Liam's Practice Journal

Hi all, some of you may know me from DhO. After various practice threads here and on DhO that were rather analytical, it seems like the best thing to do is to keep a phenomenological journal with a bit of reflection here on KFD.

Beginning in the Thai Forest Tradition, I've been practicing for three years. I've practiced fast noting pretty exclusively for about a year and a half on the cushion and try to note/pay attention as much as possible off it, which given good practices moves me up to Equanimity. I seem to have paddled in the shallows of jhana too.

I've just finished a three week retreat in which I began to more directly note resistance to the process doing itself ('craving', 'clinging', 'aversion', 'avoiding', 'frustration', 'grasping') which is one of the main things that derails practice. There were also two intriguing mind moments in which there was no discernable experiencer.

Back at the ranch I'm trying to keep some attention on the breath at all times as a minimum, and note where appropriate, as well as do multiple long sits daily. Resolutions seem to help with this, as otherwise I find myself rapid-fire noting for a short time and then space out into default mode until I recall I should be practicing!

I welcome comments and I hope the thread will be of some use to other people too.

This morning's sit, 90 minutes:
Attempted to follow the breath at the abdomen as closely as possible to establish concentration ('rising, falling, touching...'). Mind chatter prevailed, especially in the 'touching' section between breaths, which I found myself noting. Often I would skip straight to noting rather than try to remain so one-pointed, but I stuck with the programme. Eventually this became annoying and I began noting for short periods before spacing out, noting 'wandering' and 'frustration' when I did so. I think I need to increase my concentration, anapanasati may help.

Off the cushion:
Even when following the breath, the mind keeps habitually noticing, as if doing choiceless awareness practice. It's trying to notice everything in the sensorium even if I'm trying to keep to a single task. I can't keep up with the sensations by noting, but I don't fully trust myself not to go back to default attentional mode if I drop the noting entirely, despite the fact that the noticing feels accurate and specific. Thoughts: try and direct this noticing to the task at hand and note only to gently push the attention back.

Off the cushion since last post:
Familiar sense of resistance, attempting to take control of the process, which results in anticipatory false noting. Inclined the mind towards observing, allowing only notes of the actual sensations. Immediate strong sense of how the mind creates the illusion of continuity, as the attention jumped to various auditory and visual sensations in between the proprioceptive sensations involved in lifting an arm. Relaxed into this further, positive feedback loop- less time spent on automatic pilot as a result and less frustration on noticing lapses. 'Accepted' the noticing and found that less noting to direct the noticing was necessary. Much noting of unwholesome intentions, watching them and the associated sulky craving/aversion pass away into relief. Resistance, not concentration, seems the problem.

30 min morning samatha sit:
Haven't done samatha for ages. Sense of breath as a loop, then see-sawing, then moving in and out perpendicular to the body. Finally settled on a spot in the abdomen, trying to solidify the breath as 'passing in and out' of that spot. Pleasant bodily sensations arising, shifted attention to them briefly but decided to continue rather than try to cultivate jhana. Other stimuli such as sense of the body not distracting, but meditation object kept pulsing, squirming etc. Found myself bearing down on it. Sense of well-being afterwards.

60 min evening noting:
Counted breaths until followed 100 in a row pretty continuously, then began noting around 3 per second. Sensations had a crisp, smooth, flowing sense to them. Very pleasant and began lapsing into dull states. Little frustration, only a sense that I needed to up my investigation to stay with it. Eventually awareness continued from within the dull states as the various dreamlike associations continued being noted, or so it seemed.

Hooray! Liam is here

Sounds like you're really motoring at the moment. Looking forward to seeing what develops.

Hi Andy

Thanks for the words of encouragement, have been trying to turn frustration about lack of consistency and misdirected effort into patient constancy. Seems like bean by bean, the sack is filling at the moment...

For me, Path Moments only happened when I chilled out - almost to the point of not caring. The dreamlike states - since they reveal that thoughts are not under your control and not you - are gold.

That's not to say the effort isn't useful, but building in plenty of slack into your practice is good. Extra sits - when the pressure is totally off - can sometimes where the magic happens.

