Spiritual practice and daily life

One of my favorite quotes on spiritual practice is this, paraphrased from memory, from Ram Das:
"if you want to find out how awakened you really are, try spending a week with your parents/family of origin."

I'd like to offer a version of this:

"if you want to find out how awakened you really are try working 14 hour days on a huge trial away from home with over the top demanding and often demented attorneys while a huge crisis is going on at your home."

This is my life right now. It is very stressful and the stress level goes from just general sweaty nervousness/paranoia to that moment where one wants to scream and walk out in some insane display of desperation. And by sweaty, I mean, I break out in a massive sweat all day long I am so nervous and running around so much working.

Now, I am convinced that, because of my practices as well as just working on my maturity/personal growth, that I am handling this better than I could have six months ago, a year ago, two years ago, five years ago, etc. I think if I'd gone through this in my 20s I would have walked out after shouting angry things at my boss here. (I know it because I did such things back then with much less provocation but with less to lose I guess)

And, I know that I am practicing through this and that this will do me a lot of good. So, sure, it is an opportunity that way.

However, the stresses, both at work here in LA and those back home in Modesto, are both completely based upon self-centered fears and concerns. I'm not putting myself or my "self" down, these concerns are normal and understandable:

Will I get fired?
Do they think I'm incompetent?
How dare he talk to me like that, how could anyone ever talk to anyone like that?
When will I get yelled at again (at this point I know it is coming again and again so I'm in a kind of "flinch" state)
Will I be able to get through this?
Why am I so stupid that I can't seem to do anything right?
I'll be more discreet about the home thing, but, basically, something is happening where I feel used, boxed-in, powerless, helpless, and a general sense that things are unfair.

So, sure, I do think I've gotten some insight into the three characteristiics and those generally have given me some freedom much of the time and I think the potential to grow into a life of more freedom with more practice.

But here is what is on my mind now: why can't I let go more with all of this? Frankly, I am surprised to the level of shock at how much stress I'm going through. I always want to avoid projecting a picture or idea of how I "should" act or feel, but I guess that is what I'm doing.

I guess my "picture" of myself if I'm spiritual mature is that I just let go of everything every moment and have an attitude to service to others. Does that make sense? But, maybe, if that was my true state, I wouldn't even be doing this job in the first place.

Edit: I guess it is good to write things down and share them with others. Because, in the couple of minutes since I wrote this I feel like I've been able to let go of the expectations of myself (to be totally open and giving) and to realize that what I need is to work with and be intimate with just what is really happening now and not to compare myself with some fictional idea of how I should be acting). Let's see what happens. I'm so stressed and overtired it's hard to remember these things, you know?

well ... I think I'm getting a little more sense of --

the mean attorney doesn't actually mean anything personal to me (for the most part), he is just frustrated for his own often bizarre reasons that mostly have nothing to do with who I actually am or what I've actually done or not done. This is lessening the stress a little and bringing a little more freedom to the situation.

But he sure is behaving badly and he will get away with it because he is so good at this stuff and it is because of those talents that we have the client and these jobs. Is that fair? No. But it's true.

well ... I think I'm getting a little more sense of --
the mean attorney doesn't actually mean anything personal to me (for the most part), he is just frustrated for his own often bizarre reasons that mostly have nothing to do with who I actually am or what I've actually done or not done. This is lessening the stress a little and bringing a little more freedom to the situation.
But he sure is behaving badly and he will get away with it because he is so good at this stuff and it is because of those talents that we have the client and these jobs. Is that fair? No. But it's true.


-michaelmonson

I think that's a helpful insight, Mike. It doesn't feel good to have someone freaking out at or around you (I've worked for some crazy-ass bosses that barely said good morning and shouted all day and randomly changed their minds about what I should do and so on). But what you said is so very true: he is suffering some massive internal stress of his own, and it has nothing to do with you. You know how it is when a dog or cat is sick or injured or very frightened, and you try to help it and it bites you? People are like that, too, just in a more complicated way. It reminds me of how my mom used to reassure me that bullies at school were just expressing their low self-esteem. It didn't help a lot at the time, but now I see she was right. He may have all kinds of fears - from his own upbringing, how his parents taught him to behave, personal situations, life experience - that make him react by shouting and acting crazy. It doesn't make it right, but I find it helps a lot to remember that 99.99% of the time when people act angry, evil or crazy it's not so much deliberately as just at a kind of animal level. To learn to act differently would require a lot of practice... as you yourself are finding your practice is helping you gain a perspective that you didn't have before.

My ten cents, anyway.

And not to wander too far off topic, but this whole idea of "fair" pretty much rarely actually applies, doesn't it? I mean, it seems to be a heartfelt expression of how we wish things would be - a really clear system of rewards and punishments, handed out by someone or something that is completely just and fair?

