Iftah's Practice Log

Hello guys!
ive been wondering around here a lot the past 8 months or so. just had a skype session with kenneth, and he warmly recommended me to start a log. so thats what im doing.
hope it will be as useful as possible.
so a little background - i was introduced to this pragmatic dharma community about 8 months ago. ever since ( and maybe a little bit before even) ive been doing vipassana practice. trying my best to do at least 30 minutes a day. been to week and a half reatreat in israel ( thats where i live! ) and another weekend retreat.
currently im pre-stream. no clue as to what nana im in. lately been starting to notice my concentration during the day is better, even if just a little bit. so thats nice. thats about it for now.
see ya!

Welcome.

Sat for 45 min. at first noted a lot of stress, fear, longing, loneliness, some sounds and aversions. at the beggining i was really concentrated and i felt like the palms of my hands were really fat. it felt kinda nice. noted some pleasentness, and pleasent concentration. this feeling kept going until for about 20 mins until i felt some release and cried a little bit. noted compassion at that moment and pleasentness of the bodily sensations. after that my concentraion decreased a little bit, but i felt way better. after that i noticed some nice bodily sensations each time i gulped saliva. it went from the upper torso down to the legs. just a brief wave of nice tingling sensations. happened a number of times during this session.
thats it for now (:

"at first noted a lot of stress, fear, longing, loneliness, some sounds and aversions. at the beggining i was really concentrated and i felt like the palms of my hands were really fat. it felt kinda nice. noted some pleasentness, and pleasent concentration. this feeling kept going until for about 20 mins until i felt some release and cried a little bit. noted compassion at that moment and pleasentness of the bodily sensations. after that my concentraion decreased a little bit, but i felt way better. after that i noticed some nice bodily sensations each time i gulped saliva. it went from the upper torso down to the legs. just a brief wave of nice tingling sensations." -iftah11

Wonderful! Thanks for the report, Iftah.

Today I sat for about 45 mins.
at first noted some sadness, pain ( emotional ), and anger. some moments of tiredness and dreaminess. noted a lot of times the smell of my room. noted it as pleasant. some planing thoughts about this log, noted that. at the middle of the sit had a really short emotional excitment, and some pleasant tingling vibration through the whole body along with it.
i also noticed that lately, when off the cushion, I do noting even when im distracted and not really "doing it", as if some small part of the brain is noting and im not even fully aware of it.

Yesterday i sat with my sitting group. its not guided meditation. we are just a bunch of people who gather every sunday to sit together quietly. majority of the meditators there are mostly therava-inclined. anyway we sat for 45 mins. i noted a lot of anger, lots of frustration, lots of hate. tiredness, even dozed off for a second or two there. also noted hunger, and driveness and impatience. after the meditation is over we usually share tea and biscuits, and just sit quietly for 5 mins or so. during those five minutes i just stared at a tea cup of my friend next to me. i was really concentrated and it felt really nice. the world aroud kept going but my eyes just rested on that tea cup and there was a lot of silence within. it happens to me a lot after these group sittings.
anyway I tried to tell them about my practice and this pragmatic dharma community here, and they simply wouldn't believe that people here get stream entry and beyond. its important to say - those people are past their 40's some even their 50's and been doing practice for more than 10 years. they said they really don't think about stream entry and such. it got me really confused. it was really discouraging to here this from them. It started me asking all those fundamental questions about my practice, why am i even doing this? will this do any good? am I waisting my time? and if after so many years of practice people don't even think about stream entry, and also don't report anything else special about, then whats the point? my doubt is super high now. hope something good will come out of it.

"
anyway I tried to tell them about my practice and this pragmatic dharma community here, and they simply wouldn't believe that people here get stream entry and beyond. its important to say - those people are past their 40's some even their 50's and been doing practice for more than 10 years. they said they really don't think about stream entry and such. it got me really confused.

my doubt is super high now. hope something good will come out of it."

Doubt, one of the dreaded (and normal for most yogis) 5 hindrances. It can be quite infectious, no? When you get that first baseline, brain changing, perceptual shift via the practice which you are currently employing at the moment, doubt will take quite a hit. Some never have the drive to do what needs to be done for those brain changes to take place. You obviously do to some degree. Let it inform your efforts.