Also, something I have tried and failed to do is to see where I am noting in such a way that reinforces rather than deconstructs the difficult parts of my experience. Watch out if you are noting something negative - aversion, irritation, frustration and so on - in such a way as to effectively disown it or distance yourself from it. Observing your mental "tone of voice" in the note can help here. So much can get hidden in those lumps and sticky bits, which we might think we're noting, but aren't.

Do you ever do out-loud noting? We could do some ping-pong soon!

Thanks for the advice Andy, it's all good reinforcement.

"when I chilled out..."
Stian [from DhO] and I have been talking a lot about this 'I wasn't really trying/was taking a rest/was just idly noting... and then Path happened' effect that so many people report. It's worth doing a large scale enquiry about I think. I definitely agree that 'informally formal' sits such as a lunchtime ten minutes or when lying in bed seem to have lots of spaciousness and surrender that is conducive to getting into the groove. I have to consciously incline towards this as I tend to bear down a lot.

"noting in such a way that reinforces rather than deconstructs"
I call this noting that gets folded into the selfing process - when you try to disassociate from the unwanted as quickly as possible (without feeling it in the body especially). The 'tone of noting' thing is very true (especially for out loud noting when I get very sarcastic or sulky) though this is hard for me to do when doing monosyllabic noting, as the mind tends to leap away to the next object. I suppose that's another reason to be flexible and try different noting strategies for different situations/ñanas.

"out-loud noting"
I've done a little, am starting to do it if I find myself zoning out on the cushion. I'd enjoy doing some ping-pong with you, especially to see the differences in how we note. I'm going to suggest it as a group exercise at the Berlin meet on Tuesday.

Off the cushion:
Seemed to have a lot of success with mindfulness of body today, so spent a lot of time feeling the legs moving as I walked, and a lot following the breath. Very calming and pleasant. 'Aaargh I've lost it again' has given way to 'ah, better get back on it' and I'm starting to get to the point where large portions of my day are in this mindful mode. As a quick digression into analysis, I think it's Reobservation to Equanimity, and if so I'm damned if I'll let myself slip back so I've got a lot of motivation.

30 mins mindful yoga, morning:
Few intrusive thoughts. A bit like intentional body scanning as I flashed between each part of the body, ensuring good stretching. Mind kept trying to follow the breath exclusively.

60 mins noting, evening:
100 breaths easily followed with strong continuity, due to off cushion mindfulness of breathing I assume. Decided to have trusting/carefree/surrendered approach to noting, rattling them off without trying to be too precise. Monosyllabic noting (just a "d' " sound in the mind, hardly even a syllable) around 2-7 per second, as various vibrations in the body and repetitive sounds were noted. Delight arose as things like analysis and expectation were 'caught', and was immediately noted, which only made me more delighted. Started to space out about 45 mins in, remembered Andy's advice, switched to verbal noting. About once or twice per second, dry mouth causing notes of 'irritation' and then 'amusement' as I heard my sulky tone of voice. Went back to fast noting until end of sit. No pain, little aversion.

Off the cushion:
Read Kenneth's 'First Gear' instruction pages here, particularly noting his emphasis on concentration for post 4th-ñana yogis, so effort to remain on the breath irregardless of the 'spot'.

90 mins noting morning:
Reached 100 breaths within ten mins, a lot of bodily/vibrational noting. Thoughts seem to float on top very easily when noting above 5/sec. Not exactly boring, but not 'eventful' either - no grossly pleasant/unpleasant feeling-tone. Ache in shoulders just an ache, little related aversion. Very much a case of 'sit even if it doesn't seem to be doing anything'.

40 mins samatha evening:
Lots of worries r.e. 'am I just doing vipassana here?' as the mind watches all the little crenellations in the larger wave of the breath. Tried keeping attention on a particular spot on the abdomen, recalling previous successes. A lot of spacing out, head nodding. Sounds of television through the wall woke me up but very disruptive, excuse to end sit. Naughty.

Are you still thinking you're pre-Path, Liam? Because if so, you're definitely overdue a pop.

