thoughts and waiting for the next stage. After about 20 minutes I noticed a tingling wave, which was quite pleasant. After that my mind slowed down, and my arms and hands gradually started feeling very heavy. Then I heard a sound, and there was some intense fear, accompanied by worrying thoughts. After that I noticed sadness, annoyance, anger, frustration about having to translate my observations in English, thinking about things that bothered me, imagining talking very angrily at someone. Then it felt like all previous mindstate were following each other in a very high speed: sadness, fear, anger, annoyance, etc. My head felt very hot, there was a very intense back ache, and my whole body felt uncomfortable. Then the mental chaos and difficult mindstate disappeared, my back ache turned into mild tension, and I noticed myself waiting. There was relief, but also a bit of disappointment and impatience. After about 10 minutes I started noticing some boredom, and a bit of back ache. I waited for a few minutes and then I got up.

[b:28xtzc51]nadavspi
Jan 25 2012, 4:16 PM EST[/b:28xtzc51]

Very clear description of the arc there. Keep it up... you're cooking. <!-- s:-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:-) -->

[b:1szwfqjz]Jan 26 2012, 3:20 AM EST[/b:1szwfqjz]

This morning I meditated for 60 minutes.
As usual, there were a lot of thoughts in the beginning: many remembering thoughts, future thoughts and fantasizing thoughts. Also tension in my back, many itches, and impatience. After about 20 minutes I felt a tingling wave through my body, and I saw some light. Shortly after that I noticed that noting becamer more difficult and I zoned out a few times.
Then there were worrying thoughts, some fear and tension in my stomach. Remembering, melancholia, regret, shame, mapping thoughts, fear of scripting, doubt. I heard some sounds and noticed annoyance. I remember feeling fed up with everything around this time. After some time I noticed back ache, zoning out, fear, annoyance, impatience, mental activity, mapping thoughts, and a bit of resistance and aversion. Then there was a subtle shift: these sensations were still there, but I didn't experience them as difficult anymore. I noticed relief, and gradually my mind became more still, and the back pain went away. For a while nothing much was happening, and now and then I felt vibrations, mostly in my upper body, and I saw some mild strobing light. I spaced out a few times, and noticed a bit of boredom. A few minutes before the timer went off, there was some impatience, and some tension in my back.

[b:210g9tt1]jgroove
Jan 26 2012, 8:10 AM EST[/b:210g9tt1]

These reports couldn't be better--just the facts. Awesome!

[b:2900orx5]Jan 26 2012, 9:19 AM EST[/b:2900orx5]

Thanks, Joel. I have to admit that I am constantly interpreting the stuff that happens during my meditation. If I would be more exact, there would be a lot more of 'mapping thoughts' in my reports...

[b:2aljke7j]Jan 26 2012, 3:16 PM EST[/b:2aljke7j]

I sat 50 minutes this evening.
In the beginning I noticed remembering and fantasizing thoughts, as well as a lot of tension and pressure in my stomach and itches through my upper body. After about 15 minutes there was a pleasant tingling wave through my uppder body, followed by another one. Then I felt a bit like I was sinking, and it was more difficult to come up with the right noting words. Then there was a fantasizing thought, followed by fear, tension in my stomach and a very energetic feeling through my body, a bit like excitement. Soon after that I noticed sadness and a feeling of missing something lost. Then my mind became more active, and I noticed that I was hearing a lot of swearing words in my head, and feeling a bit agressive. My body felt pretty tensed, but then all of a sudden I felt totally calm and relaxed, and the disappeared. I noticed surprise, and wondering how this could happen so soon: I was expecting more difficult sensations. A few times I spaced out a bit, but most of the time I was aware of vibrations in my body, and my hearing also appeared a bit vibrational. After a while I noticed some energy building up in my chest and head, and noticed anticipation and excitement. My heart started beating faster and my breathing also became faster. Then the building up of energy stopped and I noticed some disappointment about feeling so excited. The feeling of calm returned, and after 5-10 minutes I noticed impatience and a back ache. That's when I got up.

