Shedding The Unwanted

Ok, first off let me say if this isn't the appropriate place for this, someone feel free to move it. Also, I'm not 100% sure I'm going to have the right terminology or possibly even philosophy, but I'm open to all reasoned replies.

So let's take this from general to specific. Let's say that, while meditating you find an emotional response or behavioral tendency that you, without labeling it good or bad, wish to be free from. You see it, you’re mindful of it, aware of it, but you don’t let it freak you out or emotionally react to it. However you see that it could be a cause of issues you have in your daily life and you think you would be better off without it. Is simply being aware of it enough to be rid of it, or should you follow it deeper to see if there is a root cause or it? Or does doing this just reinforce it?
To be specific, I’ve found at times I crave attention, acceptance, approval and sometimes even superiority over others. I want to be popular, or liked, or better looking that this guy, or have bigger muscles/be able to bench press more than that guy. This desire is barely on the threshold of conscious, meaning I don’t really realize it is there, but it births thoughts and actions that do bubble up into consciousness and sometimes make me do unzenny things. I realize this is by no means uncommon, but it’s kind of a big deal for me. I’ve always, since early elementary school, been sort of a honey-badger type. I just didn’t care what others thought. So to discover this about myself is a bit of a relevation, and I really think this has been having an effect on several aspects of my life for a long while now. So again, without calling it good or bad but just simply saying this is something I would like to delete from my experience, what’s the best way to go about it?

You know, it's kinda hard to answer these kinds of questions in the abstract... but I do want to say two general things: 1) having a daily sitting practice will take you where you need to go in many many ways. It will also seem to "fix" problems without even conscious efforts. It will also bring up the material you need to see and help you see it a lot of times until it finally sinks in. In this way, practice does take care of a lot of it all by itself. 2) Be patient because a lot of times a "problem" is actually a solution to another problem, so many things are going to be confusing and sticky, but that's just the way things are. Things take time to unknot themselves, but that's because it is working in so many directions and on so many different connections at the same time.

So mostly, just sit and do the practice, because one of the sneaky way our mind distracts us is by making small problems into big deals. But sometimes, when a pattern really keeps repeating, look deeper and ask lots of good questions.

Kinda lame advice, but I hope it helps.

Hi Brian - I think it's generally more beneficial to simply be aware of these sorts of inner experiences (thoughts, feelings etc.), particularly aware in a present, open, attentive way, and allow the habit to untangle itself and release itself. That is distinct from managing our *actions*. It is often beneficial to try to intercept the external reaction caused by the arising of an internal habit (such as lashing out at someone and insulting them in response to feeling ashamed, etc.), just because such actions are very hurtful to others. But in regards to meditation practice, when dealing with the internal cravings, thoughts, movements of mind, etc, the more passive approach of just being honestly with them, allowing them to arise and pass, feeling them in the body, etc is more beneficial than trying to track them down and eradicate them. The latter tends to just entangle the habits in even more ego-stuff and make them stickier, leading to masochistic or self-loathing tendencies, anxiety over the inability to get rid of them fast enough, despair, anger, and so forth - in other words, makes it worse.

People often notice that the deeper their practice goes, the more of these habits they see, or the more clearly they see how they work - that clarity develops by itself. That is, at first we start to see the habit/reaciton arise, then we start to see the precursor feelings/reactions, then the deeper triggers or wounds, etc. We really get to know ourselves. But these things reveal themselves as we simply sit quietly and give the process space to unfold. As ones practice develops the tendency to care more about others grows (even if it was not very present to begin with), as do qualities like forgiveness. Many of these habits are part of self-defense mechanisms, and soften and open up as we grow in wisdom. That process can be cooperated with by doing compassionate practices, such as praying for the wellbeing and spiritual awakening of people who annoy you, community service work, general daily acts of kindness for others, and similar.

Obviously, as I mentioned above, if particular flavors of reactivity are causing life problems (tantrums, self-destructive behaviors, family conflict, etc.) then it can be a useful support to learn ways to manage the behaviors (with a therapist, perhaps), in conjunction with continuing the less-interventionist meditation process of gentle observation.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. That was sort of the way my experiences had led me to lean, but it's nice to hear it from folks with more experience than I have. I've seen it happen with other things, and it's amazing the difference that just being aware of something without stressing over it can make.

Brian wrote: Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. That was sort of the way my experiences had led me to lean, but it's nice to hear it from folks with more experience than I have. I've seen it happen with other things, and it's amazing the difference that just being aware of something without stressing over it can make.

Yeah, the stressing can also trigger a lot more of what you're stressing about. We really don't have any control over what comes up in our experience. Fighting against it is counterproductive.

For a different angle on this and for a look at how deep some of this can run, check out this review of the book "Meet Your Happy Chemicals."

When "clarity" amounts to immediately seeing "a bad habit" for exactly what it is: a knee-jerk response that is futile, painful, and leads only to more pain and futility-- it's amazing how quickly it loses momentum and extinguishes itself. "Hmm-- hitting my headache with a hammer hurt last time; but why not give it another go?" isn't a course that appeals for long.

Bam, cross posted!

You guys are awesome!

@ Andy

I think "control" is a very strong word, and tends to lead to "power trippy" thoughts when used in this context, but I do feel we have a great deal of influence over our experience. (I won't get into the difference right now because that's worthy of a whole thread of its own.) I agree totally though that fighting against anything you don't want or like tends to just lead to more of it.