I have two sets of thoughts on this:

1) It's been suggested that I've already 'popped' before, and given one or two tenuous candidates for this including a seeming discontinuity of experience I had a year ago with my eyes open on retreat (minus any other criteria for it being stream entry) plus the fact that I seem to bounce around the ñanas in a way that suggests cycling, plus the fact various stressful tendencies that seem to have dropped away, might be evidence for this.

2) I have not practiced on the cushion daily in the time I have been journalling my practice on DhO, despite describing encouraging developments in a way that could be misconstrued as a more engaged practice; the 'cycling' seems more likely swings between A&P and Reobservation without an ability to stabilise my 'centre of gravity' in Equanimity; and I have not had any clear candidates for fruition.

In either case the cure for this is moar practice!!!111 so it's a non-issue in a way, but it's worth saying as my objectives for this thread are to 1) encourage me to sit daily and 2) describe my experience phenomenologically rather than try to think my way to enlightenment.

Either way I appreciate the encouragement and will keep on trucking. You might want to say why you think I'm 'overdue' as this might be useful to other practitioners and myself, given your 2nd pathery?

Monday: no sits. Some metta and resolutions.

Tuesday: First meeting of Berlin meditation group, encouraged me to do a more bodily-centred practice to supplement the noting and possible reduce dukkha nana fallout, as has been suggested to me by multiple sources. Whenever I wandered off into reverie, I noticed a thread of attention sitting on the breath - it's becoming habitual. Ergo mindfulness 'fading in and out' rather than conking out and being re-established.

Weds: Squeezed in various 15-20 minute sits while on longer train journeys, sitting waiting for other half to appear etc. Fast noting of a single, fast repeating, bodily-felt vibe, then the other sense doors started to weave themselves in, until noting very fast indeed.

Thurs: Ten hours of travel by plane, train and bus. Kept surprisingly (encouragingly!) good continuity of mindfulness of breath throughout. Watched the changes in associated phenomena from choppy and effortful, to blissful and effortless, to unpleasant and averse, to calm and open. Still a lot of uncertainty whether to give up on noting and just sit there trying to take in as much as possible, or keep to the programme, at this point.

Friday (today): Emotive circumstances so deliberately watching their arising and passing away, helped in making a reasonable resolution. Deliberately sat afterwards and just watched the remaining frustration in the solar plexus, not trying to 'solve' it. Gradually faded into dull states, noting continuing throughout most of them.

Off cushion: hard to stay on the breath. Some momentum lost. Noting seems easier today.

90 mins noting: Followed the breath with great continuity to start, with a loose, almost careless amount of effort. Started to get dozy and began noting. Only got dozier, full of Christmas food, but this didn't seem to be a problem, as the monosyllabic noting was almost effortless. It didn't even feel like a case of inclining the mind - almost a case of not doing anything at all and just being a witness to all of these sensations. Sensations that pointed to a self, for example thoughts about noting or pleasure about how well the practice was going, were noted, until finally I gave up any discernable semblance of trying to control the process and rapid noticing took hold. My position on some pillows was unusual and awkward, and I haven't sat for 90 minutes for some days- combined with the constant nodding this would usually be frustrating, but there was a very neutral vedena and only a little aversion.
There was a distinct sense of watching the lapses as existent sensations themselves as simply changes in awareness during a dull, 'headnodding' period that could only have lasted a second or two, but seemed dilated by the number of sensations that were noticed, rather than being experienced as a lack of experience. It was hardly my most powerful noting due to this erratic level of awareness, but very lacking in resistance and very inclusive. The sensations that I was noticing became very subtle, like small changes in the light passing through my eyelids or small changes in wakefulness.

(continued)

Towards the end I deliberately began focusing in on small physical areas of my body to see whether this could be targeted, such as tiny prickles on the end of my nose. Very encouraging as I think there's a certain threshold at which I find it difficult to let go and surrender to a deepening of the noting, and there are things I've read that suggest this is what is keeping me in Low Equanimity as the cutting edge of my practice.

An EastEnders-style festive season back in my country of birth, full of emergencies and various pants dramas. I made daily attempts to sit and constant attempts to re-establish strong mindfulness of body in between these, never making it beyond half an hour due to interruptions or simply falling asleep and abandoning the sit.