Not that I think one should toss out any attempts at having a system of justice to maintain some safety and order in society, but the idea of fairness and the emotions it brings up is more than just that. On a daily basis, assuming one is not living in a war zone or other situation of actual danger, most of our obsession with fairness comes down to social relations. So and so was rude to me, insulted my friend, talked back to the boss, stole my pen, took credit for my work, stepped on my toe, cut me off in traffic, has no manners, lied to me, refuses to listen to my side of the story, etc. These kinds of things get us so riled up. If total fairness rules were applied by some magical overlord who instantly punished or rewarded for rude behavior and mistakes would that really work? If there was a magical overlord who smacked your boss every time he was rude, would he become kind and compassionate, or just more stressed and fearful? What if every time your boss did the smallest nice thing (even by accident), he got a gold star and a kiss? Would that make him start to change his ways? Maybe he would. I don't know.

Just an aside story, when I was a teen I worked in a little shop. The owner had a 5 year old son, and due to some family situation had to take in another 5 year old from a relative. The new kid was a mess. He was hostile, angry, aggressive. At her wits end, after a couple weeks, the owner told me she tried a new tactic. She told her own son that what they needed to do was hug therapy. That the new kid was very scared, and every time he was mean or upset what they should try to do was give him a big hug and tell him they loved him. Her son understood, and they did it, and it made a huge difference.

I think many adults have just as much fear and anxiety inside as children can. It's not necessarily appropriate to hug your boss, of course.

Just pondering. It's been on my mind anyway, so thanks for bringing up the subject and letting me ramble.

Thanks Ona.

I guess there might be something I could do with/for my boss that is similar to the hugging thing, but I can't think of anything yet.

At the end of a really bad night this week I followed him into his office and said "Am I doing as bad a job as I think? Becuase you seem to be always yelling at me." And he insisted that I was doing a fine job and to not worry about it and that it was the other lawyers that he was REALLY angry at. He actually smiled, I think. So, I thought I'd touched him somehow, connected to him in some way and I felt bettter.

But, the next morning he yelled just as loud and actually slammed a door in my face after giving me a bizarre lecture on how it isn't fair (!) that he has to put up with whatever it was he was mad about.

Clearly, this isn't really a famility atmosphere, where he would really want me connecting to his heart in any way. Which is one of the things my self gets so hurt about -- none of the people I'm working for (they are all attorneys and I'm a paralegal) here see me as anything other than some kind of tool to help them in their work. I doubt any of them know where I live, my maritial status, how many kids I have and their ages, what I'm interested in, where I grew up, etc. They would never ask and if I make the mistake of starting to talk about myself around them they pay no attention.

Now this is just the way it is for paralegals in large law firms and I'm okay with it for the most part -- mostly because the office is full of other paralegals and secretaries, etc. with whom I can get to know and relate to on a personal level.

But, here, now, it's just me and them and a lot of stress and yelling so it can just kind of generally hurt. I don't indulge in thinking about it much, but it's kind of part of the general feeling I'm going through here.

What is fair though is that I am getting paid a huge amount of extra money and staying in a nice hotel with free food, etc. And, that helps. And, I guess this is also a selt-centered thing, right?

Actually, I think the only thing I can do that could possibly decrease his negative behavior and create some kind of positive connection (at least at times or between rages) is to just stick it out, try not to take it personally and just keep trying really hard to get him everything he wants when he wants it with great consistency. (In this environment, that's the closest thing to a hug one can do, I think)

Not a very subtle or tricky solution, but I bet it is the correct one.

It's just stuff acting on other stuff, and a bunch of narratives being built inside a bunch of human heads. Yet that narrative is us, and them, and is really what makes us individuals to care about and nurture.

-cmarti

thanks.

The part of your post I quoted above is what is fascinating me right now, I just couldn't quite find a way to say it so precisely.

My question is -- can I let go enough to really see it that way in the middle of it all? I'm pretty sure that the only reason I can't is a fearful clinging to my own narrative stuff. I'm going to try some things out and see what happens. Strangely, at least for today, what seems to be working a little bit is to just keep on acting like the mean boss is a human that deserves to be listened to, assisted, supported, etc. with a positive, friendly attitude. More smarm I guess, but while it doesn't seem "fair" something tells me that it is the way to go.

Actually, I think the only thing I can do that could possibly decrease his negative behavior and create some kind of positive connection (at least at times or between rages) is to just stick it out, try not to take it personally and just keep trying really hard to get him everything he wants when he wants it with great consistency. (In this environment, that's the closest thing to a hug one can do, I think)
Not a very subtle or tricky solution, but I bet it is the correct one.

