Excited about tonight's Zen service at my Modesto local sangha

For the first time since I've been going to these Thursday night services (and the once a month "zen and recovery" group put on by the same sangha) the actual leader of the group Grace Schireson will be leading the service and giving a talk.

Many years ago when she first started the group and it had a slightly different variety of people, I used to attend and sit with her, do dokusan with her, and hear her talks after. So I kind of know her, but she and I have been through a lot since then and I'm curious to see what she is like now and how she conducts herself and the service.

Plus, one of the priests has arranged for a group of counseling students from a local college to attend tonight to hear her lecture on "The Relevence of Zen in Modern Everyday Life," which should be interesting.

As you may know, I've committed myself to actually becoming a part of this sangha and participating in whatever ways are presented (which will include a three day sesshin/retreat next month), rather than just hanging out occassionally like I did in the past. It is interesting to see what it is like to be part of an actual flesh and bones Buddhist practice.

As often happens in life, real life didn't match the anticipated excitement.

I thought it was going to be the usual zazen, kinhin, zazen, service, chanting, bowing, chanting, followed by a dharma talk. And, for the dharma talk, Grace would address the guests from the college. So, I'd get my usual hit of zen practice/religion and then hear an interested talk from Grace for the first time in a long time.

Instead, the entire two hours was basically all about the 12 adult students from the college and explaining "zen" and Buddhism to them. All us regular zen students (and the one robbed-priest that showed up) sat on the floor on cushions and zabutons serving in a way as props for the guests who all sat in chairs along the walls behind us.

Grace spent the entire explaining things while answering random questions. We did a little "experimental" meditating, which was the best part, of course. I again wondered at how much I love to meditate, especially in a group, and how much I've always loved it. She and others talked about how hard it was, how the mind and the body tended to resist meditiating,etc. and I realized how that was never my experience, I've always liked doing it.

It was nice to see Grace, however, and she remembered me from years ago and was polite and compassionate I think in the way she made sure to have a moment of connection with me. She was nicer looking, taller, and friendlier than I remembered her. Her eyes have the requisite brightness.

It was odd and not my favorite thing to watch the zen activity and religion treated like a sort of odd ball sideshow. I didn't really get the impression that these 12 people were among the many people these days who find zen so interesting, cool, and attractive. By their questions it seemed like many might have been relatively conversative Christians who were not very comfortable with what they were seeing and hearing.

One (nice) lady kept asking Grace to tell her what she thought happened "when you die and your soul leaves your body? Do you go somewhere? Do you join the Buddha?" Grace kept insisting that if she were to just tell her the answer then it would just be words and wouldn't have any real value to the woman. "What we tell our students about that sort of thing is to sit down and work it out for yourself and then come back and tell me what you found." This was NOT a satisfactory answer and Grace was very gracious (pun!) in her taking in and dealing with the woman's frustration. I was impressed.

All in all, I'd rather do zen than have it explained.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Grace did say a lot of interesting things, though. She admited that unlike all her teachers and most of the zen priests she knew, that she believed in reincarnation: "I'm more Tibetan that way."

She talked a lot about identity and identities. With her dharma transmission robe and her status at her zendo she had the zen master identity, as a therapist, another and, when she was spending time (as she had recently) with her son and daughter-in-law and grand child, to her daughter-in-law she had more of an "ogre" identity because she could tell how young wives/mothers often view their mothers-in-law -- "I found it best to kind of lay low in that role and not act like I was the know it all zen priest and therapist and tried to just keep quiet." (that was my favorite moment/teaching)