[b:2qo3mb6n]Jan 27 2012, 2:31 AM EST[/b:2qo3mb6n]

This morning I sat for 50 minutes. It was a pretty difficult sit.
At first my mind was very active, and there was a lot of tension in my back, and some itches here and there. Pretty quickly there was a tingling wave through my upper body, I opened my eyes for a few seconds and saw my visual field strobing intensely. Then noting became more difficult. Then some worrying thoughts. I remembered something and noticed a sad feeling, and my face felt like I was looking sad. Not long after that there was a strong feeling of disgust. After a few minutes or so mymind became more active again, but I didn't feel concentrated at all. A lot of difficult mindstates followed eachother, in a chaotic and restless way. I noticed impatience, aversion, waiting, mapping thoughts, hoping. For a very short moment my mind felt a bit calmer, but then it all came back, only more intense. Now there was also back pain, and stinging sensations. After a while I changed my position. There was still a lot of restlessness, impatience and aversion, and eventually I checked the timer, and got up. I felt quite disappointed.

[b:2qhkwgwx]Jan 27 2012, 2:59 PM EST[/b:2qhkwgwx]

This evening I sat for 40 minutes.
My mind was pretty active in the beginning, mostly fantasizing, intending and remembering, and also some anxiety. After a while the sensations in my body felt pretty fast and a bit mechanic. Then I noticed some sort of tension building up, and more itches. Then there was a very subtle tingling wave, which was very pleasant. Immediately after that I felt less present, and I wandered off a few times. I heard a sound and noticed a bit of fear, and tension in my abdomen. After a while there was impatience, a bit of aversion, and a sharp pain in my back. After a few minutes I noticed that the aversion was gone, and although the pain in my back was still quite intense and my mind was pretty chaotic, I was totally okay with it, and I just observed it. The pain was still there, but there was no mental restlessness or chaos anymore, and a few times I noticed very fine vibrations or fine tingling sensations. I spaced out a few times, noting half-automaticly (mostly rising, falling). Staying aware of actual sensation was a bit difficult.
Then I noticed impatience and some restlessness, and the pain in my back, which hadn't disappeared, seemed more intense, and I noticed aversion. Shortly after that I decided to get up.

[b:3vszwpz6]Jan 28 2012, 1:00 AM EST[/b:3vszwpz6]

I just meditated for 60 minutes.
Noted lots of itches in the beginning, thinking, pressure, waiting. Tingling sensations, difficulty noting. Anxiety, worrying, tension in my stomach and chest. Remembering thoughts, regrets. Not sure what happened next, but after a while I noticed a lot of thoughts, not feeling very concentrated, restlessness, chaos, tension, back ache, itches, aversion, doubt, worrying, despair. Then I noticed some distance between me and these sensations, and the restlessness disappeared. There was still quite a lot going on, but no aversion. For the next 15 minutes or so I was just sitting. I did notice some mapping thoughts. I spaced out several times. Then I noticed a bit of a back ache, and I changed my position. I wandered off a few times, and then the timer went off. I feel a bit spaced out right now.

[b:3m4kaf7x]RonCrouch
Jan 28 2012, 12:11 PM EST[/b:3m4kaf7x]

Let me just reiterate what some others are saying - these are really good practice notes. It's what happened without a whole lot of interpretation.

That being said, last time we talked we discussed how you were going to be mostly in the DN and dipping your toe into EQ. That's what it looks like. This is a hard part of the path because of the frustration. You know what EQ is like, but the sits are full of DN stuff. The whole thing right now is about being stubborn and accepting at the same time. Your going to be stubborn in that you'll just keep sitting whatever happens and accepting in that you won't try and change it but just watch it.

Hang in there.

[b:3ud385rp]Jan 29 2012, 4:19 AM EST[/b:3ud385rp]

Thanks for the advice, Ron. Our chat last night was also very helpful and inspiring!