Upon leaving to start my journey back home, I was quietly frustrated by my willingness to let these events disrupt what I would prefer to be a 'hair on fire' 24/7 practice. However, I was also experiencing the craving and aversion linked to the inevitably dissatisfactory resolutions, and the equally dissatisfactory attempts to balance them out with festive good cheer, very clearly at the sensate level.

I reflected on AndyW45's advice here and on Skype, that a 'f*ck it' attitude to practice was a good way into surrendering to it. It occurred to me that despite knowing better I was still, in a conventionally perfectionist and piecemeal way, trying to use both problem-solving and my practice as methods to quash suffering as it came up and then resting on my laurels, despite knowing that dukkha can only be uprooted by means of completing cycles of insight. For some reason I was still unwilling to apply myself to the practice 24/7 as my top priority. Being so disenchanted with the results of this approach, the requisite willingness arose (thank gawd) and I resolved to practice as consistently and precisely as I could indefinitely. I also noted that this resolution came up more as quiet determination than as desperation, as the disenchantment had knocked out any anticipation of result too.

As such, for the ten hours that I was travelling I noted without any attempt to gain access concentration first. This was easier than it sounds as most of this time was spent sitting on trains or the plane, keeping an erect posture to ward off dull states.

(cont.)

At first I deliberately noted bodily sensations, then as I became more concentrated I allowed the notes to 'come' to me faster and allowed the field of awareness to widen, deliberately not straining to achieve greater speed, and the notes became monosyllabic and then finally just mental 'taps'. There were surprisingly few interruptions to my mindfulness, due to this very single-minded intention to practice, I think. Any time that I did become distracted, dull or had to transition to a different activity such as walking or eating, I simply allowed the noting to slow and kept continuity. I did not attempt to reach for 'subtler' sensations but instead tried to be a pure observer.

I began the 'sit' and very quickly the body felt very asymmetrical and awkward in the chair, which I labelled as the third ñana. This progressed through pleasant, smooth, fast noting and then into a sudden complex of fearful, 'fight or flight' sensations based around the solar plexus, which the mind then rationalised after the fact with various reasons to be worried - very cognitively dissonant. I then progressed through various upset/miserable sets of thoughts and feelings, finding I was suddenly very averse to the situation I was in. This gradually grew into feelings of disgust, various sounds, physical feelings and so on putting me on edge and creating a feeling of 'dirtiness' on the body, being very aware of ill people coughing around me and so on.

This became unpleasant enough that I found myself having defeated, despairing thoughts that no situation would be tolerable and longing for enlightenment to 'solve' this. I labelled this as Desire for Deliverance which I have rarely been able to pick out specifically, and so despite this deep feeling that any action would be useless, I was able to continue to objectively note.

(cont.)

This progressed in what seemed a very natural escalation into a set of neurotic associations with less physical content, which I paradoxically found myself both believing and objectively noting. I knew this was Re-Observation and almost laughingly relaxed into the unpleasantness, even saying 'hello' to it in a welcoming way in my mind. This lasted only a few minutes and there was a very clear shift into an accepting frame of mind whilst the neurotic associations remained, until eventually I realised they'd faded and the notes were almost purely about the factual here-and-now. By this point I was a touch tired but continued to keep it up without straining, as the notes continued to blur along.

This sit seems to have knocked out any remaining unconscious reticence I have to practicing 24/7- any thoughts that the problem of dukkha can be solved any other way are kaput. It also seems frankly easier to just note fast than to stay on the breathing, which I find so calming that the mind loses its sharpness. As such I have continued to note as much as possible since then and am going to keep doing so, shifting up and down in terms of speed and appropriate object, until something shifts! The only danger is that this Equanimity is so pleasant that the old complacency will set in, with the lack of gross unpleasantness letting me slip back as has happened so many times (and that I have documented so many times on DhO!)

Continuing to attempt to note 24/7, and am becoming successful at keeping this up for longer chunks of time. This became extremely easy and blissful even as I performed relatively complicated tasks, until earlier today this became difficult and unpleasant again, much to my disappointment - clearly the ñanas rather than some shift into permanently beefed-up mindfulness. Amazing how easy it is to believe the content of the moment. Still managing to put off formal sits very easily with suddenly important tasks!