-michaelmonson

Mike, I think this is kinda correct. >You< won't decrease anything, but what I've noticed is angry/disturbed/wounded people really need someone with a similar anger. disturbance, or wound to resonate off of. Basically, when confronted with the realization that all their shit is really just their own shit, they tend to drop it. But if they can find ways to blame it on the world or people, then they will keep doing it. (I've had do deal with this a fair amount, we tend to get rotating bosses where I work and not many feel a loyality to staff.)

So my advice:

1. Keep yourself sane, not overlooking exercise and sleep.
2. Don't react if the drama really has nothing to do with you.
3. If they are trying to suck you into the drama, ask the really obvious and naive questions which makes them have to explain themselves.

3a. If they answer the question from a trance-like drama state, give up on them.
3b. If they answer with some sign of self awareness, acknowledge what they say and then provide some kind of off ramp that allows them to laugh off the situation --- the self awareness will register, but they won't be stuck feeling like "I'm wrong" --- which can often shove them back into the patterned behavior.

4. Marvel at it all, including your reactions.
5. Keep yourself sane

Heh, that's all from my own school of hard knocks! Don't expect anything to change, but know that anytime there is space around someone else's drama, it loses momentum.



p.s. Yes treat the boss as a human that deserves all that stuff, treat them like they are saner than they behave, just like treating a child like they are a little older than they are.

thanks shargrol

Yes, it's really counter what my first reaction may be, you know? Part of me, and what I think is actually the least mature part of me, doesn't like the idea of continuing to be nice and understanding to the person who is NOT being nice and understanding to ME. But, I think that is the only thing to do.

If creates the only real chance that things will go as well as possible under the conditions.

And, if I do what the child inside me wants to do and act all surly and reactive and negative and let my hurt feelings show -- then there is a good chance that it will get worse.

It's tough. On one hand, you can't be a chump because people only respect you when you say no every so often. On the other hand, it is a situation with a huge power imbalance which is real and has consequences... so you have to say yes a lot.

Being nice and understanding is sorta the answer... I would say more understanding and less nice, though. You don't want to >reward< bad behavior, you just have to tolerate it and not feed the beast with your own negativity.

It also helps to remind yourself why you are in the situation -- ultimately helping a worthy client, supporting your family with a paycheck, supporting yourself so you can be of positive influence in the world, taking the hit instead of others to allow them to grow/remain injury free, trying to save his soul... anything like that helps when things get tough. (Don't know what it is for you, just throwing out ideas.)

Best wishes!

And I think worth adding: that being patient, understanding etc works best if you do it for its own sake. That is, if you say "I'm going to be patient so that so and so will be nicer" then you're wanting a specific reward for it and you will just cycle back into frustration if the person doesn't respond the way you hope. It's still playing the game, just in a different way.

If you just do it like metta practice, for its own sake, it's your own practice being brought to the world, rather than an attempt to change things. Make sense? Still, very much not an easy thing to do, but certainly good for ones dharma practice and own stress levels, so worth the effort, I think.

And I think worth adding: that being patient, understanding etc works best if you do it for its own sake. That is, if you say "I'm going to be patient so that so and so will be nicer" then you're wanting a specific reward for it and you will just cycle back into frustration if the person doesn't respond the way you hope. It's still playing the game, just in a different way.
If you just do it like metta practice, for its own sake, it's your own practice being brought to the world, rather than an attempt to change things. Make sense? Still, very much not an easy thing to do, but certainly good for ones dharma practice and own stress levels, so worth the effort, I think.

-ona

Thanks. That's what I'm trying to find here. I'm just now I think getting over my great surprise that it is such a hard thing to do in this situation.

We finally got our jury on Friday so in about two hours we have opening statements and then the first witnesses. I'm at the office waiting for the boss to come storming in and I'm very nervous. Deep breaths.

It's going to change.
It's always going to be unsatisfactory in some way.
It's not you.



-cmarti

Thanks, to be blunt -- I'm good with the first two but the last one is what is messing me up. It's hard not to think about all that is at stake for ME.

It's funny isn't it? The ME you want to protect will do much better if you don't worry about what is at stake for ME.

Mike, thank you for sharing this. This is real world stuff, and so it gets right to the heart of things.

I'm glad you're noticing the types of stories your mind tosses up when your feelings are hurt. I'm starting to see basic emotional pain as not unlike basic physical pain. Being in the world, acting in relationship with others, is going to involve some emotional pain. I wouldn't expect otherwise; the same way I wouln't expect you to feel just fine with receiving small cuts to your shoulder every time you did something your boss didn't like. Regardless of how enlightened you are, it's going to hurt. Emotions are no different, in my view.