This morning I sat for 60 minutes.
I noticed many thoughts in the beginning, mostly remembering thoughts future thoughts and intending thoughts. Also a lot of itches, pressure on the contactpoints with the cushion, and some tension in my back. After a while I noticed impatience, mapping thoughts, waiting. After about 25 minutes I noticed tingling sensations, and immediately after that I noticed coolness on my skin. My mind slowed down and I had more difficulty noting. The itching had stopped. Then I noticed some worrying, and tension in my stomach. After a while I noticed remembering thoughts and regret. Then there was a bit of nausea. After a few minutes I noticed that my mind became more active again, and the itches came back. There was also some back pain, and fear, aversion, annoyance, despair and other difficult emotions followed eachother. After a short while the aversion dropped away, and I was watching all these sensations without resistance. I noticed relief, and I zoned out a bit. After about 10 minutes I noticed impatience and aversion, and gradually the back pain, itches and mental activity returned. There were many urges to stop meditating, but when I had checked the timer and saw that there were 7 minutes left on the clock, I decided to stay on the cushion and wait for the timer bell.

[b:39nz8qox]jgroove
Jan 29 2012, 6:16 AM EST[/b:39nz8qox]

Fantastic!

[b:1ozco2hi]Jan 30 2012, 3:08 AM EST[/b:1ozco2hi]

Last night I sat for 20 minutes, to maintain momentum.
I just sat for 60 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for about 10 minutes, and then I started noting. I noticed a lot of itches, restlessness, thinking, wandering off, tension and pressure. Then there was a bit of tingling, then some mapping thoughts, waiting, wandering off, thinking, anxiety, panic, doubt, confusion, mapping thoughts, again some tingling, waiting, anxiety. Then there were some pretty disturbing mental images, and I noticed aversion and disgust. Noticed waiting and mapping thoughts, and then my mind became more active, I noticed fear, despair, aversion, restlessness and impatience. Then all of a sudden I was just watching these things without being involved in them, and gradually the mental chaos disappeared. It felt like just sitting, and I noticed relief, boredom, calm, mapping thoughts. It was pretty pleasant. I forgot to note a few times, and wandered what I should do, but I just kept on trying to note sensations. After 15 to 20 minutes I noticed a bit of impatience, restlessness and aversion creeping up, and then the timer went off.

[b:shwx0no6]Jan 30 2012, 3:28 PM EST | Post edited: Jan 30 2012, 3:37 PM EST[/b:shwx0no6]

I just sat for 35 minutes. At first, there were many itches and thoughts, and after 10 minutes I noticed tingling sensations and lights in my visual field. It felt very pleasant. Then everything slowed down, and shortly after that I noticed worrying. Then I remembered something and noticed sadness and stinging sensations in my heart area, and after a while I noticed anger, and I imagined trashing the room I was sitting in. Then there was restlessness, mental chaos, impatience, aversion, and an intense urge to stop meditating. Then it became more quiet, and all the chaos gradually dropped away. After a few minutes I stopped noting, and tried to let go of the effort. There was some thinking, and I asked myself: what will my next thought be? I was Then the thoughts pretty much disappeared, and there were all these very fine tingly vibrations through my body, which was very pleasant. After a while there was some boredom and impatience, and I stopped meditating. Now I feel a bit guilty about 'giving up' that easily.

[b:1c9w6njl]Jan 31 2012, 3:08 AM EST[/b:1c9w6njl]

I just meditated for 45 minutes. First counted the breath for 10 minutes, then started noting. Noticed a lot of tingling sensations and visual lights during the counting of my breath. The rest of the sit there was a lot of impatience, aversion and difficulty noting. After about 30 minutes I decided to lie down, and then I spaced out most of the time. I feel pretty disappointed right now.