Note like your hairs on fire, experiecne the first of a number of permanent shifts for the better and there will be tangible evidence for you that this is all very possible for anyone who applies the appropriate effort, momentum and approach, and let those who are eternally conditioned to doubt, doubt. The shifts are real, and they can occur quite quickly if momentum is maintained. Within months even of beginning practice. Note the doubt; 'doubt', 'thought', 'doubt', 'doubt', 'thought', etc. etc. Let those thoughts and manner of holding experience given the mental (transient) designation 'doubt' show you their inherently ephemeral nature in and of themselves, meaning just watch them arise and pass of their own accord. Get interested in how they never stay the same experience even for a second. See how not giving them any mental status, such as a 'doubt' that hinders practice, leads to their cessation sooner.

Nick

There's a transformation that comes from doing this practice, definitely. Like Nikolai said, doubt will be a big part of your life until you get there; and if you take the doubt itself and watch it rise and fall second after second, then it's an opportunity, not a hindrance.

It's been two years since SE for me, and personally, I don't care if this is what "they" mean when they talk about "stream entry" or not- all I know is that if I could bottle it and sell it, I would make a million bucks

thank you so much Nikolai and Rob, it means a lot to me to hear these words.
just sat for 40 mins. i was noting with almost no stop for the whole 40 mins. nevertheless i didnt feel that concentrated. noted a lot of images ( I note images instead of "image thought"), a lot of aversion, some worry, some anger, i had an itch in my right arm for about 10 mins that wouldnt go away. decided not to move and scratch, btu just observe and see what happens. this produced a lot of aversion, want, and driveness. also noted uneasiness in the belly area. a lot of smells also.
smells seem to derive from me all sorts of strong emotions lately ( mostly pleasant).
thats it for now!

sat yesterday for about 30 minutes. i postponed it till midnight so I was really tired already. noted a lot of tiredness and craving. fell asleep for a few seconds a couple of times. the sleep that came afterwards was good though.

sat today fro about 45 mins.
took some minutes till my body settled. had a song running through my head almost all of the time. noted it. towards the middle of the sit i became more excited. positivly. noted some pleasant images. again I felt those pleasant wavy body sensations while gulping saliva. although this time it was milder. towards the end of the sit i became a little impatient. noted some hunger and images (food) and driveness to get up.
Lately i find that my heart beating is kind of a nuisance, just while sitting and reading a book or near the computer. guess im getting more conscious about somastacia.

had a group sitting today. we sat for 45 mins.
i felt really irritated. noted lots of anger. i could physicaly feel it.
events from the recent couple of days really affected my concentration and clarity.
it is one of those days when i feel too agitated to simply note whats happening. i mean, yeah, I keep trying doing the practice but it is much much harder and my concentration is way lower. I feel that being worried and upset can really lower my concentration power.

just had a 45 mins sit. i was really tired so it was kind of tough. i noted a lot of tiredness. dozed off a couple of times for a few seconds. tried to stay focused anyway. i had a strange suffocation feeling around the chest area during most of the sit. also some brief scray images, not something horrific,just the usual moments of fear my mind tends to create (probably just to make sure im not getting bored or anything ). whats interesting though was that I had a memory coming from really long ago. not something big, just a little drawing of a face my father used to make. I love it when I get these flashback from really long ago.
other then that, about 60 mins before the formal sitting, i was sitting at my computer and listened with attention to a herbie hancock tune. after a minute or two i just started staring at the letter O in the keyboard and really got absorbed in just staring. its not the first time its happening but it doesnt happen every day obviously. so it was really nice, strong concentration for maybe even 10 mins. curious about what future days of meditation will bring.