But look what happens when emotional pain arises: the stories begin. "This isn't fair! He shouldn't treat me, or anyone, this way!" It's not that these statements are wrong. They are perfectly understandable and justifiable. It's useful, however, to look into their immediate function. Chances are your mind (and all of our minds) conjures up these stories as a way to try and protect you from feeling the pain.

The only sane approach to situations like this is to recognize that a story is arising, and then to approach the pain the story is trying to avert you from. If you're willing to have the emotional pain 100%, it won't block you from being as effective as you can. Pain - whether physical or emotional - is only unworkable when we're unwilling to have it. Unfortunately for emotional pain, if you're not willing to have it, you've got it. It's a paradox.

This is all easier said than done, of course. I'm not always good at it. Relationships of all kinds are some of the trickiest areas to work with. John Welwood said something about this, but I don't remember the exact quote. It's something like, "Emotion is the blood shed by ego when the world touches us deeply" (again, not an exact quote). When this happens, we can face the feelings directly, without defense, and this will help to open us further.

I agree that any communication of your feelings to your coworkers will be most skillful when non-reactive. Your example of speaking with your boss was a good one. There's no way to force a deeper connection with your peers, but being open in this way allows them the opportunity if they want to. Of course, it might be painful when they don't reciprocate, the same way it's painful when someone steps on your toe. But that's just something that happens when we're with other people, you know? We bump into each other.

Weird thing just happened. He walked in and, without thinking about it, I did that little zen gassho (palms together like a prayer) with a slight bow toward him. Bizarre.

Maybe it's the "Stockholm syndrome"

You're funny!

On a more serious note, if you weren't doing it in a passive-agressive way, it may have been an honest expression of how you're choosing to approach this issue as it goes forward. Peacefully greeting someone who is difficult to be with is a compassionate gesture, both to your boss and to yourself.

Oh no, it wasn't passive-agressive, it was heartfelt respect and compassion. That's why it is so weird.

Pain. Yes.

I can see that, Jackson. A couple of times in the past several days the discomfort from being humiliated and yelled at and embarrassed at being wrong or seen as wrong was just unbearable.

It was emotional pain at a rare level and I think what happens is first, I kind of freeze inside, and then, I start thinking about how wrong it all is. And that second part lasts a long long time and creates more and more stories of course.

Weird thing just happened. He walked in and, without thinking about it, I did that little zen gassho (palms together like a prayer) with a slight bow toward him. Bizarre.

Maybe it's the "Stockholm syndrome"



-michaelmonson

LOVE IT!

PS- Mike, you know, that could be an interesting thing to do more often - not necessarily towards him in person, if he might find it weird, but you could do it mentally each time he comes or goes. An interesting and very profound gesture, really.

"I can see that, Jackson. A couple of times in the past several days the discomfort from being humiliated and yelled at and embarrassed at being wrong or seen as wrong was just unbearable.
It was emotional pain at a rare level and I think what happens is first, I kind of freeze inside, and then, I start thinking about how wrong it all is. And that second part lasts a long time and creates more and more stories of course."

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. "Freezing" is a good word to use. Our stories build walls around pain we're not willing to experience.

Being embarrassed is particularly difficult for me. When I move toward it, it opens up as rejection, and feelings of not being worthy of love and acceptance. It all feels very young, too; very childlike. It then becomes possible to hold this feeling differently. The story is less about right now and more a replay of something that happened before (even if the precise situation is unclear). And now it's not adult-me-now, but child-me-then. I am then more able to allow myself to process the feelings, which were previously unprocessed/undigested. It's as if by choosing to process the emotions as an adult, I am relieving the child of its burden. The inseparability of wisdom and compassion shows through, big time.

It's not necessary to reframe things in terms of seeing how old feelings are, but it can be helpful. Anything that allows us to approach feelings as opposed to avoid them is going to be in service of healing and growth. And, I don't consider this just psychology, rather than insight. It's both.

@jackson, I think this is very true. Was just talking to a colleague about similar things today, though not so much from a psychological perspective. We were musing on how things like pain, fear, anxiety and other uncomfortable experiences are really such amazing opportunities to embrace every aspect of human experience. Not that it's always appreciated! But if one can gather ones wits and courage, and fling open ones heart, what an incredible thing to deeply feel even pain, even fear. The stories are indeed like a wall. One teacher I heard speak spoke of them exactly like that - a little fortress we try to keep around our hearts, to protect ourselves. But if we have the courage, and if we practice doing so, it becomes easier and easier to let the walls come down and let everything in. And invariably it's not at all like we were imagining. Sort of like the way you might stand on the edge of a lake and imagine all the monsters and how cold it's going to be and the bugs and you might drown or who knows what. And when you plunge in it's freezing cold and scary. And then you realize you're just swimming gently in cold water. Just that. And you laugh.