Did 40 mins of ping-pong noting with Andy earlier, which is fascinating, really highlighting what is going on phenomenologically and creating a lot of empathy and metta for the other person. Notes went from mainly physical 'irritation', to bodily 'relaxation' and 'bliss', to 'confusion', 'worry' and a lot of facial 'twitching' which hasn't occurred for a while, to a lot of 'reflection' and 'anticipation' and 'judging'. Interesting to see another meditator reporting the quick shifts from pleasant to unpleasant and back again that show how extremely impermanent experience is.

Have spent the last few days attempting to note 24/7 with varying degrees of success. I've sat every day for various lengths of time. I've been pleasantly surprised at times by my ability to play with various kinds of noting that are appropriate to different situations, from very wide focused, choiceless rapid noting when not much brain power is required, to much narrower, directed techniques with the breath as an anchor, which I am employing as I write this. As time went on, I found myself more and more caught up in thoughts about achievement, progress and mapping, with related frustration and bodily tension, and more notes of 'hunting for notes'. I'll try to post daily to be more phenomenological about this. I've made an effort to note mind-states after doing some more ping-pong noting, which I think is what is subtly missing from the noting I do.

Some calm and blissful metta practice and a discussion with a friend who is a kundalini yoga teacher seems to have loosened things up a little, and made the noting more spacious and accepting of these unpleasant sensations. I'll be attending her class on Friday which I think will be helpful in terms of getting me out of my head and into the bare awareness of bodily sensations a little more.

Today there was an awareness of various 'archetypes' that crop up, various patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour that are almost like sub-personalities when there's the desire to be a consistent and permanent self, and intellectually this helped me to disembed that little bit more and incline towards surrender to the sensations. The temptation to diagnose these experiences in terms of ñanas is pervasive, and also to write this off as 'bad practice', but I'm happy enough to have continued to work at it.

Seems to be all about finding ways to surrender, really. Noting too fast to be averse, dedicating practice to the benefit of others, genuinely not expecting much from a sit, sitting when too tired to resist, sitting when too sulky to care, practicing whilst doing some heavy physical work... last night it was more a case of accepting that I honestly thought/felt crap, and that I was very averse to this. Immediately 'I' was the thing watching those sensations.

This morning: 30 mins of yoga, watching the body, catching the aversion and craving around the practice. Then 50 minutes of noting, very much Ken style, around 2-3 sensations per second, being as choiceless as possible and covering all four foundations. I've stopped trying to 'get concentrated' first as the concentration forms around the rapid, precise investigatory mode quickly enough. A lot of noting of chains of sensations and mind-states that would usually get passed over in the scramble to note everything possible, such as sadness and associated compassion resulting from thoughts and images; unpleasantness, aversion, acceptance and bodily relief; bliss, pleasantness and wholeness; amusement, cynicism and ironic self-regard; mapping, planning and recall; sudden self-consciousness and flow.

Edit: Also, a lot of awareness of how I tend to note the thoughts around other sensations, rather than the actual sensation. I'm trying to catch the 'double-tap' as the narrative kicks in. I'm also going to do some daily meditation around the illimitables, I'm obviously far too hard on myself and others from the thoughts that were coming up.

(cont from morning post)
(part of my resolution to write quick dirty phenomenological daily posts)

60 mins four foundations ping-pong noting. The surrender aspect came when the resolution arose not to self-censor for whatever reason, about 20 mins in. A lot of amusement, acceptance, almost giddy release despite many superficially unpleasant or boringly neutral sensations. Much metta and mudita.

I use a lot of the same notes for various sensations, so will work on expanding from skeletal noting to be flexible. I noted a lot of thoughts but less mind-states. Rather psychologically telling. Noting 'paranoia' was an amusing exercise in acceptance

Noting becoming automatic, but not false, at times. At points yesterday, let go of it entirely and just watched sensations arising and passing away one after the other, mainly thoughts and bodily sensations, with some sense of it somehow occurring against a backdrop - the backdrop that became conspicuous by its absence during the Bahiya sutta-type 'experience' on retreat. A lot of more pleasant sensations being noted now.