OK, kind of a strange one this time. I sat for about 40 mins. I was really tired and fell to seconds of dreaming a number of times. i had some scary images, and at one point a scary image occured simultaneously with a certain noise in my room. a wave of fear went through my body in that moment. i managed to take it with a smile though.
But the more interesting part for me was an experience i remebered reading in a shinzen young article.

this is the full article
www.shinzen.org/Articles/artIcky.htm

he describes the phoenomena as "an icky, sticky, creepy, crawly, jump-out-of-your-skin quality" and also "When this phenomenon arises, it seems that the last thing you would want to do is to keep still for even a moment." - this is amazing, it is exactly how felt. I just felt I had to get up to make it go away. I felt it mainly in my hands and in my throat. "jump-out-of-your-skin" is just the perfect way to describe it. I tried to stay with it as long as i could and just accept it but at some point i felt i had to get up.
feel strange now, agitated but amused in a way (:

fear, anxiety, worry, suffering, hate (lots of it), rage, pessimism,crying, aversion, unpleasantness. those ruled my meditation today. i sat for about 70 mins. at some point, for a moment there, i felt courage, that gave a nice perspective. toward the end of the sit I was pleasantly concentrated. dark night still ahead of me? oh jeez.....

Well, as far as one junior yogi speculating about the Progress of Insight, I'd say it sounds pretty damn textbook dark night to me, or more toward the end of it. At any rate, good job so far.

As far as the doubts you mentioned earlier, I still have one or two of some sort from time to time, but considerably less than before. And I kind of wonder about some of those long term practitioners, maybe some of them have paths and don't know it. Or then again they might be the "casual, daydreaming psychologizers" that I like to deride.

just sat for 30 mins. nothing special, really. noted some pleasant concentration, sounds, some forgotten memories from years ago ( always nice to have those flashes ). also some scary mental images, touching, pulsing, some panic, not too harsh though. some amusement also, in the face my attachments to my scary mental images. sometimes its as if im waiting for them to arise (I try to note alsothat, as fear or worry). tried to see if there is a certain pattern in the form of A&Pish tingly sensations followed by harsh feeling of fear and disgust, but it didnt happen. at least not significantly.

Eric - thanks so much for the encouragement. it mean a-l-o-t to me. really, i mean, no one in my circle of friends and family can ever understand what im going through or even why. so it is really good to hear a nice word from someone who knows what im talking about.

sat now for 45 mins. i started noting immediately. at first i getting all sorts of images, some memories of the day that passed, some were just imaginary pleasant ones. lots of faces of people i met topday. at some point i got into somewhat of a nice concentrated state, and i had slight feeling of sort of sinking into myself. although it was really mild. towards the end of the sit i gopt more amd mote impatient and irritated. noted anger aversion, lttile bit of fear, worry, and scene spinning thoughts. ogt up from the meditation sort of more irritated than i was when i sat down.

OK. just sat for 60 mins. I was already quite relaxed and concentrated before sitting down. I started noting and a couple of minutes in I was starting to feel this nice absorption, just a nice concentrated repose. soon after the wavy tinglings started to appear. pleasant excitation started to take place, and along came emotional arousal. Gradually it expanded more and more. At some point I just felt great passion for life. (Craving for food, sexual passion, and mental visual pleasure raced in my mind almost simultaneously). It may sound too overwhelming, but it was sheer excitement and at some point I began to cry (in retrospect it looks strange but in that moment it was just like crying from a beautiful sunset(. After the rush, I went down the sine wave. The body felt heavier, my left thigh really hurt. Lower back felt uncomfortable. I noted thoughts about arguing with people, some tiredness, and aversion. Things obviously got more "negative-patterned" but still I could feel some nice concentration quality here and there, which was felt mainly around the palms of the hands.
But I think the most important thing was that for the first time I actually noticed the physio-cognitive sine wave in real time. At least I think I did. I mean, if it wasn't A&P and then dark nightish stuff then what was it? It is still hard for me to believe that I actually made some progress in this path, I don't know...it just feels strange to think that I actually managed to work my way up through some nanas. If you'd ask me three weeks ago where do I think I am on the insight map I would tell you that I'm probably not even a second nana yogi.
Plus, I think I had a small insight into the changing and no-self character of emotions.

Good for you! I too remember feeling strange about how quickly things went, couldn't believe it could happen to me.