[b:37dye5yo]Feb 1 2012, 3:29 AM EST[/b:37dye5yo]

Last night I noted for 35 minutes on the bus: mostly fear and disgust.
This morning I sat for 60 minutes. A lot of remembering thoughts and planning thoughts, as well as itches and pressure. Then the speed of noting went up, and eventually there were tingling sensations and I saw morphing lights.
Then I noticed coolness and noting became more difficult. Thoughts about my thesis, anxiety, tension in my stomach. Regrets, annoyance, hearing, irritation. Then my mind became more active, there was some pressure in my head, a stinging feeling in my heart, impatience, fear, aversion, pain in my back, itches, and some sort of physical chaos. Then I noticed a calm feeling, which gradually became more dominant. Eventually the difficult emotions and body sensations pretty much disappeared, and there was a very panoramic awareness. I noticed wonder, relief, doubt, acceptance, hearing birds sing, joy. There was some very fine tingling through my body. I decided to stop noting and see what would happen. Soon after that I noticed some quite intense very fine flickering light, along with the fine tingling vibrations. It was very pleasant, and for a moment I spaced out a bit. I opened my eyes for a few seconds and saw that the white wall in front of me was flickering very fast, and in a very fine pixel-like way (hard to describe). After about 25 minutes in this calm and pleasant state I noticed some boredom and a bit of restlessness. I stretched my arms and about 2 minutes after that the timer went off and I got up.

[b:6i114drf]Feb 1 2012, 6:08 PM EST[/b:6i114drf]

I finished my master's thesis tonight, and despite my tiredness, I decided to meditate for a bit before going to bed. I sat for 35 minutes.
In the beginning I noticed a lot of pressure, some tension, and many, many thoughts, mostly related to my thesis. Then there was some sort of pressure building up, and I noticed that I expected a tingling wave. There was some itching, and a tiny bit of tingling, which was pretty pleasant, and after a little while there was a very pleasant tingling wave through my upper body. Then I felt very heavy, I forgot to keep noting, and when I tried to note stuff again, it was very hard to put the right labels on sensations.
I noticed some panic and anxiety, and there was some intense pressure and contraction in my stomach. After a while there was some regret and sadness. Then some anger toward myself, and self-loathing. Then everything felt very chaotic and there was a constant annoying dubstep-like vibe in my mind, with all kinds of dark feelings and thoughts. Then it became lighter again, there was more calm, some mapping thoughts, and relief. From time to time I noticed some very fine tingling (sort of vibrating), and I became very aware of the silence around me (it seemed like I could hear the silence). I spaced out a bit, but tried to stay present and keep noting. Eventually I noticed tiredness, impatience and a bit of restlessness. I stayed on the cushion for a few more minutes and then I got up.

[b:2qzhvlga]Feb 2 2012, 3:49 AM EST[/b:2qzhvlga]

I just meditated for 50 minutes. A lot of restlessness in the beginning, fantasizing thoughts, remembering thoughts, itches, impatience. Then there was a tingling wave, I saw some moving light and I felt warm. Noticed pleasantness. Then I noticed coolness, waiting, difficulty noting, then some fear, excitement, pressure in my stomach. Regret, tension in my chest. After a while sensations felt more intense: restlessness in my body, fear, tension, pressure, aversion, annoyance, chaotic thoughts, impatience, sadness. I saw an image of myself standing in a very crowded and chaotic area in the city, which felt very overwhelming. Then all the people disappeared, the image faded away and there was a calm feeling. Gradually my body and mind became still. I noticed mapping thoughts, relief, pleasantness, and spaced out a bit. Now and then there was a bit of fine tingling moving through my body. I decided to let go of noting, and noticed the tingling vibrations increasing. Not much was going on, it was just okay like this. I don't know how long this lasted, but eventually there was some boredom and restlessness. More thoughts arose and I checked the timer. I noticed some disappointment, and then I got up.

[b:3mx0kkt7]Feb 3 2012, 3:43 AM EST[/b:3mx0kkt7]

I just sat a bit more than 50 minutes. Our attic is being insulated today, so there was quite a lot of noise.
It took about 40 minutes to get to my cutting edge. Then there was calm, relief, waiting, spacing out, fantasizing, curiosity, and some fine tingling. After 10 minutes I already noticed impatience, desire to get up, restlessness.
Tonight it will be more quiet here, so I hope I can have 'better' sit then.