Went to a kundalini yoga session last night ran by one of my meditation group members, out of the desire to supplement my practice with something body- and heart-centred. A lot of the movements seemed intuitive, or simply made sense in terms of previous practice and knowledge of self-care. A lot of very vibratory... sensations (poor euphemism for 'energy') arose to begin with that reminded me of the ecstatic edge to the 4th ñana. I felt like jumping up and doing some Sufi whirling wouldn't have been out of place.

A little fastidiousness/worry about 'getting it right' turned up, but these thoughts were accepted and the attention dived right back into the body. It's clear how doing vipassana and yoga have caused this, as it was rather automatic. The noting mind wasn't easily turned off and I had to deliberately stop at points. I found it rather difficult to focus on the 'third-eye' point in a similar fashion to the 'shifting' that occurs when I've done samatha recently. Finally the sensations became very pleasantly calm and there was no aversion to the physical strain of the postures.

Sounds like a familiar pattern, eh? I'll leave the analysis at that! This morning the attention is sitting on the breath and the body very readily, so I'm letting it do whatever it wants as long as I remain mindful. I'm quietly determined not to fall into the traps of laziness or striving that I think bugger my practice at this point every time.

Have been training myself to note the visual field, which I've had trouble with before. I treat it as if it is made up of frames of a film, or a set of photographs: whenever the attention fixes on a particular object or switches from one of the other sense doors, a thought can arise pointing out the possibility of taking a mental snap.

Along those lines, I've been trying to catch the actual sensations that lie behind and are obscured by a lot of narrativising thoughts/descriptions/judgements following quickly afterwards, though I've noticed sometimes these are actually being noted despite my labelling them 'thinking' when noting becomes rapid.

Some more kundalini yoga meditations, including one that was basically a more elaborate form of metta meditation including a mantra and mudras. It's difficult to become one-pointed when trying to maintain multiple elements. Either it's a way of really occupying the thinking mind and becoming body-centred, or it's just metta on a higher difficulty.

Couldn't sleep last night so ended up noting for several hours reclined in bed. I've been gently inclining the mind towards the brahma viharas as much as it occurs to in every day life- not a huge amount yet, but it prevents any spiralling towards their far enemies. And so, an equanimous attitude arose easily, encouraging an active posture of surrender. I began noting the sense of the body between heartbeats until it felt like there was no discernable space between notes and to try to estimate would have been to disengage this mode. Thoughts started to interweave. All very stroboscopic.

(cont. below)

This resulted in faster and faster noting of tiny bodily sensations and little mental movements. I noted the doubt that these were 'true' sensations, as it occurred to me the other day that if there is something being observed, even just little slivers of thought that didn't hold much meaning. Surrendering so actively to this brought on little clusters of extremely rapidly (and almost automatically) noticed energetic sensations. Soon enough I found that I'd been noting quietly and merrily and things like itches and unease had turned up. I tried to watch the very clearly associated aversion very closely. After a while all this settled down and it got boring, frankly!

At one point I recall thinking that it was like the mind was slightly out of kilter with reality and something was trying to sync up as it were, but I'm holding off on what that was... A long sit is in order for today I think.

Last night: 110 mins dry noting. I've stopped attempting to become concentrated by counting breaths before switching to vipassana; I prefer to hit the ground running with the noting these days and allow the concentration to gather as a response to the focused investigation. (I will be doing bowl kasina samatha from today to balance this out. I'm convinced that surrender, concentration and constancy are the only things I should be concerning myself with at the moment.)

Anyways, it was very routine, just patiently grinding along, putting the hours in. A lot of dozing mid-way and so I began noting out loud at points, which seems to result in a lot more noting of mind states and emotions than subvocal noting. I recall trying to map whether I was moving up and down the ñanas at one point, but it wasn't blindingly clear or deemed important. No fireworks, just relatively good practice, speeding up and slowing down as required.

Off the cushion: Noting 24/7 continues to become more automatic, but sloppy - I feel like 'I've done my stuff for today' if I've done a long sit, and need to keep motivating myself, especially since it has such wholesome and pleasant results: greater dis-embeddedness and generally more positive mental states.