As for the members of your sitting group: I ran into the same thing. People establish a practice that is comfortable for them, that helps them in their lives (helps them relax, focus, deal with their issues). It's kind of a hard sell to suggest that they dismantle their sense of self. I tried talking to various people about what I was doing, but even those who are sympathetic in principle can't really make sense of it.

Thanks for the support Laurel it means alot!

just sat for 60 mins. first i was really sleepy and fell into dreams for a number of seconds here and there. I noticed it and actually the dizzy state gave way fo0r some interesting mental imagery. Also noted alot the smell of my socks (homely and reassuring). at some point I felt once again the thrill of A&P - I also noted the anticipating thoughts i had because of this ("oh here it is - A&P coming my way" sort of stuff). there was also a kind of bodily agitation present duting the A&P stage. noted as unpleasant. I had a song running in my head for most of the sit, always reeling in the background (I note it as "talk" or simply "song"). this time I didnt feel so much the dark night slump. I had some angry thoughts and story spinning thoughts, also some planning thoughts and depressing thoughts. but I couldn't feel a significant low, after the A&P stage. towards the end I felt an urge to get up. did so at the end of the 60 mins.

just sat for 45 mins.
it was pretty tough. I had a small moment of panic before the sit. I listened to a song and after it was over i suddenly felt great anxiety, I was afraid that i was hearing the song loops in my head - in a sort of schizophrenic way. of course i was not happening in reality in any way..but still, i had this great fear that this could happen to me. so I sat to meditate not long after. I noted lots of tiredness, touching, dryness in the mouth, also lots of fear, worry, planning thoughts, lonliness, carving, suffering and also something that i don't know how to describe so ill call it great distress. maybe once noted relaxation.A number of times the smell of my room was noted as pleasant.
thats it for now.

Last night I woke up from a nightmare. It was strange '“ a midget forced me to give him a drawing I had made. He said he would sell it and take the money to himself, or something like this. After that I spoke on the phone with his boss (who's supposed to be some kind of hellish demon), and he told me that things are gonna get much scarier. I think I laughed in his face in response. But actually it was frightening. So most of the day I felt pretty unhappy, anxious, and burdened with worrying thoughts. Not because of the dream, because in the morning I actually felt quite good.
In the evening I sat for meditation. It started with lots of fear, anxiety, lonliness. I also tried noting how it felt in the body. Felt unpleasantness in the chest area and unpleasant heartbeats.at some point I cried a little, but it didn't feel purificatory. I still felt awful. Maybe 20 mins in, I started to feel some nice concentration. I felt that my hands are really big and puffy. I focused on that feeling and it felt real nice. With each in breath and out breath I felt my palms sort of expanding and contracting, respectively. I noted flow (shinzen young style to note change), and pleasant touch. Also "power" ( in the sense of not feeling helpless) and calm.
At some point that went away and again I felt worry and fear more strongly. Also I felt a little bit scattered after the nice focus went away. After 45 mins I got up.

Sounds like you're deep in dark night Iftah. It's good that you're continuing to sit through it.

yes, I guess there's really nothing else to do anyway right?

I really hope it IS the dark night because I just feel terrible. Today I just felt so numb. Until noon I just felt fed up with everything. Every little thing got me upset and I was really responsive (not outwards though). In the afternoon that passed and I just felt kinda weak and deeply unenthusiastic towards anything whatsoever, but at the same time I was pretty present, during the whole say actually I felt really not scattered, not driven, just present and depressed as hell. The thought that it is probably only dark night was comforting though.

At night I sat at the computer and started feeling at some point that same concentrated absorption. I was reading some post from the Hamilton Project and slowly came this nice concentrated repose. I could really feel my mind less quiet, kinda like when you are tired and getting ready to sleep. I sat down to meditate a number of minutes after the nice feeling went away. I was tired and my noting was not as good as usual. I not noted fear, anger, touching, also some pleasant sensations of drowsiness, some worry, suffering, and lots of stiffness in the forehead. A lot of times I had planning thoughts and as I said, my noting was less consistent that usual.