[b:31j9hrct]Feb 4 2012, 3:15 AM EST[/b:31j9hrct]

Last night I sat for 40 minutes. Somehow it's becoming more of a challenge to sit at least an hour, even though I end up in (low?) Equanimity each time.

From now on I'm going to skip some parts of my meditation in my journal. I'm going through pretty much the same patterns in each sit, and it's just too time consuming to write everything down.

I just sat for 50 minutes. I went to my cutting edge in about half an hour. There were still a lot of thoughts, I spaced out a bit, noticed tingling vibrations, saw lights, noticed pleasantness, waiting, doubt, boredom, curiosity. After about 10 minutes I changed my position, and the last 10 minutes were mostly filled with spacing out and getting lost in thought trains.

I feel a bit stuck lately: each sit ends up in what I interpret as low equanimity, but then most of the times I just get bored and space out most of the time. I guess it's hard to disembed in that state.

[b:tgymniq3]Feb 5 2012, 2:34 PM EST[/b:tgymniq3]

This morning I sat for an hour. Most of the time there was a lot of impatience and aversion. I did seem to go through the nanas.
I decided to sit again tonight, and I just tried, for 15 minutes... There's just a lot of aversion, mental chatter and general lack of attention. Maybe I'm just too tired. I'll try to get a good night's sleep and get an hour of meditation tomorrow morning.

[b:182d82po]Feb 6 2012, 1:08 AM EST[/b:182d82po]

I just sat for 60 minutes. First I counted the breath for about 5 minutes. Then I started noting.
In the beginning there were a lot of itches, fantasizing thoughts, warmth, pressure at the contactpoints with the cushion and tension in my back. After about 20 minutes (maybe even more) there was a tingling wave, and I saw flickering light. Then I noticed coolness, and it became more difficult to note sensations properly. Then there was excitement, and some worrying and pressure in my stomach. Waiting, mapping thoughts, doubt, confusion, remembering thoughts, regret, sadness, annoyance. Waiting, interpreting, more mental activity, chaotic mindstates, fear, anger, irritation, pain in my back, impatience, aversion. Then I noticed that I was just watching all this, without really being involved in it anymore. I noticed relief, waiting, boredom, impatience, and after 10 minutes the timer went off.

[b:3cwzqrdk]Feb 8 2012, 4:35 AM EST[/b:3cwzqrdk]

Yesterday morning I sat for 50 minutes. It was a difficult sit, with a lot of aversion and impatience.

This morning I sat a bit longer than 50 minutes. At first, there were many thoughts and a lot of itches. After 5 to 10 minutes there was a tingling wave through my upper body, and I saw some flickering light. I noticed surprise and relief. Then noting became more difficult, and I noticed coolness in my hands. After a few minutes I noticed some planning thoughts. Then I noticed tension in my stomach and worrying thoughts. Not long after that there was some remembering, sadness, regret, a bit of nausea (could have been because I hadn't eaten yet), mapping thoughts, tension in my chest, self-judgments, doubt, confusion. Then my mind seemed to get more chaotic, and there was fear, aversion, regret, waiting, impatience, pain in my back and tension. Then all of a sudden I noticed that there was no aversion anymore, and I just observed everything in a kind of detached way. Gradually a feeling of calm and peace became dominant. I saw some mild and fine strobing, and when there was tension in my stomach or chest, I noticed that it wasn't solid, but sort of vibrating. Now and then there was some fine tingling. After about 10 minutes I noticed some boredom and impatience. I checked the timer, but stayed on the cushion. After that I stopped noting, and the vibrating became more noticeable. I spaced out a few times and there were some meandering thoughts, so I said to myself: I wonder what my next thought will be. This seemed to help a bit, as my mind I didn't really wander off anymore. Eventually I noticed boredom and impatience again, as well as some restlessness, and I decided to get up.